Cornell 1991
Princeton vs. Cornell
September 21st, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, the only non-fascist band in the Ivy League, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
To those who have never been exposed to the Cornell band before, remember, it’s not the size of your tuba section, but how creatively you use it. Forming an inconspicuous ‘c’, so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Pennsylvania police, the Band demonstrates its profound respect for Cornell.
A solo tuba plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
The Band would now like to congradulate the administration for its successful theft of the clapper. But fear not, class of ‘95, there’s still the ceremonial mace, Hal’s dog, or all the ivy off of Nassau Hall. And now presenting:
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
“The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at silly happenings around the campus and the world.
“Princeton Forward”
(Trumpets play NBC News theme) This just in: President Hal Shapiro disappeared from his office early this afternoon, immediately before the scheduled signing of the controversial Keg Treaty. Nassau Hall reports that Shapiro was feeling ill due to the stress of making too many decisions without thinking them through. He is taking a “long vacation” to recover. Former alcohol czar Carl Wartenburg has proclaimed a state of emergency, and has formed The Committee to Re-Erect Princeton Social Life. The committee includes such hardliners as: Dean of Admissions Alexi Santana, Student Affairs Coordinator Brooke Shields, Chairman of the Honor Committee Teddy Kennedy, DFS Manager Jeffrey Dahmer, and Share Director Pee Wee Herman. Forming a resurrected keg on the field, the Band plays the theme song of Hal’s new vacation home.
“Jailhouse Rock” (Band forms a keg)
In a related story, it’s September, and the Dial Elm Cannon Club is insolvent…as usual. In keeping with its tradition of aggressive expansion, DEC has taken over the oh-so-solvent Soviet Union. After all, kegs are still legal there. The resulting organization, the DEC-CCCP, has chosen as their motto “Party Hardy, Comrade.” Unfortunately, after only a few short months, the DEC-CCCP has had to close its doors due to an image problem and increasingly sticky floors in the Kremlin. Forming, on the left, the scum on the Kremlin floor, and on the the right, Gorbachev’s birthmark, the Band plays the new DEC-CCCP anthem.
“Miller Time” (Band forms two blobs)
Turning now to some local news…People all over America are celebrating the failure of the Soviet coup. Except of course, in Winchita Kansas, where demonstrators protested because the coup was aborted. But the fact still remains that the Big Red Menace just isn’t as big, or as red, or as menacing as it used to be — just like Cornell. In fact, only one Big Red threat remains that could hurt the free people of the world, by wiping out the intellectual growth of our youth. No, it’s not Cornell’s School of Hotel Management. It’s the last Soviet strike in the cold war: TETRIS.
“Wipeout” (Band forms a Tetris board with pieces falling in)
With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the game “Capture the Flag” has taken on a whole new meaning. Soviet children now say “You sank my republic — pretty sneaky, sis!” Other pastimes include “Pin the birthmark on the Soviet leader,” “Go Fission,” “Bobbing for Warheads,” and “Button, Button, who’s got the button?” The Band now demonstrates the latest Soviet children’s game, shown here actual size. (Band forms four blobs, each with a label for a different Soviet Republic: “Estonia,” “Ithaca” “Fahrvergnügen,” and “Oshkosh Bgosh.”) Duck, Duck, DUCK!!! BOOM! (Drum major runs to blob each in turn, last blob explodes.)
“Another One Bites the Dust”
September 21st, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, the only non-fascist band in the Ivy League, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
To those who have never been exposed to the Cornell band before, remember, it’s not the size of your tuba section, but how creatively you use it. Forming an inconspicuous ‘c’, so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Pennsylvania police, the Band demonstrates its profound respect for Cornell.
A solo tuba plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
The Band would now like to congradulate the administration for its successful theft of the clapper. But fear not, class of ‘95, there’s still the ceremonial mace, Hal’s dog, or all the ivy off of Nassau Hall. And now presenting:
- The world famous,
- Fresh-smelling,
- Law-abiding,
- We bought these Cornell jackets, really,
- Musically unsound,
- We have better things to do than learn precision marching,
- (50% cotton on both ends),
- We invited Mussolini to be in our show, but he’s just not feeling himself today,
- Double-Double Rotating P!
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
“The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at silly happenings around the campus and the world.
“Princeton Forward”
(Trumpets play NBC News theme) This just in: President Hal Shapiro disappeared from his office early this afternoon, immediately before the scheduled signing of the controversial Keg Treaty. Nassau Hall reports that Shapiro was feeling ill due to the stress of making too many decisions without thinking them through. He is taking a “long vacation” to recover. Former alcohol czar Carl Wartenburg has proclaimed a state of emergency, and has formed The Committee to Re-Erect Princeton Social Life. The committee includes such hardliners as: Dean of Admissions Alexi Santana, Student Affairs Coordinator Brooke Shields, Chairman of the Honor Committee Teddy Kennedy, DFS Manager Jeffrey Dahmer, and Share Director Pee Wee Herman. Forming a resurrected keg on the field, the Band plays the theme song of Hal’s new vacation home.
“Jailhouse Rock” (Band forms a keg)
In a related story, it’s September, and the Dial Elm Cannon Club is insolvent…as usual. In keeping with its tradition of aggressive expansion, DEC has taken over the oh-so-solvent Soviet Union. After all, kegs are still legal there. The resulting organization, the DEC-CCCP, has chosen as their motto “Party Hardy, Comrade.” Unfortunately, after only a few short months, the DEC-CCCP has had to close its doors due to an image problem and increasingly sticky floors in the Kremlin. Forming, on the left, the scum on the Kremlin floor, and on the the right, Gorbachev’s birthmark, the Band plays the new DEC-CCCP anthem.
“Miller Time” (Band forms two blobs)
Turning now to some local news…People all over America are celebrating the failure of the Soviet coup. Except of course, in Winchita Kansas, where demonstrators protested because the coup was aborted. But the fact still remains that the Big Red Menace just isn’t as big, or as red, or as menacing as it used to be — just like Cornell. In fact, only one Big Red threat remains that could hurt the free people of the world, by wiping out the intellectual growth of our youth. No, it’s not Cornell’s School of Hotel Management. It’s the last Soviet strike in the cold war: TETRIS.
“Wipeout” (Band forms a Tetris board with pieces falling in)
With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the game “Capture the Flag” has taken on a whole new meaning. Soviet children now say “You sank my republic — pretty sneaky, sis!” Other pastimes include “Pin the birthmark on the Soviet leader,” “Go Fission,” “Bobbing for Warheads,” and “Button, Button, who’s got the button?” The Band now demonstrates the latest Soviet children’s game, shown here actual size. (Band forms four blobs, each with a label for a different Soviet Republic: “Estonia,” “Ithaca” “Fahrvergnügen,” and “Oshkosh Bgosh.”) Duck, Duck, DUCK!!! BOOM! (Drum major runs to blob each in turn, last blob explodes.)
“Another One Bites the Dust”
