Columbia 2007
Columbia at Princeton
September 29th, 2007
Princeton wins 42-32
Pregame
Honoring legendary mime Marcel Marceau, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches out silently, miming Cannon]
Recently, Senator Hillary Clinton proposed that all newborns be given $5000 dollars. We couldn’t help but wonder, what are they going to spend it on? Will it be:
In response to Clinton’s proposals, a representative from the American Association of Neo-natal People issued the following statement: *make some babyish burbling noises in the microphone* Forming a lowercase ‘c’ for Clinton’s inept social policy, the band plays ‘Roar Lion, Roar’!
[Band plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”]
And now, Defenestrated Deliberated Degenerative Digital Dodecahedral Dogmatic Dirigible Darwinian Dilapidated Deranged Devious Demonic Despicable Dark Dastardly Delicate Dactylic Dichotomous Double Double ROTATING P!!!!
[Band plays Going Back]
Please rise for the national anthem. [Band plays national anthem]
Run away band, it’s time to give new meaning to the phrase ‘cradle-robbing’!
Halftime
I believe that our, I, U.S. Americans like such as IT’S THE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward]
Now that the second week of school is over, the deadline to add and drop classes has passed. You know what that means? It means it’s time for the your professors to drop all the pretenses and show their true selves, because, guess what? You’re stuck with them now! Here’s some of what you can expect to see, come Monday.
Forming Robbie George’s imposing countenance, the band plays “She’s not There”
[Form some sort of glaring angry face, play “She’s not There”]
Hey, Columbia. Sure, there was a lot of uproar surrounding Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking on your campus, but who really heard anything about his speech beyond his claims that there are no homosexuals in Iran? Well, as a public service, we thought we’d tell you a few points from his speech that seem to have somehow escaped coverage.
Forming an Infidel-Eating-Donkey, the band plays “I’m a Believer”
[Form roughly ovaloid shape with ears and eyes, play “I’m a Believer”]
Run away band, it’s Kim Jong Il, and he’s looking for a new partner!
September 29th, 2007
Princeton wins 42-32
Pregame
Honoring legendary mime Marcel Marceau, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches out silently, miming Cannon]
Recently, Senator Hillary Clinton proposed that all newborns be given $5000 dollars. We couldn’t help but wonder, what are they going to spend it on? Will it be:
- gold-plated pacifiers
- 4 tons of imported pureed banana mush
- Armani diapers
- Rolls-royce strollers
- More of those delicious lead-paint chips
- A diamond rattle
- A king-size, four-post crib
- A Roth IRA with a reasonable rate of return and flexible withdrawal conditions
In response to Clinton’s proposals, a representative from the American Association of Neo-natal People issued the following statement: *make some babyish burbling noises in the microphone* Forming a lowercase ‘c’ for Clinton’s inept social policy, the band plays ‘Roar Lion, Roar’!
[Band plays “Roar, Lion, Roar”]
And now, Defenestrated Deliberated Degenerative Digital Dodecahedral Dogmatic Dirigible Darwinian Dilapidated Deranged Devious Demonic Despicable Dark Dastardly Delicate Dactylic Dichotomous Double Double ROTATING P!!!!
[Band plays Going Back]
Please rise for the national anthem. [Band plays national anthem]
Run away band, it’s time to give new meaning to the phrase ‘cradle-robbing’!
Halftime
I believe that our, I, U.S. Americans like such as IT’S THE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward]
Now that the second week of school is over, the deadline to add and drop classes has passed. You know what that means? It means it’s time for the your professors to drop all the pretenses and show their true selves, because, guess what? You’re stuck with them now! Here’s some of what you can expect to see, come Monday.
- Your preceptor no longer bothers to bathe
- Your professor tells you that there’s a typo on the syllabus, and where it says ‘optional’, it should say ‘mandatory’
- Your NES class moves on from Mario and Duckhunt to the geopolitical dynamics of oil shocks
- Your intro chem lab is STILL about titration
- Your academic advisor reveals himself to be a cardboard cutout.
- The Whitman dining hall now serves only stale bread and RC cola
- Your professor moves his office hours to 4:30 AM, and his office to the Forrestal Campus
- Your problem sets no longer consist entirely of Connect-the-dots
- Your hot professor pulls off her mask to reveal that she is actually Robbie George
Forming Robbie George’s imposing countenance, the band plays “She’s not There”
[Form some sort of glaring angry face, play “She’s not There”]
Hey, Columbia. Sure, there was a lot of uproar surrounding Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking on your campus, but who really heard anything about his speech beyond his claims that there are no homosexuals in Iran? Well, as a public service, we thought we’d tell you a few points from his speech that seem to have somehow escaped coverage.
- Iranians can turn invisible, but only when foreigners aren’t looking.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il won an Olympic silver medal in Ice Dancing
- Iran invented every single element on the periodic table, except plutonium, which they know nothing about
- Ahmadinejad once strangled a bear – with a shark!
- Ahmadinejad is the real killer that OJ has been searching for
- Those nuclear programs aren’t for military purposes, they’re for having a really awesome 4th of July ...
- The only IED’s Iran has been sending to Iraq have been Infidel Eating Donkeys.
Forming an Infidel-Eating-Donkey, the band plays “I’m a Believer”
[Form roughly ovaloid shape with ears and eyes, play “I’m a Believer”]
Run away band, it’s Kim Jong Il, and he’s looking for a new partner!
