Northwestern 1986
Northwestern at Princeton
September 27th, 1986
Outcome Unknown
Princeton University Band, come on down! You’re the next contestant on “YOU BET YOUR ENDOWMENT!” “Price is Right Theme” (Band runs down from stands onto field in a circle) Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to YOU BET YOUR ENDOWMENT! — the game where you get to put your name on a University building…if THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!! Competing with you, Band, for that $410 million jackpot, is Princeton alumnus Mr. Feinberg, and our returning champion, Steve Forbes. I’m your host, Bilbo Barker, and here’s the lovely Vanna Venturi.
“Stripper”
Steve Forbes, as you are the returning champion you get to spin first. As you all remember, the wheel is marked with every building on campus. OK, and the wheel stops at….(BAND SPINS)…P.I.C.! Awwww, sorry Steve, your father already bought that one. You lose. Mr. Feinberg, it’s your turn, so spin that wheel (BAND SPINS). The wheel stops at…nearly the last empty space in Wilson College! All right, what are you bids? The Band bids 68 cents. Mr. Feinberg bids three million dollars! He wins! Tell Mr. Feinberg what he wins, Johnny-O! We’ll name after you the newest eyesore on campus, all six stories of proud, tall brick, crammed into a space far too small for it! And that’s not all; you get to advance to the finals where you’ll go up against past champions Malcolm “Steve’s Dad” Forbes, and Larry “John’s son” Rockefeller, for the chance to rename Nassau “Monty” Hall!!! But don’t feel bad, Band, we’ve got some nice prizes for you backstage! Some of the band members will receive: a subscription to Architectural Digest, a job offer with Venturi, Rauch and Scott Brown; a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat, or the breath-taking Rock Magnetism Lab! Forming the Rock Magnetism Lab, the Band plays “Rock Magnetism Labster.”
“Rock Lobster” (Band forms Rock Magnetism Lab)
We’ll return to daytime Tiger TV in a moment, but now a word from our sponsor: “Onamotapoesis!” And now back to our irregularly scheduled programming. Tiger TV presents (trumpet cue) the new voyages of the Starship Nassau. Our five year mission: to boldly squander $410 million, to boldly dig where no holes have been dug before, to boldly dig new holes where old holes have already been dug and filled in, and to boldly rename anything that isn’t moving. Stardate 1986…”Scotty, to the bridge.” (Scotty) “I kinna do it, Captain, it’s closed for construction.” Next, Science Officer Spock reported a bizzarre outbreak of Tribble Jambalaya at the boldly renamed Commons Dining Complex. Engineer Scotty, the last surviving student, was rushed to Bones McCosh Infirmary. I arrived in the nick of time. (Scotty) “Captain, I Kinna hold it any longer…gasp (Band boots).” (Bones) “He’s dead Jim. I’ll give him some pseudofed.” Scotty had been our last student. We needed to beam up fresh men. I called the transporter room, but Chief Admissions Officer Archie Bunker, Romulan Officer Training Corps dropout, had changed the admissions policy. Only offspring of Nassau crew members would be taken on. It was then I realized our mission was in Jeopardy. Bunker would keep it “All In the Family.” Forming the funny thing in Uhura’s ear, the Band plays “All In the Family.”
“All in the Family Theme” (Band forms blob)
Would you like to be a bovine or just look like one? We here at the Northwestern Beauty School have sent herds of alumni out to pasture including: Hugh Heffer, Sitting Bull, Mrs. O’leary’s cow, Elsie the cow, How now Brown Cow, and the Laughing cow. So whether you’re a Jersey girl with great calves, or a moosical maid from the midwest send for our brochure. Our steering committee has revealed it will soon graze admission standards. So act soon and let us help you begin a career cuddling up with your favorite cowhand.
“I’m an Old Cowhand” (Band forms ‘MOO’) (Band scrambles into aerobics class)
Hello all you fatties up there in the stands. It’s time for you to excercise with me, Richard Simmons. Ready? OK, and remember, never stop moving. Mr. Music please. (Band begins playing bass line to “Mission Impossible”) And stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch, stretch, other side. Stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch…Wait, you up there, you’ve stopped moving. You know what that means. The University has just boldly renamed you “Eugene.” There will be a rededication ceremony on the field following the game. Now everbody, reach, reach for your checkbook. And reach, reach for your checkbook. Next give, give ’til it hurts; and give, give ’til it hurts. Wonderful, your pain, our gain. You know this will take inces off your waistline and off your wallet. Now, it’s just a jump to the left, and a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips and bring your knees in tight. Doesn’t this feel good? Oh band, I’m so disappointed in you. Only ten minutes and you’re already wipedout.
“Wipeout”
September 27th, 1986
Outcome Unknown
Princeton University Band, come on down! You’re the next contestant on “YOU BET YOUR ENDOWMENT!” “Price is Right Theme” (Band runs down from stands onto field in a circle) Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to YOU BET YOUR ENDOWMENT! — the game where you get to put your name on a University building…if THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!! Competing with you, Band, for that $410 million jackpot, is Princeton alumnus Mr. Feinberg, and our returning champion, Steve Forbes. I’m your host, Bilbo Barker, and here’s the lovely Vanna Venturi.
“Stripper”
Steve Forbes, as you are the returning champion you get to spin first. As you all remember, the wheel is marked with every building on campus. OK, and the wheel stops at….(BAND SPINS)…P.I.C.! Awwww, sorry Steve, your father already bought that one. You lose. Mr. Feinberg, it’s your turn, so spin that wheel (BAND SPINS). The wheel stops at…nearly the last empty space in Wilson College! All right, what are you bids? The Band bids 68 cents. Mr. Feinberg bids three million dollars! He wins! Tell Mr. Feinberg what he wins, Johnny-O! We’ll name after you the newest eyesore on campus, all six stories of proud, tall brick, crammed into a space far too small for it! And that’s not all; you get to advance to the finals where you’ll go up against past champions Malcolm “Steve’s Dad” Forbes, and Larry “John’s son” Rockefeller, for the chance to rename Nassau “Monty” Hall!!! But don’t feel bad, Band, we’ve got some nice prizes for you backstage! Some of the band members will receive: a subscription to Architectural Digest, a job offer with Venturi, Rauch and Scott Brown; a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat, or the breath-taking Rock Magnetism Lab! Forming the Rock Magnetism Lab, the Band plays “Rock Magnetism Labster.”
“Rock Lobster” (Band forms Rock Magnetism Lab)
We’ll return to daytime Tiger TV in a moment, but now a word from our sponsor: “Onamotapoesis!” And now back to our irregularly scheduled programming. Tiger TV presents (trumpet cue) the new voyages of the Starship Nassau. Our five year mission: to boldly squander $410 million, to boldly dig where no holes have been dug before, to boldly dig new holes where old holes have already been dug and filled in, and to boldly rename anything that isn’t moving. Stardate 1986…”Scotty, to the bridge.” (Scotty) “I kinna do it, Captain, it’s closed for construction.” Next, Science Officer Spock reported a bizzarre outbreak of Tribble Jambalaya at the boldly renamed Commons Dining Complex. Engineer Scotty, the last surviving student, was rushed to Bones McCosh Infirmary. I arrived in the nick of time. (Scotty) “Captain, I Kinna hold it any longer…gasp (Band boots).” (Bones) “He’s dead Jim. I’ll give him some pseudofed.” Scotty had been our last student. We needed to beam up fresh men. I called the transporter room, but Chief Admissions Officer Archie Bunker, Romulan Officer Training Corps dropout, had changed the admissions policy. Only offspring of Nassau crew members would be taken on. It was then I realized our mission was in Jeopardy. Bunker would keep it “All In the Family.” Forming the funny thing in Uhura’s ear, the Band plays “All In the Family.”
“All in the Family Theme” (Band forms blob)
Would you like to be a bovine or just look like one? We here at the Northwestern Beauty School have sent herds of alumni out to pasture including: Hugh Heffer, Sitting Bull, Mrs. O’leary’s cow, Elsie the cow, How now Brown Cow, and the Laughing cow. So whether you’re a Jersey girl with great calves, or a moosical maid from the midwest send for our brochure. Our steering committee has revealed it will soon graze admission standards. So act soon and let us help you begin a career cuddling up with your favorite cowhand.
“I’m an Old Cowhand” (Band forms ‘MOO’) (Band scrambles into aerobics class)
Hello all you fatties up there in the stands. It’s time for you to excercise with me, Richard Simmons. Ready? OK, and remember, never stop moving. Mr. Music please. (Band begins playing bass line to “Mission Impossible”) And stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch, stretch, other side. Stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch…Wait, you up there, you’ve stopped moving. You know what that means. The University has just boldly renamed you “Eugene.” There will be a rededication ceremony on the field following the game. Now everbody, reach, reach for your checkbook. And reach, reach for your checkbook. Next give, give ’til it hurts; and give, give ’til it hurts. Wonderful, your pain, our gain. You know this will take inces off your waistline and off your wallet. Now, it’s just a jump to the left, and a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips and bring your knees in tight. Doesn’t this feel good? Oh band, I’m so disappointed in you. Only ten minutes and you’re already wipedout.
“Wipeout”
