Brown 2004
Brown at Princeton
October 16th, 2004
Princeton wins 24-10
Pregame
And God said… let there be the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
As you know, Princeton placed #1 in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Brown, meanwhile, ended up way the hell down near the bottom, right between Mercer County Community College and the New York City School of Massage. But experts agree that Princeton isn’t just better than Brown in academics, but in every conceivable way. For example:
Forming a little ‘b’ for ‘Bottom of the List’, the Princeton Band says, “Hey Brown, try again next year.”
(Band forms little ‘b’ and plays “Brown Cheering Song”)
And after that little ‘b’ comes the… C for Chlamydia D for Dandruff E for Elephantitis F… the Brown Band G for Gingivitis H for Halitosis I for Influenza J for Jaundice K for Kleinfelter’s L for Lockjaw M for Mumps N for Nymphomania O for Obesity and the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
“The Star-Spangled Banner”
Halftime
And now for the real reason you came to this game… the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Heeeeey, kids! Guess how the Registrar is screwing us over today? First it was SCORE. Then it was grade deflation. What is it this year? That’s right, it’s the Quintile Rankings! Now you can finally know the bleak truth about your academic standing. Are you really as smart as your mom says you are? Are you a mediocre student who needs to violate the Honor Code more often? Or should you just give up and transfer to Brown? By the way, for the Brown fans in the audience who can’t count up to 5, here’s a translation of quintiles into the Brown grading system:
With the new competitive spirit at Princeton, it’s a real academic jungle, and we in the Band are proud to be in the undergrowth. Forming the quintile where we all find ourselves, the Band says, “Welcome to the Jungle.”
(Band forms the number ‘5’ and plays “Welcome to the Jungle”)
Speaking of academic failures, take Brown University. (“Please! No, really!”) The other day we were beating up Brown’s valedictorian, and on his mutilated body we found some rolling papers, a “Vote Nader” pin, and a copy of his academic transcript. Here’s what it said. Freshman Year:
Telling the Brown students to go home because your classes just don’t matter, the Band says, “School’s Out.”
(Band forms single, single, stationary letter ‘P’ and plays “School’s Out”)
This halftime show was brought to you by the number 5 and the letter P.
October 16th, 2004
Princeton wins 24-10
Pregame
And God said… let there be the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
As you know, Princeton placed #1 in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Brown, meanwhile, ended up way the hell down near the bottom, right between Mercer County Community College and the New York City School of Massage. But experts agree that Princeton isn’t just better than Brown in academics, but in every conceivable way. For example:
- Better Homes and Gardens says Brown seems to have a weed problem.
- Cosmopolitan says Princeton students have better legs than Brown students.
- Sports Illustrated says we score more often. Playboy agrees.
- The National Enquirer says our Elvis love-child is better than Brown’s.
- The Nassau Weekly says, “Fart!”
- The Princeton Alumni Weekly says we have a bigger endowment.
Forming a little ‘b’ for ‘Bottom of the List’, the Princeton Band says, “Hey Brown, try again next year.”
(Band forms little ‘b’ and plays “Brown Cheering Song”)
And after that little ‘b’ comes the… C for Chlamydia D for Dandruff E for Elephantitis F… the Brown Band G for Gingivitis H for Halitosis I for Influenza J for Jaundice K for Kleinfelter’s L for Lockjaw M for Mumps N for Nymphomania O for Obesity and the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
“The Star-Spangled Banner”
Halftime
And now for the real reason you came to this game… the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Heeeeey, kids! Guess how the Registrar is screwing us over today? First it was SCORE. Then it was grade deflation. What is it this year? That’s right, it’s the Quintile Rankings! Now you can finally know the bleak truth about your academic standing. Are you really as smart as your mom says you are? Are you a mediocre student who needs to violate the Honor Code more often? Or should you just give up and transfer to Brown? By the way, for the Brown fans in the audience who can’t count up to 5, here’s a translation of quintiles into the Brown grading system:
- Quintile 1: Pass
- Quintile 2: Pass
- Quintile 3: Pass
- Quintile 4: Pass
- Quintile 5: (pause) Pass
With the new competitive spirit at Princeton, it’s a real academic jungle, and we in the Band are proud to be in the undergrowth. Forming the quintile where we all find ourselves, the Band says, “Welcome to the Jungle.”
(Band forms the number ‘5’ and plays “Welcome to the Jungle”)
Speaking of academic failures, take Brown University. (“Please! No, really!”) The other day we were beating up Brown’s valedictorian, and on his mutilated body we found some rolling papers, a “Vote Nader” pin, and a copy of his academic transcript. Here’s what it said. Freshman Year:
- French 102: Introduction to German
- Ethanol, THC, and Other Organic Compounds
- Naptime 101
- Putting Things Up Your Nose
- Urban Planning: SimCity 2000
- The Sociology of Horticulture
- Jamming Your Finger in an Electric Outlet: Causes and Consequences
- Interesting Shiny Objects
- Women’s Studies 302: Ms. Pac-Man
- Mastering The Oregon Trail
- Computer Science 1100101: Introduction to Binary
- Burger Flipping
- Poetry for Poets
- Prostitution: The Oldest Profession
- Careers in Sanitation Engineering
Telling the Brown students to go home because your classes just don’t matter, the Band says, “School’s Out.”
(Band forms single, single, stationary letter ‘P’ and plays “School’s Out”)
This halftime show was brought to you by the number 5 and the letter P.
