Columbia 1985
Columbia at Princeton
October 12th, 1985
Princeton wins 31-0
The Princeton University Band welcomes Freshmen Parents, and congratulates the Class of 1989 on being admitted. Just how did they get in? We’d like to know. Let’s take an up-close and personal look at college admissions.
“Princeton Forward”
So ya wanna get into Princeton. Your GPA is good — you’ve kept it up for four years. But let’s see how well you score on your S.A.T. Forming an oval on the field, the Band invites you to darken us in with your #2 pencil.
(Narrative over music)
Question #1: If Gordon buys a dining hall for $9 million, and Malcolm buys a Residential College for $3 million, how much would you pay to have the Molecular Biology building named after you? Please show all work.
Question #2: Columbia is to victory as
a) 17 is to 49
b) Garrett is to tact
c) Lions is to Tigers
d) Bears, oh my!
“Theme From Jeopardy” (Band forms Oval)
Stop. (“Jeopardy” music stops) Put your instruments down. (Band members do so.) Close your booklets. You will now have a short break before your next formation. No application would be complete without the alumni interview. Does this ring a bell?… (a la Monty Python) Next. What is your name? Alfred E. Quagmire. What is your quest? Higher education and intellectual stimulation. What is your favorite color? Orange. No — black! Aghhhh!However, there’s no reason to see the interview as Risky Business. In fact, it can be a learning experience for both parties involved. For the more experienced and well rounded students, the private administrative interview is in order. Applauding these more personally revealing sessions, the Band forms a magnifying glass and invites you to “Hey, Look Us Over.”
“Hey Look Me Over” (Band forms magnifying glass)
You remember, don’t you? It was April 16th, 4:15 p.m. You’d just gotten back from the big yearbook meeting, and mummy was fixing you an after-school snack of Campbell’s tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. When there it was. (Band plays first bar of Beethoven’s Fifth.) That big, fat letter from Princeton. Not everyone got a fat one, though. There were lots of people who had to read skinny little letters that began: “Dear Theodore: Every year Princeton University receives thousands of applications from highly qualified students…” The Band would like to take a moment to acknowledge our sympathies for all those applicants who couldn’t meet the stiff entrance requirements: Madonna, Francis the Talking Mule, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Mr. Clean, GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip, and the Columbia Band. We commiserate with those who had to settle for Columbia. Sorry — we hear you knocking, but you can’t come in.
“I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In” (after the Columbia Band has just played it 5 times) (Band forms ‘NO’)
Of course it was hard to get in, but now you’ve got to pay to stay in. How can you beat the rising cost of a college education without being caught in the vice-like grip of financial insecurity? If you want to avoid the financial aid office, you could liquidate your assets or even drain your savings; but be careful, there are substantial penalties for early withdrawal. Forming the shrinking dollar of student loans, the Band offers this advice — still don’t think you’ll be able to pay? Don’t worry. If all else fails… Punt. Oh, no, Columbia! You can’t even do that.
“Mission Impossible” (Band forms a dollar bill which shrinks)
October 12th, 1985
Princeton wins 31-0
The Princeton University Band welcomes Freshmen Parents, and congratulates the Class of 1989 on being admitted. Just how did they get in? We’d like to know. Let’s take an up-close and personal look at college admissions.
“Princeton Forward”
So ya wanna get into Princeton. Your GPA is good — you’ve kept it up for four years. But let’s see how well you score on your S.A.T. Forming an oval on the field, the Band invites you to darken us in with your #2 pencil.
(Narrative over music)
Question #1: If Gordon buys a dining hall for $9 million, and Malcolm buys a Residential College for $3 million, how much would you pay to have the Molecular Biology building named after you? Please show all work.
Question #2: Columbia is to victory as
a) 17 is to 49
b) Garrett is to tact
c) Lions is to Tigers
d) Bears, oh my!
“Theme From Jeopardy” (Band forms Oval)
Stop. (“Jeopardy” music stops) Put your instruments down. (Band members do so.) Close your booklets. You will now have a short break before your next formation. No application would be complete without the alumni interview. Does this ring a bell?… (a la Monty Python) Next. What is your name? Alfred E. Quagmire. What is your quest? Higher education and intellectual stimulation. What is your favorite color? Orange. No — black! Aghhhh!However, there’s no reason to see the interview as Risky Business. In fact, it can be a learning experience for both parties involved. For the more experienced and well rounded students, the private administrative interview is in order. Applauding these more personally revealing sessions, the Band forms a magnifying glass and invites you to “Hey, Look Us Over.”
“Hey Look Me Over” (Band forms magnifying glass)
You remember, don’t you? It was April 16th, 4:15 p.m. You’d just gotten back from the big yearbook meeting, and mummy was fixing you an after-school snack of Campbell’s tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. When there it was. (Band plays first bar of Beethoven’s Fifth.) That big, fat letter from Princeton. Not everyone got a fat one, though. There were lots of people who had to read skinny little letters that began: “Dear Theodore: Every year Princeton University receives thousands of applications from highly qualified students…” The Band would like to take a moment to acknowledge our sympathies for all those applicants who couldn’t meet the stiff entrance requirements: Madonna, Francis the Talking Mule, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Mr. Clean, GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip, and the Columbia Band. We commiserate with those who had to settle for Columbia. Sorry — we hear you knocking, but you can’t come in.
“I Hear You Knocking, But You Can’t Come In” (after the Columbia Band has just played it 5 times) (Band forms ‘NO’)
Of course it was hard to get in, but now you’ve got to pay to stay in. How can you beat the rising cost of a college education without being caught in the vice-like grip of financial insecurity? If you want to avoid the financial aid office, you could liquidate your assets or even drain your savings; but be careful, there are substantial penalties for early withdrawal. Forming the shrinking dollar of student loans, the Band offers this advice — still don’t think you’ll be able to pay? Don’t worry. If all else fails… Punt. Oh, no, Columbia! You can’t even do that.
“Mission Impossible” (Band forms a dollar bill which shrinks)
