Colgate 2000
Princeton at Colgate
October 7th, 2000
Princeton loses 6-34
Pregame
Note: Colgate did not allow the band to perform a pregame show.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, promising not to make any stupid toothpaste jokes that you’ve heard a million times already, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
It’s time for the major-league baseball playoffs. Unfortunately, no one seems to care. So we wrote to the Major League Baseball Association, suggesting they implement the following changes to make the baseball more exciting:
Forming a baseball diamond, the Band tries to get to third base.
(Band forms a baseball diamond; band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'” while trash section plays baseball.)
And speaking of the Braves, the Indians, and the Phillies — well, not the Phillies — this Monday is Columbus Day. The Princeton Band plans to relax and celebrate Columbus Day the old-fashioned way — by exploiting indigenous peoples and contracting a nasty case of syphilis. We do wonder why Columbus gets honored every year. After all, he was responsible for:
Columbus didn’t even really discover America. That honor belongs to those nasty, hairy barbarians from the frozen north — no, not the Colgate Band — the Vikings! We can understand why the world favors Columbus over Leif Erickson, though. Columbus discovered the beautiful, warm islands of the Caribbean, while the Vikings discovered… Canada. Forming a flat earth, the Band reminds you that in the event the earth is flat, exits are located in the huge gaping hole in the ocean. Keep in mind that the nearest gaping hole may be behind you.
(Band forms a flat earth; band plays “Hawaii 5-0” while trash section sails off the end.)
The Band supposes that if there is an end to the earth, it probably isn’t far from here.
October 7th, 2000
Princeton loses 6-34
Pregame
Note: Colgate did not allow the band to perform a pregame show.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, promising not to make any stupid toothpaste jokes that you’ve heard a million times already, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
It’s time for the major-league baseball playoffs. Unfortunately, no one seems to care. So we wrote to the Major League Baseball Association, suggesting they implement the following changes to make the baseball more exciting:
- At the end of every inning, vote a player out of the game.
- Aztec Death Rules: Two teams enter, ONE TEAM LEAVES!
- Multiball!
- Upgrade the batboy to Batman.
- The first 500 children get an autographed baseball cap. The last 500 children get an autographed jock strap.
- Get rid of the right fielder; replace him with a temperamental monkey.
- Rename the dugout “The Pit of Despair.”
- Install a hash bar in the stadium.
- New rule: If a fan catches your foul pop, he gets to make out with your wife.
- Replace the umpire with Judge Judy.
- JumboTron porn.
- Have the Cubs win something. ANYTHING.
- Or the best suggestion of all… invite a marching band.
Forming a baseball diamond, the Band tries to get to third base.
(Band forms a baseball diamond; band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'” while trash section plays baseball.)
And speaking of the Braves, the Indians, and the Phillies — well, not the Phillies — this Monday is Columbus Day. The Princeton Band plans to relax and celebrate Columbus Day the old-fashioned way — by exploiting indigenous peoples and contracting a nasty case of syphilis. We do wonder why Columbus gets honored every year. After all, he was responsible for:
- Columbus, Ohio
- The obsolescence of the folding globe
- A bunch of damn stupid movies in 1992
- And he proved you could get somewhere in a Pinto.
Columbus didn’t even really discover America. That honor belongs to those nasty, hairy barbarians from the frozen north — no, not the Colgate Band — the Vikings! We can understand why the world favors Columbus over Leif Erickson, though. Columbus discovered the beautiful, warm islands of the Caribbean, while the Vikings discovered… Canada. Forming a flat earth, the Band reminds you that in the event the earth is flat, exits are located in the huge gaping hole in the ocean. Keep in mind that the nearest gaping hole may be behind you.
(Band forms a flat earth; band plays “Hawaii 5-0” while trash section sails off the end.)
The Band supposes that if there is an end to the earth, it probably isn’t far from here.
