Brown 1993
Princeton vs. Brown
October 9th, 1993
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, stalking onto the field like the Menendez brothers, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Yesterday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke at Brown on the Health Care plan. For those of you who couldn’t make it, the Band presents these highlights. One exciting new feature is the Frequent Ailer Plan: earn illness points towards fabulous new diseases, plus a free syndrome after 40,000 points. Hillary also mentioned that a new Health Care card can also be used at 69,000 ATM machines worldwide, and also at Curry in a Hurry. As a cardmember, your benefits include:
“Brown Cheering Song” (Band forms small ‘b’)
And now, saluting Rhode Island’s greatest new business, the Drive-Thru Condom Store in Pawtucket, it’s the:
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)
And now, the only band that gets academic credit for this game.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an up-close and personal look at incompetence.
(Band scrambles onto the field)
Too often, we only hear about the best and brightest in the news, while the truly awful goes unrecognized. In the spirit of fairness, the Band presents this list of the world’s greatest incompetents:
a) NASA, proud parents of the Hubble Orbiting Space Doorstop and the Mars Eavesdropper
b) the master chef at the Jack In the Box food chain–remember, all employees must wash their hands after using the restrooms!
c) Dan Quayle’s parents, for not using protection
d) the valet parking attendant at the World Trade Center
e)
f) the Brown Band
Forming a terrorist target, the Band salutes the city that never sleeps…because the bombs keep on exploding!
“New York, New York” (Band forms a skyscraper that explodes)
Any discussion of incompetence wouldn’t be complete without mentioning NASA…again. The Band’s compiled this list of reasons we haven’t heard from the Mars Observer:
a) isn’t speaking to us until we apologize for all those Hubble Space Telescope jokes
b) ran off with that cute Venus probe
c) Oliver North was selling parts to the Contras
d) was never built–NASA spent the $10 billion on an awesome keg party
e) still in shock over Burt and Loni’s breakup
f) the Brown Band
But seriously folks, we all know the real reason: waxy yellow buildup. But never fear–NASA is building the Quiet Transmission Intensification Probe, or Q-Tip, shown here, actual size.
“The Sound of Silence” (Band forms a Q-Tip)
Incompetence in the space program is one thing, but incompetence back at home is even scarier. After just one visit to local hospitals, the Band came up with this list of things you don’t want to hear on the operating table:
Forming an EKG on the field, the Band hopes you never get one of these doctors under your skin.
“I’ve Got You Under My Skin” (Band forms an EKG which flatlines)
And now, the only band that gets under everyone’s skin…
October 9th, 1993
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, stalking onto the field like the Menendez brothers, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Yesterday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke at Brown on the Health Care plan. For those of you who couldn’t make it, the Band presents these highlights. One exciting new feature is the Frequent Ailer Plan: earn illness points towards fabulous new diseases, plus a free syndrome after 40,000 points. Hillary also mentioned that a new Health Care card can also be used at 69,000 ATM machines worldwide, and also at Curry in a Hurry. As a cardmember, your benefits include:
- Covered: cancer Not Covered: sagitarius
- Covered: prescription drugs Not Covered: the drugs you take
- Covered: schizophrenia Not Covered: schizophrenia
- Covered: paranoia, except for you
- Covered: black plague Not Covered:brown plague
“Brown Cheering Song” (Band forms small ‘b’)
And now, saluting Rhode Island’s greatest new business, the Drive-Thru Condom Store in Pawtucket, it’s the:
- Will that be for here or to go?
- Do you sell Happy Meals?
- Quality latex ready in about an hour,
- Will that be paper or plastic?
- Free prize in every package,
- The password is “protection,”
- Will that be self-service or full?
- Try our new Crystal Condom - tastes great, less filling!
- Would you like to wear that home?
- Single-Double Rotating P!
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)
And now, the only band that gets academic credit for this game.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes an up-close and personal look at incompetence.
(Band scrambles onto the field)
Too often, we only hear about the best and brightest in the news, while the truly awful goes unrecognized. In the spirit of fairness, the Band presents this list of the world’s greatest incompetents:
a) NASA, proud parents of the Hubble Orbiting Space Doorstop and the Mars Eavesdropper
b) the master chef at the Jack In the Box food chain–remember, all employees must wash their hands after using the restrooms!
c) Dan Quayle’s parents, for not using protection
d) the valet parking attendant at the World Trade Center
e)
f) the Brown Band
Forming a terrorist target, the Band salutes the city that never sleeps…because the bombs keep on exploding!
“New York, New York” (Band forms a skyscraper that explodes)
Any discussion of incompetence wouldn’t be complete without mentioning NASA…again. The Band’s compiled this list of reasons we haven’t heard from the Mars Observer:
a) isn’t speaking to us until we apologize for all those Hubble Space Telescope jokes
b) ran off with that cute Venus probe
c) Oliver North was selling parts to the Contras
d) was never built–NASA spent the $10 billion on an awesome keg party
e) still in shock over Burt and Loni’s breakup
f) the Brown Band
But seriously folks, we all know the real reason: waxy yellow buildup. But never fear–NASA is building the Quiet Transmission Intensification Probe, or Q-Tip, shown here, actual size.
“The Sound of Silence” (Band forms a Q-Tip)
Incompetence in the space program is one thing, but incompetence back at home is even scarier. After just one visit to local hospitals, the Band came up with this list of things you don’t want to hear on the operating table:
- I’m Dr. Kevorkian, and I’ll be your anesthesiologist today
- Appendectomy? I thought you said “vasectomy”!
- The reverend is waiting by the door
- Nobody move–I just lost my contact
- Hey, catch!
- scalpel…sponge…clamp…arc welder
- Was this a man or a woman when it came in?
- Bzzzzt! Hey, why didn’t your nose light up?
- I got my degree from Brown; why do you ask?
Forming an EKG on the field, the Band hopes you never get one of these doctors under your skin.
“I’ve Got You Under My Skin” (Band forms an EKG which flatlines)
And now, the only band that gets under everyone’s skin…
