colgate 1985
Princeton vs. Colgate
October 19th, 1985
Princeton loses 44-49
(tickling noise in background, followed by random noises: jackhammer, gargle, siren, flush, etc.)
I’m Harry Reasoner. I’m Morely Safer. And I’m Andy Rooney. These stories and more on 8 1/2 Minutes. Brought to you by the Colgate Band. Today, the part of the Colgate Band will be played by The Princeton University Band.
(Band is dressed as tubes of toothpaste, wearing white garbage bags and styrofoam cups on head.)
“Colgate Fight Song”
(In Andy Rooney voice) Don’t you just hate going to the dentist? First they make you sit in the waiting room and listen to bad Hawaiian elevator music, while you read five year old issues of Highlights Magazine. And what about those fishtanks? You know, the ones built into the walls. How do they feed those fish, anyway? How clean are their teeth? What happens when they die? When they finally bring you into the office, you have to sit on this stupid chair. They put this lead apron on you — what do you use a lead apron for? Baking cookies in a microwave? Then they say they’re gonna take some x-rays, and then they leave the room. What about your arms? Don’t they absorb radiation? Of course, there is one good thing about going to the dentist — don’t you just love when he gives you the gas? Playing Classical Gas, the Colgate Band demonstrates the correct way to floss.
“Classical Gas” (Band forms teeth and gets flossed)
While the Colgate Band sleeps, a pasty film covers their mouths. They wake with the worst breath of the day. “Morning.” (Band falls down.) For those foul-mouthed Colgate Band members, four out of five Colgate alumni recommend that they wash their mouths out with soap. But they say: (To the tune of “Supercalifrigilisticexpialidocious”) When we get that morning breath or chronic halitosis Even though the smell of it is really quite atrocious We’ve tried Scope and Listerine and even tried Lavoris But no matter what we do alumni still abhor us.But on a serious note, (Band plays a note) the Colgate Band has found that the cause of most oral odor is too many feet in one mouth, and offers a surefire deodorizing solution.
“Colonel Bogie” (Band forms a smiley face)
“Oh no! It’s the Cavity Creeps!” (Smiley face turns to Mr. Bill face.)
The citizens of Toothopolis have not been brushing properly. They’re leaving their mouths vulnerable to attack. Good thing they have Colgate with MFP. The Colgate Band would now like to demonstrate proper brushing technique, and reminds you that, if you don’t clean your teeth after you eat, they may all come tumbling down.
“Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho” (Band forms a brush and moves back and forth)
Announcer:
The Encounter
Guy:
I was suffering from simple chronic halitosis. Heading to the Reserve Room for a long, hard night of studying, I popped a Certs in my mouth. Good thing.
Girl:
I was heading back from the Student Center. I had just smoked eight packs of clove cigarettes and figured I needed a Certs. Good thing.
Guy:
Oh! Excuse me! I didn’t mean to knock your books all over Firestone Plaza.
Girl:
Hey, you got your Molecular Biology in my Fluid Mechanics!
Guy:
Well, you got your Parables and Miracles in my Economic Policy!
Announcer:
Luckily these kids had just taken their Certs, the breath freshener with two, two, two tastes in one: tastes great and less filling.
Guy:
Gee, your breath smells great!
Girl:
Thanks. Hey — you wanna invite me over to your place for a beer?
Guy:
Sure! If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the beer.
(Band runs to endzone, takes off bags and cups, and puts on boaters.)
And now, a band that doesn't know the meaning of the words "oral hygeine," those ambassadors of musical perfection, that paradigm of orchestral magnificence, those purveyors of high stepping sonic glory, great humanitarians and a close personal friend of mine, let's bring them out, ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches out and plays "Princeton Forward.")
October 19, 2:30 pm. The American Dental Association files a missing musicians report for the Colgate Band (dragnet theme). The FBI takes on the job of finding them. The Princeton University Band, that guardian of truth, justice, and the American Way, offers to lend a hand. Traveling to the nation's capital, the Band arranges a clandestine rendezvous at the top of the Washington Monument with special agents from FBI headquarters.
(Band forms Washington Monument and plays "Washington Post March.")
The FBI tipped us off that the Colgate Band may have flocked to Paris for the annual quiche fest. Relentless in our quest, we hopped on the nearest Concorde for Paris. We climbed the tallest structure in sight, to get an Eiffel of the city. Although we never saw the Colgate Band, we vowed to continue our search, even if it meant spending "April in Paris."
(Band forms the Eiffel Tower and plays "April in Paris.")
Continuing its search, the Princeton Band followed a trail of empty beer bottles across the Atlantic, and found itself at the gates of the Budweiser brewery in St. Louis. After three weeks of intense searching, we determined that the Colgate Band was definitely not in the brewery. Out of leads, and out of beer, we've got the "St. Loui Blues."
(Band forms the Gateway Arch and plays "St. Loui Blues.")
October 19th, 1985
Princeton loses 44-49
(tickling noise in background, followed by random noises: jackhammer, gargle, siren, flush, etc.)
I’m Harry Reasoner. I’m Morely Safer. And I’m Andy Rooney. These stories and more on 8 1/2 Minutes. Brought to you by the Colgate Band. Today, the part of the Colgate Band will be played by The Princeton University Band.
(Band is dressed as tubes of toothpaste, wearing white garbage bags and styrofoam cups on head.)
“Colgate Fight Song”
(In Andy Rooney voice) Don’t you just hate going to the dentist? First they make you sit in the waiting room and listen to bad Hawaiian elevator music, while you read five year old issues of Highlights Magazine. And what about those fishtanks? You know, the ones built into the walls. How do they feed those fish, anyway? How clean are their teeth? What happens when they die? When they finally bring you into the office, you have to sit on this stupid chair. They put this lead apron on you — what do you use a lead apron for? Baking cookies in a microwave? Then they say they’re gonna take some x-rays, and then they leave the room. What about your arms? Don’t they absorb radiation? Of course, there is one good thing about going to the dentist — don’t you just love when he gives you the gas? Playing Classical Gas, the Colgate Band demonstrates the correct way to floss.
“Classical Gas” (Band forms teeth and gets flossed)
While the Colgate Band sleeps, a pasty film covers their mouths. They wake with the worst breath of the day. “Morning.” (Band falls down.) For those foul-mouthed Colgate Band members, four out of five Colgate alumni recommend that they wash their mouths out with soap. But they say: (To the tune of “Supercalifrigilisticexpialidocious”) When we get that morning breath or chronic halitosis Even though the smell of it is really quite atrocious We’ve tried Scope and Listerine and even tried Lavoris But no matter what we do alumni still abhor us.But on a serious note, (Band plays a note) the Colgate Band has found that the cause of most oral odor is too many feet in one mouth, and offers a surefire deodorizing solution.
“Colonel Bogie” (Band forms a smiley face)
“Oh no! It’s the Cavity Creeps!” (Smiley face turns to Mr. Bill face.)
The citizens of Toothopolis have not been brushing properly. They’re leaving their mouths vulnerable to attack. Good thing they have Colgate with MFP. The Colgate Band would now like to demonstrate proper brushing technique, and reminds you that, if you don’t clean your teeth after you eat, they may all come tumbling down.
“Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho” (Band forms a brush and moves back and forth)
Announcer:
The Encounter
Guy:
I was suffering from simple chronic halitosis. Heading to the Reserve Room for a long, hard night of studying, I popped a Certs in my mouth. Good thing.
Girl:
I was heading back from the Student Center. I had just smoked eight packs of clove cigarettes and figured I needed a Certs. Good thing.
Guy:
Oh! Excuse me! I didn’t mean to knock your books all over Firestone Plaza.
Girl:
Hey, you got your Molecular Biology in my Fluid Mechanics!
Guy:
Well, you got your Parables and Miracles in my Economic Policy!
Announcer:
Luckily these kids had just taken their Certs, the breath freshener with two, two, two tastes in one: tastes great and less filling.
Guy:
Gee, your breath smells great!
Girl:
Thanks. Hey — you wanna invite me over to your place for a beer?
Guy:
Sure! If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the beer.
(Band runs to endzone, takes off bags and cups, and puts on boaters.)
And now, a band that doesn't know the meaning of the words "oral hygeine," those ambassadors of musical perfection, that paradigm of orchestral magnificence, those purveyors of high stepping sonic glory, great humanitarians and a close personal friend of mine, let's bring them out, ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches out and plays "Princeton Forward.")
October 19, 2:30 pm. The American Dental Association files a missing musicians report for the Colgate Band (dragnet theme). The FBI takes on the job of finding them. The Princeton University Band, that guardian of truth, justice, and the American Way, offers to lend a hand. Traveling to the nation's capital, the Band arranges a clandestine rendezvous at the top of the Washington Monument with special agents from FBI headquarters.
(Band forms Washington Monument and plays "Washington Post March.")
The FBI tipped us off that the Colgate Band may have flocked to Paris for the annual quiche fest. Relentless in our quest, we hopped on the nearest Concorde for Paris. We climbed the tallest structure in sight, to get an Eiffel of the city. Although we never saw the Colgate Band, we vowed to continue our search, even if it meant spending "April in Paris."
(Band forms the Eiffel Tower and plays "April in Paris.")
Continuing its search, the Princeton Band followed a trail of empty beer bottles across the Atlantic, and found itself at the gates of the Budweiser brewery in St. Louis. After three weeks of intense searching, we determined that the Colgate Band was definitely not in the brewery. Out of leads, and out of beer, we've got the "St. Loui Blues."
(Band forms the Gateway Arch and plays "St. Loui Blues.")
