Columbia 2023
September 29, 2023
Columbia at Princeton
Princeton wins 10-7
Pregame:
We pledge our honor that we have not violated the Honor Code during this examination, if you know what we mean, It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
A reading from the book of Rights, Rules and Responsibilities, Article 2 chapter 3 verse 2 “Princeton’s honor system was established by the undergraduates in 1893 and has been in effect without interruption since that time.” Amen. Columbia’s “honor code,” on the other hand, was established in 2022, only after they were caught fraudulently misreporting class sizes to US News and World Report to boost their ranking. It’s the oldest trick in the book, lying about your size. Can’t say we’ve ever had that problem. Band, where does Columbia really belong in the rankings?
[Band forms downward facing arrow and plays The Middle]
Columbia fans, you probably saw that as an up arrow. Delusional as always—heads in the smog clouds. This next formation will be unmistakable (and, might we add, larger?) and ten times as impressive: our Double-Double rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band!
Under the honor system, students have a twofold obligation: individually, they must not violate the code, and as a community, they are responsible to see that suspected violations are reported.
Halftime:
Studious readers and devout followers of Rights Rules and Responsibilities, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
Believe it or not, these shows that you all hear at halftime are not the shows that we write in their original form. They are subject to extremely reasonable and helpful suggestions by our intelligent, attractive tribunal of censors. We would like to thank [REDACTED] for their gracious edits to our show. We sincerely appreciate the input and value their contributions.
The censorship is, in fact, minimal, as I’m sure you’ve deduced already. For example, we are allowed to say… H-E-double hockey sticks, [REDACTED], [REDACTED]... oh, guess they cut those., and, oh, what does this say? “Why would you ever say that to a football stadium?” Huh. So glad we have our gracious cens- I mean, editors- to save us from embarrassment.
In fact, they suggested their ideological blueprint as our first song. We are happy to present it for you now!
Band forms "Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities," and plays Moskau
[Band forms rectangle and plays Moskau]
Band, don’t you LOVE censorship?
[Band nods and cheers enthusiastically, except for NATIONAL TRAITOR (guilty person)]
Wait, you! That’s not the kind of free speech we allow!
[Julia points at guilty person]
GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY.
[Julia “lightly hits” guilty person with the mace and they fall over]
Anyway! Glad that’s all resolved now. [scramble] We are so happy to have that over with. We are happy to be here! We are happy. We are happy. We are happy. We are happy. We are happy.
[Band forms a smiley (☹) face and plays “Happy”]
I’ve said too much. Run away Band!
Columbia at Princeton
Princeton wins 10-7
Pregame:
We pledge our honor that we have not violated the Honor Code during this examination, if you know what we mean, It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
A reading from the book of Rights, Rules and Responsibilities, Article 2 chapter 3 verse 2 “Princeton’s honor system was established by the undergraduates in 1893 and has been in effect without interruption since that time.” Amen. Columbia’s “honor code,” on the other hand, was established in 2022, only after they were caught fraudulently misreporting class sizes to US News and World Report to boost their ranking. It’s the oldest trick in the book, lying about your size. Can’t say we’ve ever had that problem. Band, where does Columbia really belong in the rankings?
[Band forms downward facing arrow and plays The Middle]
Columbia fans, you probably saw that as an up arrow. Delusional as always—heads in the smog clouds. This next formation will be unmistakable (and, might we add, larger?) and ten times as impressive: our Double-Double rotating P!
[Band forms Double Double Rotating P and plays Going Back]
Run away band!
Under the honor system, students have a twofold obligation: individually, they must not violate the code, and as a community, they are responsible to see that suspected violations are reported.
Halftime:
Studious readers and devout followers of Rights Rules and Responsibilities, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton, Forward March]
Believe it or not, these shows that you all hear at halftime are not the shows that we write in their original form. They are subject to extremely reasonable and helpful suggestions by our intelligent, attractive tribunal of censors. We would like to thank [REDACTED] for their gracious edits to our show. We sincerely appreciate the input and value their contributions.
The censorship is, in fact, minimal, as I’m sure you’ve deduced already. For example, we are allowed to say… H-E-double hockey sticks, [REDACTED], [REDACTED]... oh, guess they cut those., and, oh, what does this say? “Why would you ever say that to a football stadium?” Huh. So glad we have our gracious cens- I mean, editors- to save us from embarrassment.
In fact, they suggested their ideological blueprint as our first song. We are happy to present it for you now!
Band forms "Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities," and plays Moskau
[Band forms rectangle and plays Moskau]
Band, don’t you LOVE censorship?
[Band nods and cheers enthusiastically, except for NATIONAL TRAITOR (guilty person)]
Wait, you! That’s not the kind of free speech we allow!
[Julia points at guilty person]
GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY.
[Julia “lightly hits” guilty person with the mace and they fall over]
Anyway! Glad that’s all resolved now. [scramble] We are so happy to have that over with. We are happy to be here! We are happy. We are happy. We are happy. We are happy. We are happy.
[Band forms a smiley (☹) face and plays “Happy”]
I’ve said too much. Run away Band!
