Penn 1989
Princeton vs. Penn
November 4th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
“The P To the Fifth Show”
Ladies and gentlemen, in today’s cutthroat, competitive world, one thing you really need to know is the alphabet.
(“The Alphabet Song”) (Band runs onto field)
A recent poll of 1,000 Penn students showed that less than 10% could locate the letter ‘P’ on the world map. In a dramatic response, Penn has created a new course, “English 101:The Alphabet.” Students must attend twenty of the twenty-six lectures, including all five vowels…and sometimes ‘Y’. To avoid the obvious confusion over letter grades, students will receive only smiley faces and gold stars until the final. At this time they will be converted either to a ‘P’ for ‘Pass’, or an ‘F’, the Penn band. Forming the grading options on the field, the Band reminds Penn that you’ll be better off if you take a ‘P’.
(Band forms an ‘F’ which becomes a ‘P’ and plays “Joshua”)
Most Penn students prefer to learn without thinking at all. For them, the Band has brought along subliminal learning tapes. Now their subconscious mind can learn the alphabet, while their conscious mind maintains its normal state of total inactivity. Here’s a sample: “Relax Band. Close your eyes and ignore any distractions, like the Penn Band. Picture A quiet beach where you won’t B disturbed. Listen to the soothing sounds of the C. As you listen, your subconscious mind will absorb knowledge of D alphabet Easily and F-fortlessly. When you awake you will feel invigorated and full of enerG; you will also feel an irrational desire to form a script ‘Pennsylvania’ on the field and play Hawaii 5-0.”
(Band forms a script ‘P’ and plays “Hawaii 5-0”)
The sleek lines of the ‘A’. The delicate curves of the ‘B’. The bold strokes of the ‘D’. These and twenty-three more hand-crafted rich Corinthian letters can be yours in the new Franklin Mint Alphabet Collection. When we receive your order, we will immediately ship your first letter, ‘Q’. It will automatically be followed by ‘U’. You will also receive a fine oak display cabinet and a free Penn diploma. The Franklin Field–er, Mint–Alphabet Collection makes a beautiful addition to any home, and will be a source of pride for generations to come. The Band now contemplates our first few letters, “Q-ie, U-ie,” and says, “We gotta go now.”
(Band forms a typewritten ‘P’ and plays “Louis, Louis”)
And now, a message from Band President Ben Berger: “A billion dollars? For me? You shouldn’t have.”
November 4th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
“The P To the Fifth Show”
Ladies and gentlemen, in today’s cutthroat, competitive world, one thing you really need to know is the alphabet.
(“The Alphabet Song”) (Band runs onto field)
A recent poll of 1,000 Penn students showed that less than 10% could locate the letter ‘P’ on the world map. In a dramatic response, Penn has created a new course, “English 101:The Alphabet.” Students must attend twenty of the twenty-six lectures, including all five vowels…and sometimes ‘Y’. To avoid the obvious confusion over letter grades, students will receive only smiley faces and gold stars until the final. At this time they will be converted either to a ‘P’ for ‘Pass’, or an ‘F’, the Penn band. Forming the grading options on the field, the Band reminds Penn that you’ll be better off if you take a ‘P’.
(Band forms an ‘F’ which becomes a ‘P’ and plays “Joshua”)
Most Penn students prefer to learn without thinking at all. For them, the Band has brought along subliminal learning tapes. Now their subconscious mind can learn the alphabet, while their conscious mind maintains its normal state of total inactivity. Here’s a sample: “Relax Band. Close your eyes and ignore any distractions, like the Penn Band. Picture A quiet beach where you won’t B disturbed. Listen to the soothing sounds of the C. As you listen, your subconscious mind will absorb knowledge of D alphabet Easily and F-fortlessly. When you awake you will feel invigorated and full of enerG; you will also feel an irrational desire to form a script ‘Pennsylvania’ on the field and play Hawaii 5-0.”
(Band forms a script ‘P’ and plays “Hawaii 5-0”)
The sleek lines of the ‘A’. The delicate curves of the ‘B’. The bold strokes of the ‘D’. These and twenty-three more hand-crafted rich Corinthian letters can be yours in the new Franklin Mint Alphabet Collection. When we receive your order, we will immediately ship your first letter, ‘Q’. It will automatically be followed by ‘U’. You will also receive a fine oak display cabinet and a free Penn diploma. The Franklin Field–er, Mint–Alphabet Collection makes a beautiful addition to any home, and will be a source of pride for generations to come. The Band now contemplates our first few letters, “Q-ie, U-ie,” and says, “We gotta go now.”
(Band forms a typewritten ‘P’ and plays “Louis, Louis”)
And now, a message from Band President Ben Berger: “A billion dollars? For me? You shouldn’t have.”