Cornell 1992
Princeton at Cornell
September 19th, 1992
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Frothing onto the field like deranged rabid squirrels, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
It’s not every Ivy League university that is proud to feature a school of hotel management. Following the stunning success of that program, Cornell has decided to expand its academic offerings to include the following:
Properly grading these fine institutions, the Band pays Cornell the respect it deserves.
Tubas play “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
And speaking of things that deserve a lot of resepect, take the economy. (“Please. No, really!’) Saluting a national economy that’s as in the red as Cornell, it’s the
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
Now the ultimate depression: the Cornell Band.
Halftime
And now, the Princeton University Band takes an inquisitive look at family values in the nineties.
“Princeton Forward”
The nineties have seen the decline of a great many things: we’ve seen everything from the declining value of the dollar, to Ross Perot declining his presidential bid and a declining faith in the government, to declining land values in Miami. But according to this year’s presidential candidates, the most important thing in decline is family values. A prime example of America’s new-found poverty of family values is the recent scandal involving movie icon Woody Allen and his long-time companion, Mia Farrow. Their tragic love polygon–that’s a many-sided figure for you Cornell students–involving their children, their lawyer, the cook, the thief, his wife, her lover, and Professor Plum in the conservatory with the candlestick, has made all the papers. Under this wave of new publicity, the Band thinks that some of Woody’s movies should be released under new titles in order to cash in on the scandal. Here are a few of our suggestions: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Woody Allen’s Sex Life but Were Afraid to Ask,” “Take the Children and Run,” “Crimes and Misdemeanors,” “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy that the Whole Family Will Enjoy,” and finally, “Bananas,” because this whole is driving us bananas.
“Thank Heaven for Little Girls” (Band forms a banana)
With all this talk about family values, the Band was wondering what they really are. Is it a family value when children under 13 fly free? Are Donald and Ivanna Trump America’s most valuable family? Is looting with your children quality time? Can you find family values at a True Value hardware store, or does K-Mart have a blue light special on them? Well, we know what every Republican really thinks a family value is: a tax deduction on every child. Forming:
a) your mother
b) apple pie
c) 2.5 children
d) a pre-nuptial agreement
e)
f) the Cornell Band
the Band salutes family values.
“Love and Marriage” (Band forms pre-nuptial agreement)
Family values aren’t just an American election issue, though. Just take a look at how they play the game in England. With Fergie and Di’s impending Royal flush, the deck is stacked against Charles and Andrew for anything except an intense hand of solitaire. With Fergie leaning towards her Texas oilman, and Charles left riding his polo horse, the Band thinks that maybe the French had the right idea in the solution to their royal problems.
“La Marseillaise” (Band forms guillotine)
Speaking of royal pains in the neck, here’s the Cornell band.
September 19th, 1992
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Frothing onto the field like deranged rabid squirrels, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
It’s not every Ivy League university that is proud to feature a school of hotel management. Following the stunning success of that program, Cornell has decided to expand its academic offerings to include the following:
- The Cornell School of Motel Management (tuition by the hour - wink wink)
- The Cornell School of Escort Management (Big Red Cadillac not included)
- The Cornell School of Condom inium Management
- The Cornell School of Sanitation Management, and
- The Cornell School of Fast Food Management
Properly grading these fine institutions, the Band pays Cornell the respect it deserves.
Tubas play “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
And speaking of things that deserve a lot of resepect, take the economy. (“Please. No, really!’) Saluting a national economy that’s as in the red as Cornell, it’s the
- Going for broke,
- On the verge of a recovery,
- Watching the dollar plummet into a fiscal gorge,
- 1000 points of light doesn’t put food on the table,
- Stove Top Stuffing instead of dinner,
- The mother of all recessions,
- For those of you who don’t see the economy through big red colored glasses,
- With all the precision of an economic forecast,
- Pink slips make lovely stocking stuffers,
- Other bands only practice microeconomics; we’re MACROeconomics,
- Taking the economic plunge,
- Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
Now the ultimate depression: the Cornell Band.
Halftime
And now, the Princeton University Band takes an inquisitive look at family values in the nineties.
“Princeton Forward”
The nineties have seen the decline of a great many things: we’ve seen everything from the declining value of the dollar, to Ross Perot declining his presidential bid and a declining faith in the government, to declining land values in Miami. But according to this year’s presidential candidates, the most important thing in decline is family values. A prime example of America’s new-found poverty of family values is the recent scandal involving movie icon Woody Allen and his long-time companion, Mia Farrow. Their tragic love polygon–that’s a many-sided figure for you Cornell students–involving their children, their lawyer, the cook, the thief, his wife, her lover, and Professor Plum in the conservatory with the candlestick, has made all the papers. Under this wave of new publicity, the Band thinks that some of Woody’s movies should be released under new titles in order to cash in on the scandal. Here are a few of our suggestions: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Woody Allen’s Sex Life but Were Afraid to Ask,” “Take the Children and Run,” “Crimes and Misdemeanors,” “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy that the Whole Family Will Enjoy,” and finally, “Bananas,” because this whole is driving us bananas.
“Thank Heaven for Little Girls” (Band forms a banana)
With all this talk about family values, the Band was wondering what they really are. Is it a family value when children under 13 fly free? Are Donald and Ivanna Trump America’s most valuable family? Is looting with your children quality time? Can you find family values at a True Value hardware store, or does K-Mart have a blue light special on them? Well, we know what every Republican really thinks a family value is: a tax deduction on every child. Forming:
a) your mother
b) apple pie
c) 2.5 children
d) a pre-nuptial agreement
e)
f) the Cornell Band
the Band salutes family values.
“Love and Marriage” (Band forms pre-nuptial agreement)
Family values aren’t just an American election issue, though. Just take a look at how they play the game in England. With Fergie and Di’s impending Royal flush, the deck is stacked against Charles and Andrew for anything except an intense hand of solitaire. With Fergie leaning towards her Texas oilman, and Charles left riding his polo horse, the Band thinks that maybe the French had the right idea in the solution to their royal problems.
“La Marseillaise” (Band forms guillotine)
Speaking of royal pains in the neck, here’s the Cornell band.
