Cornell 1986
Princeton at Cornell
September 20th, 1986
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents the first edition of The Daily Midnight Sun.
“Princeton Forward”
Headline: agriculture student spawns self…Doctor says, “It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Sophomore Seymour Sheep was described as having white bread looks and white bread intelligence, in a word he was a typical Cornell student, though smarter than a bread box. Only our staff psychics predicted that Seymour would come to such a bizarre end. As a frustrated fish major he was unable to (censored: master bait and tackle) master rods and reels, bait and tackle, and fly-tieing. His performance there was less than satisfying, less than pleasing, and less filling. (Band responds “Tastes Great!”) Visiting professor Dr. Old McDonald M.D., PHD. EIEIO, said that before switching to animal husbandry Seymour knew nothing about rearing livestock, but now he knows all about barnyard animals. His roommate and poultry virus lab partner, Biff Tungsten explained that Seymour was inspired to choose animal research out of utter frustration and a late night visit from the ghost of the alien reincarnation of Elvis. Forming 100 impersonators of the ghost of the alien reincarnation of Elvis the Band plays “Love Me Tender.”
“Love Me Tender” (Band forms guitar)
Cornell chef confuses contaminated petri dish for dinner entree — students enjoy change. Expert says, “It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Cornell undergraduates received a rare culinary delight last week after cafeteria cook Betty “Big Red” Crocker was hypnotized and seduced by aliens. After checking out job openings at the Ramada Inn, Laugh Inn, No-Room-at-The-Inn, the Roach Motel, the No-Tel Motel, Econolodge, Dislodge, Datodge, and the Howard Johnson’s Sheraton Regency Hilton Plaza Hyatt-top Cayuga’s waters (get it, Hyatt top), Crocker returned to Ithaca and confused a salmonella-infested specimen for the salmon surprise casserole. Due to the student’s free-flowing output, Crocker plans to add the following courses to this Fall’s already challenging menu at Statler High:
Forming a knife on the field, the Band plays “Mack the Knife.”
“Mack the Knife” (Band forms knife)
Are you overweight, underweight, balding, alien, impotent? Do you have unsightly facial hair, insomnia, body odor, social diseases, anti-social diseases? Is the amazing frog-boy your brother? Do you go to Cornell? If so, you’re the most disgusting thing we’ve ever seen. But don’t fret, your worries will soon be over. Lady Fatima predicts apocalypse…tomorrow! So order your horoscope before midnight tonight. This offer will not be repeated. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery. Forming Porky Pig on the field the Band says, “That’s all folks!”
“Looney Tunes Theme” (Band forms pig)
And now for the most disgusting thing you’ll ever see, the Cornell Band.
September 20th, 1986
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents the first edition of The Daily Midnight Sun.
“Princeton Forward”
Headline: agriculture student spawns self…Doctor says, “It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Sophomore Seymour Sheep was described as having white bread looks and white bread intelligence, in a word he was a typical Cornell student, though smarter than a bread box. Only our staff psychics predicted that Seymour would come to such a bizarre end. As a frustrated fish major he was unable to (censored: master bait and tackle) master rods and reels, bait and tackle, and fly-tieing. His performance there was less than satisfying, less than pleasing, and less filling. (Band responds “Tastes Great!”) Visiting professor Dr. Old McDonald M.D., PHD. EIEIO, said that before switching to animal husbandry Seymour knew nothing about rearing livestock, but now he knows all about barnyard animals. His roommate and poultry virus lab partner, Biff Tungsten explained that Seymour was inspired to choose animal research out of utter frustration and a late night visit from the ghost of the alien reincarnation of Elvis. Forming 100 impersonators of the ghost of the alien reincarnation of Elvis the Band plays “Love Me Tender.”
“Love Me Tender” (Band forms guitar)
Cornell chef confuses contaminated petri dish for dinner entree — students enjoy change. Expert says, “It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Cornell undergraduates received a rare culinary delight last week after cafeteria cook Betty “Big Red” Crocker was hypnotized and seduced by aliens. After checking out job openings at the Ramada Inn, Laugh Inn, No-Room-at-The-Inn, the Roach Motel, the No-Tel Motel, Econolodge, Dislodge, Datodge, and the Howard Johnson’s Sheraton Regency Hilton Plaza Hyatt-top Cayuga’s waters (get it, Hyatt top), Crocker returned to Ithaca and confused a salmonella-infested specimen for the salmon surprise casserole. Due to the student’s free-flowing output, Crocker plans to add the following courses to this Fall’s already challenging menu at Statler High:
- Baking with bacteria 101,
- Meat lab 269, here’s the beef,
- Pig intestines 300, the ultimate gut,
- A new athletic requirement, the bellhop, skip, and jump. and finally,
- the Dr. Seuss celebrity diet: green eggs and ham, lox in a box, spam I am, and Velveeta pita.
Forming a knife on the field, the Band plays “Mack the Knife.”
“Mack the Knife” (Band forms knife)
Are you overweight, underweight, balding, alien, impotent? Do you have unsightly facial hair, insomnia, body odor, social diseases, anti-social diseases? Is the amazing frog-boy your brother? Do you go to Cornell? If so, you’re the most disgusting thing we’ve ever seen. But don’t fret, your worries will soon be over. Lady Fatima predicts apocalypse…tomorrow! So order your horoscope before midnight tonight. This offer will not be repeated. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery. Forming Porky Pig on the field the Band says, “That’s all folks!”
“Looney Tunes Theme” (Band forms pig)
And now for the most disgusting thing you’ll ever see, the Cornell Band.
