Cornell 1989
Princeton vs. Cornell
November 18th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
Neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night shall keep these messengers of music, marching, mirth, and merriment from their appointed rounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band!
(“Princeton Forward”)
When the Band returned to campus in the Fall, we were delighted to discover a backlog of summer mail. We waded quickly through the bills, subpoenas, and paternity suits, and arrived at the Band’s favorite form of correspondence: junk mail. Here’s a letter with no return address:
Dear Idiots, For people who are supposed to be funny, you are the most pathetically immature, vulgar, unfunny group on campus....
Oh, wait a minute. This is addressed to Tiger Magazine. Here is another letter, which was sent through campus mail…in 1975. Forming a mailbox on the field, the Band salutes the campus mail system: when it absolutely, positively has to be there…eventually. (Band forms a mailbox and plays “Mission Impossible” during which the mailbox flag goes up) Oh, look! We’ve received another recruitment letter from the Navy:
Dear High School Senior, How would you like to learn a valuable trade? Meet new friends? Get a free uniform, and earn almost 200 dollars a month? And all while spending ten action-filled days and twelve sleepless nights in the scenic Persian Gulf. In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas In the Navy, you can put your mind at ease In the Navy, come on now people, take a stand In the Navy, can't you see we need a hand
Jobs are hard to find, so we imagine ourselves in a submarine, miles beneath Lake Carnegie. As we hunch over the radar console, shown here, searching in vain for the Cornell band, the Navy theme song begins coursing through our veins, and we contemplate our future as sea men and women.
(Band forms a radar sweep and plays “Anchors Aweigh”)
What’s this–another sweepstakes?
Dear Mr. and Mrs. PRINCETON U. BAND, YOU may already have won ten million orange and black plaid jackets. Yes, that's right. Skeptical? Just listen to this from Mr. Al Frente of Wahpeton Falls, North Dakota: "Our children used to wear rags, then we heard about your sweepstakes. We didn't think anybody every really won those plaid jackets. (Band shouts: That's what we used to think!) Now our kids can drop out of High School in style." WHAT A TESTIMONIAL! Enter as often as you like; no purchase necessary. Signed, Ed McMuffin
Excited, the Band rushes to enter, with giddy dreams of “Pennies from Heaven.”
(Band forms a cent sign and plays “Pennies from Heaven”)
Here is another piece of the Band’s junk mail:
Dear Reader, Do not throw this letter away; it has already been around the world six times. A college president in Michigan made ten copies and mailed them off; two years later he became president of an East Coast Ivy League University. A man in Wahpeton Falls, North Dakota sent off ten copies and the next week he won a sweepstakes. The Cornell band broke the chain, and on the way here this morning they were run over by a train. Five times. So keep the chain going, or risk having your saxophone section defect to ThePrincetonSentinel.
Speaking of chain letters, the Band harkens back to the days of Camelot: a time when chain mail, shown here, was a good thing.
(Band forms chain mail and plays “Riding Music” from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Now, what have we here?
Dear Occupant, Do you hanker for the buying power you so richly deserve? (Band yells:"YES!") Are you having trouble getting buying credit? We at the Princeton University Store are your friends. Absolutely no one will be turned down for credit. All you need is a good honest face, a signature, and two working parents. And, dear occupant, as our valued customer, we offer you the U-Store's most prestigious service--the PlaidCard--shown here. (Band forms a plaid card.) With this card you can buy absolutely anything, even that 50,000 dollar kiosk you've had your eye on. And with Buyer's Assurance, all textbooks can be resold to the U-Store at the end of the semester, for a full 4% of their original value. So call the U-Store and order today. Just dial 1-800-M-O-N-O-P-L-Y, and remember, when your parents are paying, you can kiss those "easy street blues" goodbye.
(Band forms Plaid Card and plays “Basin Street Blues”)
And now that the Band has received a few letters, it’s time that we mailed a few thank-you notes of our own: To Chris Van Selous: thanks for keeping an eye on us, and tying up our loose ends. And to Murt, Tom, and Bob, for occasionally washing our mouths out with soap. Thanks also to Jim Mohr and company, for stuffing our faces. And a special note of thanks to Jack Hontz for whipping us into a musical frenzy, and to Kristen’s mom for whipping us up those cookies. But our biggest thank you goes to you, our loyal fans, for laughing at our jokes, whether you got them or not. Forsaking for the moment our repertoire, our usual frivolity, and our personal safety, the Princeton Band now plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” by John Philip Sousa.
(Band scripts into a ‘PU’ and plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever”)
And now, on behalf of soon-to-be President Emeritus Ben “Muscles T” Berger, Student Conductor Felix “Wo wo wo” Goodson, and Drum Major Andy “White Castle Underwear” Stein, this is your announcer Brian “Mommie Dearest” Schoner reminding you that tuna is the worst mixer.
November 18th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
Neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night shall keep these messengers of music, marching, mirth, and merriment from their appointed rounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band!
(“Princeton Forward”)
When the Band returned to campus in the Fall, we were delighted to discover a backlog of summer mail. We waded quickly through the bills, subpoenas, and paternity suits, and arrived at the Band’s favorite form of correspondence: junk mail. Here’s a letter with no return address:
Dear Idiots, For people who are supposed to be funny, you are the most pathetically immature, vulgar, unfunny group on campus....
Oh, wait a minute. This is addressed to Tiger Magazine. Here is another letter, which was sent through campus mail…in 1975. Forming a mailbox on the field, the Band salutes the campus mail system: when it absolutely, positively has to be there…eventually. (Band forms a mailbox and plays “Mission Impossible” during which the mailbox flag goes up) Oh, look! We’ve received another recruitment letter from the Navy:
Dear High School Senior, How would you like to learn a valuable trade? Meet new friends? Get a free uniform, and earn almost 200 dollars a month? And all while spending ten action-filled days and twelve sleepless nights in the scenic Persian Gulf. In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas In the Navy, you can put your mind at ease In the Navy, come on now people, take a stand In the Navy, can't you see we need a hand
Jobs are hard to find, so we imagine ourselves in a submarine, miles beneath Lake Carnegie. As we hunch over the radar console, shown here, searching in vain for the Cornell band, the Navy theme song begins coursing through our veins, and we contemplate our future as sea men and women.
(Band forms a radar sweep and plays “Anchors Aweigh”)
What’s this–another sweepstakes?
Dear Mr. and Mrs. PRINCETON U. BAND, YOU may already have won ten million orange and black plaid jackets. Yes, that's right. Skeptical? Just listen to this from Mr. Al Frente of Wahpeton Falls, North Dakota: "Our children used to wear rags, then we heard about your sweepstakes. We didn't think anybody every really won those plaid jackets. (Band shouts: That's what we used to think!) Now our kids can drop out of High School in style." WHAT A TESTIMONIAL! Enter as often as you like; no purchase necessary. Signed, Ed McMuffin
Excited, the Band rushes to enter, with giddy dreams of “Pennies from Heaven.”
(Band forms a cent sign and plays “Pennies from Heaven”)
Here is another piece of the Band’s junk mail:
Dear Reader, Do not throw this letter away; it has already been around the world six times. A college president in Michigan made ten copies and mailed them off; two years later he became president of an East Coast Ivy League University. A man in Wahpeton Falls, North Dakota sent off ten copies and the next week he won a sweepstakes. The Cornell band broke the chain, and on the way here this morning they were run over by a train. Five times. So keep the chain going, or risk having your saxophone section defect to ThePrincetonSentinel.
Speaking of chain letters, the Band harkens back to the days of Camelot: a time when chain mail, shown here, was a good thing.
(Band forms chain mail and plays “Riding Music” from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Now, what have we here?
Dear Occupant, Do you hanker for the buying power you so richly deserve? (Band yells:"YES!") Are you having trouble getting buying credit? We at the Princeton University Store are your friends. Absolutely no one will be turned down for credit. All you need is a good honest face, a signature, and two working parents. And, dear occupant, as our valued customer, we offer you the U-Store's most prestigious service--the PlaidCard--shown here. (Band forms a plaid card.) With this card you can buy absolutely anything, even that 50,000 dollar kiosk you've had your eye on. And with Buyer's Assurance, all textbooks can be resold to the U-Store at the end of the semester, for a full 4% of their original value. So call the U-Store and order today. Just dial 1-800-M-O-N-O-P-L-Y, and remember, when your parents are paying, you can kiss those "easy street blues" goodbye.
(Band forms Plaid Card and plays “Basin Street Blues”)
And now that the Band has received a few letters, it’s time that we mailed a few thank-you notes of our own: To Chris Van Selous: thanks for keeping an eye on us, and tying up our loose ends. And to Murt, Tom, and Bob, for occasionally washing our mouths out with soap. Thanks also to Jim Mohr and company, for stuffing our faces. And a special note of thanks to Jack Hontz for whipping us into a musical frenzy, and to Kristen’s mom for whipping us up those cookies. But our biggest thank you goes to you, our loyal fans, for laughing at our jokes, whether you got them or not. Forsaking for the moment our repertoire, our usual frivolity, and our personal safety, the Princeton Band now plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” by John Philip Sousa.
(Band scripts into a ‘PU’ and plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever”)
And now, on behalf of soon-to-be President Emeritus Ben “Muscles T” Berger, Student Conductor Felix “Wo wo wo” Goodson, and Drum Major Andy “White Castle Underwear” Stein, this is your announcer Brian “Mommie Dearest” Schoner reminding you that tuna is the worst mixer.
