Brown 2009
Princeton at Brown
October 17, 2009
Princeton loses 17-34
Pregame:
Flying onto the field like a small boy hiding in a balloon, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on while playing Forward)
Playboy Magazine just revealed the cover of their November issue, which features a tastefully nude depiction of… Marge Simpson. From The Simpsons. You know, it’s sad, but I hear she just really needed the cash. Here’s what some other down-on-their-luck cartoon characters have been doing to make ends meet:
(The band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back)
We can’t stop here, band — this is frisky brown bear country!
Halftime:
Coming out of nowhere like a presidential Nobel Peace Prize, it’s the Princeton University Band!
You may be aware of last Friday’s surprising announcement that President Obama was this year’s recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was shocked as well, and without enough time to write a proper acceptance speech, he resorted to desperate strategies. We got our hands on Obama’s first draft, before his staff convinced him that Mad Libs were NOT an advisable speech-writing tactic: I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear, I do not view it as a recognition of my own SANDWICHES, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by ESKIMOS in all nations. To be FAT, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been SQUISHED by this prize, men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of ENCHILADAS. But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of SATURN that those men and women and all Americans want to POOP, a SATURN that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it’s also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 9000th century. That’s why my administration has worked to establish a MOIST era of engagement in which all nations must take responsibility for the world we SPANK. Encouraging the use of Mad-Libs in our nation’s governance, the band forms “noun” on the field and plays “Song.”
(The band forms NOUN and plays “Basket Case”)
Though we’re sure all of Brown’s Class of 2013 is wonderful, all eyes are upon one freshman this fall, a charming individual whose celebrity status is leaving everyone spellbound. I’m talking, of course, about Scout Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—although you may know her better as “Young Girl” from 1999’s “Breakfast of Champions.” Here are some of the experiences we’ve heard this celebrity freshman is having:
(The band forms a crude sketch of Bruce Willis and plays “Impression”)
Run away, band—you can’t disapparate on school grounds! Sorry, I’m done.
October 17, 2009
Princeton loses 17-34
Pregame:
Flying onto the field like a small boy hiding in a balloon, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on while playing Forward)
Playboy Magazine just revealed the cover of their November issue, which features a tastefully nude depiction of… Marge Simpson. From The Simpsons. You know, it’s sad, but I hear she just really needed the cash. Here’s what some other down-on-their-luck cartoon characters have been doing to make ends meet:
- The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started subletting part of their sewer to Franklin
- Spongebob has been selling his body… at a car wash
- George Jetson took a second job—now he has to press TWO buttons
- Yogi Bear has been violently mauling park visitors for their pick-a-nick baskets
- Rocky started giving flying lessons, and Bullwinkle started giving moose lessons
- Scooby-Doo has been relling ris rorgans on the rack rarket!
- Garfield still has a distended belly, but now due to malnutrition
- Dora sold Boots to a monkey-fighting ring
- And Doug traded in Porkchop for some porkchops
(The band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays Going Back)
We can’t stop here, band — this is frisky brown bear country!
Halftime:
Coming out of nowhere like a presidential Nobel Peace Prize, it’s the Princeton University Band!
You may be aware of last Friday’s surprising announcement that President Obama was this year’s recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was shocked as well, and without enough time to write a proper acceptance speech, he resorted to desperate strategies. We got our hands on Obama’s first draft, before his staff convinced him that Mad Libs were NOT an advisable speech-writing tactic: I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear, I do not view it as a recognition of my own SANDWICHES, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by ESKIMOS in all nations. To be FAT, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been SQUISHED by this prize, men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of ENCHILADAS. But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of SATURN that those men and women and all Americans want to POOP, a SATURN that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it’s also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 9000th century. That’s why my administration has worked to establish a MOIST era of engagement in which all nations must take responsibility for the world we SPANK. Encouraging the use of Mad-Libs in our nation’s governance, the band forms “noun” on the field and plays “Song.”
(The band forms NOUN and plays “Basket Case”)
Though we’re sure all of Brown’s Class of 2013 is wonderful, all eyes are upon one freshman this fall, a charming individual whose celebrity status is leaving everyone spellbound. I’m talking, of course, about Scout Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—although you may know her better as “Young Girl” from 1999’s “Breakfast of Champions.” Here are some of the experiences we’ve heard this celebrity freshman is having:
- She was attacked by a troll in her first week on campus—lay off the freshmen, Delta Phi
- She’s taking a seemingly impossible number of classes, thanks to one important tool—her excellent time-management skills
- She grew close to a large, hairy groundskeeper—only to find that it was just the empty Brown Bear mascot costume
- She was sorted into her social group for the next several years via a mystical process—called “rush”
- She was terrorized by an enormous basilisk—and then promised herself to never try shrooms again
(The band forms a crude sketch of Bruce Willis and plays “Impression”)
Run away, band—you can’t disapparate on school grounds! Sorry, I’m done.
