Brown 2007
Princeton at Brown
October 13th, 2007
Princeton loses 24-33
Pregame
Announcer: Knock, knock! Band: Who’s there? Announcer: It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto field]
This past Monday was Columbus Day. Being hardworking and studious, we didn’t get the day off. But those other 7 lesser schools in the Ivy League managed to find other uses for their holiday.
Forming a ‘b’ for blunt humor, the band plays “The Brown Cheering Song”.
[Band plays “Brown Cheering Song”]
And now… Marco Polo Vasco da Gama Hernan Cortes Francisco Pizarr o Henry Hudson Ferdinand Magellan Meriwether Lewis Amerigo Vespucci Captain Cook Captain Crunch Roald Amundsen Phillip the Navigator Leif Erikson Commodore Perry Juan Valdez Hernando de Soto and Juan Ponce de DOBLE DOBLE ROTATING P!
[Band plays Going Back]
Halftime
Big money big money big money no whammies no whammies STOP! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Forward]
We heard that the governor of Massachusetts was recently at Brown to pitch his plan to open casinos in his home state. This really got us thinking about the many advantages of casinos, and suddenly it came to us. Why not open a casino at Brown? Here are some of the changes we envision for the new Brown University/Casino:
Saluting Brown’s generous new policy, the Band hits the jackpot and plays “Back In Black”
[Band forms a $, plays “Back in Black”]
Browsing Brown’s website, we came across a series of stories about the worthy causes that Brown researchers have been working on. For example, chemists managed to determine exactly why dirt smells like dirt. Also, biologists succeeded in making a novel 3-dimensional petri dish. Of course, they were just trying to make a bong pipe, but the accomplishment is no less impressive. However, we figured these guys shouldn’t get all the glory, and we ought to take some time to note the achievements of others at Brown:
Forming a femur, the band plays…wait, what does the band play? Band, play something…
[Band forms a femur, plays a tritone] Dude, that was cool…do that again… [Band plays a tritone] Dude… [Band plays “Chameleon”]
Run away band, here come some special Brownies!
October 13th, 2007
Princeton loses 24-33
Pregame
Announcer: Knock, knock! Band: Who’s there? Announcer: It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto field]
This past Monday was Columbus Day. Being hardworking and studious, we didn’t get the day off. But those other 7 lesser schools in the Ivy League managed to find other uses for their holiday.
- Harvard had a quilting bee
- Dartmouth set out on a voyage to find civilization
- Columbia, not wanting to support a divisive, militaristic figure with no regard for human rights, decided to let the day pass unmarked
- Cornell didn’t get the day off. Those cows need milking every morning.
- Yale sucked a little less
- Penn was surprised to find themselves on this list
- Brown did the same thing they do every day
Forming a ‘b’ for blunt humor, the band plays “The Brown Cheering Song”.
[Band plays “Brown Cheering Song”]
And now… Marco Polo Vasco da Gama Hernan Cortes Francisco Pizarr o Henry Hudson Ferdinand Magellan Meriwether Lewis Amerigo Vespucci Captain Cook Captain Crunch Roald Amundsen Phillip the Navigator Leif Erikson Commodore Perry Juan Valdez Hernando de Soto and Juan Ponce de DOBLE DOBLE ROTATING P!
[Band plays Going Back]
Halftime
Big money big money big money no whammies no whammies STOP! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Forward]
We heard that the governor of Massachusetts was recently at Brown to pitch his plan to open casinos in his home state. This really got us thinking about the many advantages of casinos, and suddenly it came to us. Why not open a casino at Brown? Here are some of the changes we envision for the new Brown University/Casino:
- All TA’s will be replaced with cocktail waitresses
- Visiting professors will now include Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett
- Grades will now be decided by a roulette wheel, 36 P’s, 1 F and one FF
- The Rhode Island Gaming Commission will finally have something to do
- Professors will now hit on B, stay on B+
- Campus washing machines will only do your laundry on three cherries
- Brown’s second-rate reputation as an academic institution will be revitalized by the dignity and prestige associated with the gambling industry
- Chamber of Commerce will introduce the new slogan ‘Whatever happens in Providence, stays in Providence…because nobody cares’
- Dining halls will feature $5 lobster
- Instead of giving financial aid, they will just comp your losses
Saluting Brown’s generous new policy, the Band hits the jackpot and plays “Back In Black”
[Band forms a $, plays “Back in Black”]
Browsing Brown’s website, we came across a series of stories about the worthy causes that Brown researchers have been working on. For example, chemists managed to determine exactly why dirt smells like dirt. Also, biologists succeeded in making a novel 3-dimensional petri dish. Of course, they were just trying to make a bong pipe, but the accomplishment is no less impressive. However, we figured these guys shouldn’t get all the glory, and we ought to take some time to note the achievements of others at Brown:
- The physicists have been working on ways to get Brown into the rainbow
- Anthropologists have discovered the point in history where Brown students diverged from Homo Sapiens
- Philosophers finally found the answer to the question ‘Dude, wait, what?’
- Geographers discovered that Rhode Island isn’t an island…or a road
- Botanists have…honestly, do we even need to say it?
- Archaeologists digging in Africa the Fertile Crescent unearthed a femur bone that could be the oldest human remains ever discovered, then hollowed it out and smoked through it
Forming a femur, the band plays…wait, what does the band play? Band, play something…
[Band forms a femur, plays a tritone] Dude, that was cool…do that again… [Band plays a tritone] Dude… [Band plays “Chameleon”]
Run away band, here come some special Brownies!
