Columbia 1991
Princeton vs. Columbia
November 2nd, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the awesome high-stepping sonic glory of the thousand-member strong Princeton University Band.
(Band scrambles onto field)
Sorry, we seem to be missing a few people here and there… and there… and here… and over there, but over Fall Break, most of the Band was deployed to Madrid to bring peace to the Middle East. So, what have you done with your Fall Break? But don’t worry, Columbia, we should mop up that little mess easily, before we take on the more difficult task of explaining child-proof caps to the Columbia students. Forming a lowly and insignificant ‘c’ on the field, the Band invites the Columbia fans to press down hard and twist.
“Roar, Lion, Roar” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
And now, solving even more of the world’s problems right here on the pregame field,
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)
“The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Marching onto the field like the new Center for Human Values, and just as picturesque, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward” (Band marches on in hollow block band)
Digging ditches, tearing down trees, and laying asphalt — future jobs for Columbia undergrads, yes, but they’re also the cornerstones of the University’s campus beautification program. The University plans to rid itself of its biggest eyesore by putting Butler College on rails and dumping it into Lake Carnegie — remember, it’s better on the bottom. In the interest of both artistic beauty and gender equality, the sculpture “Oval with Points” will be moved from West College to the E-Quad next to the sculpture “Upstart #2.” Elm Club, long an aesthetic catastrophe, will finally be crowned with giant birthday candles in commemoration of Triangle’s 100th anniversary. Finally, to back up Ann Lander’s claim that the Nude Olympics are just good, clean fun, the entire Class of ’94 has been shipped off for cleaning and repairs. Forming a bar of soap on the field, the Band salutes this long overdue cleaning, and plays “Wipe Off.”
“Wipe Out” (Band forms a bar of soap)
In addition to the plans to improve the appearance of the campus, the University is also trying to improve the appearance of student life. Upon receipt of a liquor license, a bar is to opened in the basement of the Student Center. Responding to an enthusiastic reception from the students, plans have been expanded to include the construction of a wet bar in the Woodrow Wilson Fountain, and a sushi bar in the basement of the new biology building. This week’s special is frog legs — next week, sheep brain. Forming a frog’s leg on the field, the Band asks that age-old question, “Why does my sushi taste like formaldehyde?” and suggests an alternative preserving fluid for the biology department.
“Tequila” (Band forms a frog leg)
However, the recent flurry of construction and renovation will produce many benefits. The newly renovated McCarter Theatre will now be able to host American Gladiators, and sports a new arena for MONSTER TRUCKS trucks trucks. There are also plans to transform Blair Hall into the Center for Pyrotechnic Studies, Dial Lodge into the Center for Pagan Studies, and to open the brand new Woolworth Center for Extra Values. The Chapel will not be ready until December, as the Dean of the Chapel is re-installing the organ. Also being installed is a full-sized swimming pool, bungee jumping facilities, and a nautilus room, complete with a Stairmaster to Heaven. Forming bungee jumping on the field, the Band reminds you that if you twist and shout, you are more likely to fall.
“Twist and La Bamba” (Band forms a cliff, trash member bungee jumps)
But despite the inconveniences and eyesores created by the work around the campus, at least we’re not New York. Imagine how surprised we were when we heard that New York’s water broke, despite their shortage of labor. Of course Columbia, demonstrating its leech-like tendencies and complete disregard for the surrounding community, will be holding crew races this weekend on the 1, the 3, and alternate service on the Lex. They have, on the other hand, helped the unemployed and homeless in the area by offering them tenure. Out of sympathy for your apparent desperate state in attending a second-rate school, we were going to present you with the only gift that we thought would help make your campus more bearable: sixty-nine thousand Stick-Ups, but of course, you already have those. Instead, forming musical superiority on the field, we’d like to play that annoying song Columbia plays every year, but didn’t this year because they slept through pre-game. Sorry guys; maybe next year.
“I Hear You Knocking” (Band forms a concert shell)
New York, New York, it’s not a hell of a town; it’s just plain Hell.
November 2nd, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the awesome high-stepping sonic glory of the thousand-member strong Princeton University Band.
(Band scrambles onto field)
Sorry, we seem to be missing a few people here and there… and there… and here… and over there, but over Fall Break, most of the Band was deployed to Madrid to bring peace to the Middle East. So, what have you done with your Fall Break? But don’t worry, Columbia, we should mop up that little mess easily, before we take on the more difficult task of explaining child-proof caps to the Columbia students. Forming a lowly and insignificant ‘c’ on the field, the Band invites the Columbia fans to press down hard and twist.
“Roar, Lion, Roar” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
And now, solving even more of the world’s problems right here on the pregame field,
- Faster than a derailed subway car,
- ABle to leap Columbia students in a single bound,
- Single-handedly repairing the ozone layer,
- Feeding the world’s hungry with pork rolls from Harry’s Luncheonette,
- Clothing the naked, except for Princeton’s own Olympic hopefuls,
- Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman,
- All-encompassing,
- Stickier than the floor of this taproom,
- More effective than Carl Wartenburg’s alcohol policy,
- More tummy toning than the adbomenizer,
- It’s the Single-Double Rotating P!
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating P)
“The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Marching onto the field like the new Center for Human Values, and just as picturesque, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward” (Band marches on in hollow block band)
Digging ditches, tearing down trees, and laying asphalt — future jobs for Columbia undergrads, yes, but they’re also the cornerstones of the University’s campus beautification program. The University plans to rid itself of its biggest eyesore by putting Butler College on rails and dumping it into Lake Carnegie — remember, it’s better on the bottom. In the interest of both artistic beauty and gender equality, the sculpture “Oval with Points” will be moved from West College to the E-Quad next to the sculpture “Upstart #2.” Elm Club, long an aesthetic catastrophe, will finally be crowned with giant birthday candles in commemoration of Triangle’s 100th anniversary. Finally, to back up Ann Lander’s claim that the Nude Olympics are just good, clean fun, the entire Class of ’94 has been shipped off for cleaning and repairs. Forming a bar of soap on the field, the Band salutes this long overdue cleaning, and plays “Wipe Off.”
“Wipe Out” (Band forms a bar of soap)
In addition to the plans to improve the appearance of the campus, the University is also trying to improve the appearance of student life. Upon receipt of a liquor license, a bar is to opened in the basement of the Student Center. Responding to an enthusiastic reception from the students, plans have been expanded to include the construction of a wet bar in the Woodrow Wilson Fountain, and a sushi bar in the basement of the new biology building. This week’s special is frog legs — next week, sheep brain. Forming a frog’s leg on the field, the Band asks that age-old question, “Why does my sushi taste like formaldehyde?” and suggests an alternative preserving fluid for the biology department.
“Tequila” (Band forms a frog leg)
However, the recent flurry of construction and renovation will produce many benefits. The newly renovated McCarter Theatre will now be able to host American Gladiators, and sports a new arena for MONSTER TRUCKS trucks trucks. There are also plans to transform Blair Hall into the Center for Pyrotechnic Studies, Dial Lodge into the Center for Pagan Studies, and to open the brand new Woolworth Center for Extra Values. The Chapel will not be ready until December, as the Dean of the Chapel is re-installing the organ. Also being installed is a full-sized swimming pool, bungee jumping facilities, and a nautilus room, complete with a Stairmaster to Heaven. Forming bungee jumping on the field, the Band reminds you that if you twist and shout, you are more likely to fall.
“Twist and La Bamba” (Band forms a cliff, trash member bungee jumps)
But despite the inconveniences and eyesores created by the work around the campus, at least we’re not New York. Imagine how surprised we were when we heard that New York’s water broke, despite their shortage of labor. Of course Columbia, demonstrating its leech-like tendencies and complete disregard for the surrounding community, will be holding crew races this weekend on the 1, the 3, and alternate service on the Lex. They have, on the other hand, helped the unemployed and homeless in the area by offering them tenure. Out of sympathy for your apparent desperate state in attending a second-rate school, we were going to present you with the only gift that we thought would help make your campus more bearable: sixty-nine thousand Stick-Ups, but of course, you already have those. Instead, forming musical superiority on the field, we’d like to play that annoying song Columbia plays every year, but didn’t this year because they slept through pre-game. Sorry guys; maybe next year.
“I Hear You Knocking” (Band forms a concert shell)
New York, New York, it’s not a hell of a town; it’s just plain Hell.
