Columbia 2000
Princeton at Columbia
September 30th, 2000
Princeton wins 27-24
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, schlepping onto the field like Bubby (oy!), it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
We heard today was Rosh Hashanah, but we didn’t know what that meant. So we asked people on the streets of New York, just what is Rosh Hashanah? Here are some of the answers we got:
Forming a ‘c’ for Moses to part, the Band says, “Schvitz, Lion, Schvitz!”
(Band forms a lower-case ‘c’ and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”)
And now, wishing a happy New Year to:
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Schlepp, Band! Schlepp like the wind!
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, live from Boro Park, it’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Erev Rosh Hashana, featuring the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
It’s great to be here in New York, and as long as we were here, we thought we’d see a show. But not every Broadway musical is a success. Here are some shows that didn’t make the cut:
Saluting our favorite show, “Jesus Christ Superfly,” the Band forms a superfly hat.
(Band forms a hat with a feather and plays “Superstar”)
But if you want to see some quality acting, don’t go to Broadway… look no further than the New York Senate race. Following in the footsteps of Jesse “The Body” Ventura, no one has higher hopes for the election than Hilary “The Wife” Clinton. Having completed her move from Little Rock to the Big Apple, she’s already made the following plans to make New York more like her home state of Arkansas:
And noting the most drastic change of all… that property values on the Hudson River will mysteriously increase 6000%, the Band forms the white waters of the Hudson.
(Band forms the Hudson River and plays “Proud Mary”)
In parting, the Band asks you to remember: It takes a Greenwich Village to raise a transvestite.
September 30th, 2000
Princeton wins 27-24
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, schlepping onto the field like Bubby (oy!), it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
We heard today was Rosh Hashanah, but we didn’t know what that meant. So we asked people on the streets of New York, just what is Rosh Hashanah? Here are some of the answers we got:
- “It’s a time when Jews get together and get hammered.”
- “It was the tribe with the hot chick on ‘Survivor.'”
- “I don’t know, but they closed the freakin’ deli.
- “Ebeneezer Scrooge said, ‘It’s just a poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket every first of Tishre.'”
- “Don’t ask me. I’m Reform.”
- “Wasn’t he the bad guy in ‘The Usual Suspects’?”
- and “I don’t know, but I’ll give you twenty bucks for a bag of it.”
Forming a ‘c’ for Moses to part, the Band says, “Schvitz, Lion, Schvitz!”
(Band forms a lower-case ‘c’ and plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”)
And now, wishing a happy New Year to:
- Albert Einstein,
- Sandy Koufax,
- Henny Youngman,
- Whoopi Goldberg,
- Rube Goldberg,
- Hal Shapiro,
- Joe Lieberman,
- Alan Dershowitz,
- Sarah Michelle Gellar,
- Barbara Streisand,
- Woody Allen,
- Harpo, Groucho, Chico, and probably Zeppo,
- Larry, Curly, Moe, and certainly Shemp,
- Steven Spielberg,
- Reverend Jackson-oh wait, scratch that one,
- Mel Brooks,
- Moses,
- Gary Coleman,
- Oscar Meyer,
- Sammy Davis, Jr.,
- Judd Hirsch,
- and that guy with the fiddle on the roof,
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Schlepp, Band! Schlepp like the wind!
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, live from Boro Park, it’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Erev Rosh Hashana, featuring the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
It’s great to be here in New York, and as long as we were here, we thought we’d see a show. But not every Broadway musical is a success. Here are some shows that didn’t make the cut:
- “Smoky Joe’s Hash Bar”
- “Little Shop of Whores”
- “Don Chihuahua, the Man of Chalupa”
- “Twice Upon a Mattress”
- From the makers of “Rent”: “Lease… With an Option to Buy”
- “Blue Man Support Group”
- “How to Succeed in Business Despite Going to Columbia”
- “Saturday Night West Nile Fever” (Band stops scrambling and does a disco point.)
- and from the makers of “Guys and Dolls”: “Pimps and Hos”
Saluting our favorite show, “Jesus Christ Superfly,” the Band forms a superfly hat.
(Band forms a hat with a feather and plays “Superstar”)
But if you want to see some quality acting, don’t go to Broadway… look no further than the New York Senate race. Following in the footsteps of Jesse “The Body” Ventura, no one has higher hopes for the election than Hilary “The Wife” Clinton. Having completed her move from Little Rock to the Big Apple, she’s already made the following plans to make New York more like her home state of Arkansas:
- Lincoln Center will become home to the Grand Ol’ Metropolitan Opry.
- “No Trespassing” signs will be replaced with signs that read, “Git Off My Property!”
- Public schools will drop in the rankings from 49th to 50th.
- NBC Ratings will reach an all-time high as tired “Saturday Night Live” is replaced with reruns of “Hee-Haw.”
- Strip bars will return to Times Square.
- The stores will be replaced with the chores… and Times Square will be replaced with fresh air. (Quad toms play the Green Acres theme.)
- Soho will be renamed “Soo-eey!”
- Fast-food restaurants will post the motto, “No shirt, no shoes, no problem!”.
- La Guardia will be renamed Uncle Fio’s Country Airport.
- The Stock Exchange will be converted to the Livestock Exchange, ensuring that it’ll always be a bull market.
And noting the most drastic change of all… that property values on the Hudson River will mysteriously increase 6000%, the Band forms the white waters of the Hudson.
(Band forms the Hudson River and plays “Proud Mary”)
In parting, the Band asks you to remember: It takes a Greenwich Village to raise a transvestite.
