Columbia 1989
Princeton vs. Columbia
October 14th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, in a salute to our honored guests, the Princeton University Band takes a no-holds-barred look at things Columbian.
(“Princeton Forward”)
Students have long been aware of their options when it comes to staying awake during that all-nighter: one is rich Columbian coffee; the other is made by rich Columbians. Speaking of rich Columbians, the FBI has arranged for the immediate extradition of Juan Valdez, for allegedly hand-picking a most suspicious Columbian blend. The FBI also attempted a military raid on Columbia, but only had enough frequent flyer miles to reach Columbia, South Carolina. So they levelled it instead. They quickly concocted a cover story about a hurricane named Hugo and leaked it to the world through a Northeastern college newspaper, shown here. The Prince regrets the error.
(Band forms a newspaper and plays “Another One Bites the Dust”)
With the ever-increasing crackdown, the Columbian Cartel has been forced to diversify, by merging with the Columbia record and tape club. But don’t worry, you’ll still be able to get your six big hits for just one penny. You’re not even obligated to buy anything further…but most customers do. Prompt payment is appreciated, or one of their collection agents will visit your home with some .38 caliber motivation, shown here.
(Band forms a gun and plays “Peter Gunn”)
Last month, Columbia Pictures was bought by the Sony Electronics megacorporation, who has announced plans to re-release such classic films as “House of the Rising Sun,” “Empire of the Sun,” “A Raisin in the Sun,” “Sanford and Son,” “Looking for Mr. Goodbar-san,” “The Man with the Golden Shogun,” and “Godzilla Eats the Federal Reserve.” There will also be an adaptation of the Dr. Seuss classic, “Green Eggs and Tofu” with that famous opening line, “I are Sam, Samurai.” Another recently acquired Sony subsidiary, Columbia Records, is preparing to release Madonna’s new album, “Like a Geisha,” as well as old classics like “Wake Up Little Sushi,” “Wouldn’t it be Rice,” and “Wok Around the Clock.” Forming a wok on the field, the Band stir-fries its trash section, and salutes Sony for stirring up the American entertainment scene.
(Band forms a wok–as trash are cooked there are puffs from extinguishers–while playing “Rock Around the Clock”)
Columbia, Columbia, Columbia, making the news every night–all except for those baby blue blundering bozos from the wrong side of the river. As you can see, the Columbia band seems to sleepwalk through life. Peering into their dreams we find a strange Freudian fixation with the year 1613. Events of this year include Tchaikovsky composing the “1613 Overture,” commemorating the War of 1613, the start of the Irish Potato Famine, from which DFS has yet to recover, and Princeton University first evaluating the feasibility of the possibility of a Campus Center Now! Strange dreams, indeed. Needless to say, Columbia should have just stayed in bed this morning, for while the Tiger prowls this Palmer jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight.
(Band forms ‘Z Z Z’, spells ‘WIMOWEH’ with cards, plays “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”)
Columbia: nine letters. Cane Spree: nine letters. Coincidence? You decide.
October 14th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, in a salute to our honored guests, the Princeton University Band takes a no-holds-barred look at things Columbian.
(“Princeton Forward”)
Students have long been aware of their options when it comes to staying awake during that all-nighter: one is rich Columbian coffee; the other is made by rich Columbians. Speaking of rich Columbians, the FBI has arranged for the immediate extradition of Juan Valdez, for allegedly hand-picking a most suspicious Columbian blend. The FBI also attempted a military raid on Columbia, but only had enough frequent flyer miles to reach Columbia, South Carolina. So they levelled it instead. They quickly concocted a cover story about a hurricane named Hugo and leaked it to the world through a Northeastern college newspaper, shown here. The Prince regrets the error.
(Band forms a newspaper and plays “Another One Bites the Dust”)
With the ever-increasing crackdown, the Columbian Cartel has been forced to diversify, by merging with the Columbia record and tape club. But don’t worry, you’ll still be able to get your six big hits for just one penny. You’re not even obligated to buy anything further…but most customers do. Prompt payment is appreciated, or one of their collection agents will visit your home with some .38 caliber motivation, shown here.
(Band forms a gun and plays “Peter Gunn”)
Last month, Columbia Pictures was bought by the Sony Electronics megacorporation, who has announced plans to re-release such classic films as “House of the Rising Sun,” “Empire of the Sun,” “A Raisin in the Sun,” “Sanford and Son,” “Looking for Mr. Goodbar-san,” “The Man with the Golden Shogun,” and “Godzilla Eats the Federal Reserve.” There will also be an adaptation of the Dr. Seuss classic, “Green Eggs and Tofu” with that famous opening line, “I are Sam, Samurai.” Another recently acquired Sony subsidiary, Columbia Records, is preparing to release Madonna’s new album, “Like a Geisha,” as well as old classics like “Wake Up Little Sushi,” “Wouldn’t it be Rice,” and “Wok Around the Clock.” Forming a wok on the field, the Band stir-fries its trash section, and salutes Sony for stirring up the American entertainment scene.
(Band forms a wok–as trash are cooked there are puffs from extinguishers–while playing “Rock Around the Clock”)
Columbia, Columbia, Columbia, making the news every night–all except for those baby blue blundering bozos from the wrong side of the river. As you can see, the Columbia band seems to sleepwalk through life. Peering into their dreams we find a strange Freudian fixation with the year 1613. Events of this year include Tchaikovsky composing the “1613 Overture,” commemorating the War of 1613, the start of the Irish Potato Famine, from which DFS has yet to recover, and Princeton University first evaluating the feasibility of the possibility of a Campus Center Now! Strange dreams, indeed. Needless to say, Columbia should have just stayed in bed this morning, for while the Tiger prowls this Palmer jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight.
(Band forms ‘Z Z Z’, spells ‘WIMOWEH’ with cards, plays “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”)
Columbia: nine letters. Cane Spree: nine letters. Coincidence? You decide.
