Colgate 1991
Princeton vs. Colgate
October 5th, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Saturday morning, so we must be the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
We are Band, Band we am,
We will not drink from kegs; they’re banned.
We will not slurp beer from a plate,
We won’t chug jello with Colgate.
We won’t nip schnopps to get a buzz,
We won’t sip shots. Why? Because
There’s Proctor One and Proctor Two,
And we know what they’re paid to do.
So hide your kegs and hide them well,
And keep the clapper in the bell.
Saluting the children of Colgate, the Band wants to remind you that “Fight Fight Fight” sounds suspiciously like “It’s a Small World After All,” unless you play it like this.
“It’s a Small World After All” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
The Band would like to welcome the staff and their families to Palmer Stadium. Be sure to help yourself to a free soda and popcorn - it’s on us! And be sure to check inside the box for the toy surprise - it’s your Christmas bonus. Saluting:
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
“The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents a probing, in-depth look at fraudelence.
“Princeton Forward”
Fakes, frauds, and phonies — the world is just full of things that aren’t quite what they seem. There’s DFS tofu parmesan, pectoral implants, cold fusion, Velveeta, cubic zirconium, Nancy Reagan’s left breast, and Colgate, with new and improved MFP — Mediocre Football Players. And then there’s the keg ban…oh, sorry, that’s not fake, it’s all too real. And in this age of falsity, even the Student Rug Agency is expanding to better serve Princeton’s oh-so masculine image. Forming a toupee (and you thought only women could fake it), the Band plays “I’m Gonna Wash that Hair Right Out of My Man.”
“Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair” (Band forms toupee, DM’s comb it)
We’re here at one of America’s finest universities, where we’ve secretly replaced their usual President, Hal Shapiro, with Folger’s Crystals. No one noticed. No one noticed last Spring’s fraud either, when the University granted George Bush an honorary degree. If we’re going to do that, we may as well give Dan Quayle a certificate in the Latin American Studies program; but only if he bones up on his Latin. Speaking of pulling one over on the public, the Band salutes the biggest fraud of recent times, in which two people made millions of dollars just by moving their lips, and plays a tribute to Milli Vanilli. “Phantom of the Opera” begins playing over the PA (Band forms dollar sign and fakes playing) But wait! The Band isn’t a fake. We can play that for real.
“Phantom of the Opera”
In July, the Registrar’s office reported that 200 blank transcripts and the embossing machine were stolen. During the Summer, Associate Dean of Students Murt Whitcomb quit her job. Coincidence? You decide. To order your very own monogrammed transcript, dial 258-SCAM and kiss your problem sets goodbye. “Press 4 for an A, 3 for a B, or 3.5 for a B+. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please wait for the lady with the bun.” Improving it’s GPA, the Band salutes West College: last year one fake student — this year, 200 bogus alumni.
“Pomp and Circumstance” (Band forms an ‘F’, changes to an ‘A’)
You know what they say about the size of your band: the smaller it is, the harder you have to blow.
October 5th, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Saturday morning, so we must be the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
We are Band, Band we am,
We will not drink from kegs; they’re banned.
We will not slurp beer from a plate,
We won’t chug jello with Colgate.
We won’t nip schnopps to get a buzz,
We won’t sip shots. Why? Because
There’s Proctor One and Proctor Two,
And we know what they’re paid to do.
So hide your kegs and hide them well,
And keep the clapper in the bell.
Saluting the children of Colgate, the Band wants to remind you that “Fight Fight Fight” sounds suspiciously like “It’s a Small World After All,” unless you play it like this.
“It’s a Small World After All” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
The Band would like to welcome the staff and their families to Palmer Stadium. Be sure to help yourself to a free soda and popcorn - it’s on us! And be sure to check inside the box for the toy surprise - it’s your Christmas bonus. Saluting:
- The overworked,
- Underfunded,
- Nine to four-thirty,
- Overstressed,
- Double-parked,
- Going beyond, above, and scattered throughout the call of duty,
- We invited Jimmy Hoffa to be in our show, but he chouldn’t come because he just wasn’t feeling himself today,
- The Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P!
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
“The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents a probing, in-depth look at fraudelence.
“Princeton Forward”
Fakes, frauds, and phonies — the world is just full of things that aren’t quite what they seem. There’s DFS tofu parmesan, pectoral implants, cold fusion, Velveeta, cubic zirconium, Nancy Reagan’s left breast, and Colgate, with new and improved MFP — Mediocre Football Players. And then there’s the keg ban…oh, sorry, that’s not fake, it’s all too real. And in this age of falsity, even the Student Rug Agency is expanding to better serve Princeton’s oh-so masculine image. Forming a toupee (and you thought only women could fake it), the Band plays “I’m Gonna Wash that Hair Right Out of My Man.”
“Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair” (Band forms toupee, DM’s comb it)
We’re here at one of America’s finest universities, where we’ve secretly replaced their usual President, Hal Shapiro, with Folger’s Crystals. No one noticed. No one noticed last Spring’s fraud either, when the University granted George Bush an honorary degree. If we’re going to do that, we may as well give Dan Quayle a certificate in the Latin American Studies program; but only if he bones up on his Latin. Speaking of pulling one over on the public, the Band salutes the biggest fraud of recent times, in which two people made millions of dollars just by moving their lips, and plays a tribute to Milli Vanilli. “Phantom of the Opera” begins playing over the PA (Band forms dollar sign and fakes playing) But wait! The Band isn’t a fake. We can play that for real.
“Phantom of the Opera”
In July, the Registrar’s office reported that 200 blank transcripts and the embossing machine were stolen. During the Summer, Associate Dean of Students Murt Whitcomb quit her job. Coincidence? You decide. To order your very own monogrammed transcript, dial 258-SCAM and kiss your problem sets goodbye. “Press 4 for an A, 3 for a B, or 3.5 for a B+. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please wait for the lady with the bun.” Improving it’s GPA, the Band salutes West College: last year one fake student — this year, 200 bogus alumni.
“Pomp and Circumstance” (Band forms an ‘F’, changes to an ‘A’)
You know what they say about the size of your band: the smaller it is, the harder you have to blow.
