Cornell 1993
Princeton vs. Cornell
September 18th, 1993
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, opening our 75th season of music, marching, mirth, and merriment, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Hey Mr. and Mrs. Dobson, aren’t you glad you didn’t send Wolff to Cornell? He could have attended the School of Hotel Management and learned to say things like “Your bag, sir.” Sure he is big and red, but a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Speaking of terrible things, take Cornel. (“Please. No, really!”) The Band would like to welcome our esteemed colleagues from Cornell Community College with a foot-stomping, heart-warming, liver-wrenching rendition of “Far Below Cayuga’s Waters.”
Tubas play “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
And now, from second-rate schools to second-rate game shows, it’s the
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
This score just in from the West Bank: Israelis 7, Palestinians 7.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, flowing onto the field like the swollen Mississippi, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward”
We interrupt this program to bring you the latest update from the Mars Observer. (long pause) But seriously, having failed to locate the Mars Observer after posting its face on America’s Most Wanted, NASA has started taking out personal ads in The Star, The Sun, The Weekly World News, and whatever the name of the Cornell paper is. The Princeton University Band has obtained an advance copy of the ad, and it reads something like this: N.A.S.A. seeks S.O.S (single orbiting satellite) for long-term commitment. Must have good communication skills and enjoy travelling. Hubble Telescope need not apply. Forming a radar dish, the Band suggests that NASA get help from a space agency with a little more experience.
“Star Trek: The Next Generation” (Band forms a radar dish)
In other news from the Summer, the government announced a new policy towards gays in the armed services. Following the military’s lead, the Princeton University Dining Service has announced a similar policy regarding their entrees: “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” The University will no longer discriminate on the basis of digestive orientation. For example, when recruiting new food, Food Services promises not to inquire about the substance’s race, creed, color, or whether it used to go “Moo” or “Meow.” Saluting foods that are “differently digestable,” the Band forms a bone and asks the musical question… “How Much is that Doggie in the Window?”
(Band forms a bone)
(Band scrambles into concert shell; trash with letters spell acronyms below) This past Summer, the Department of Food Services, DFS, decided to improve its image by renaming itself “Princeton University Dining Services”–or PUDS. Way to go. In a similar vein, the Housing Office considered calling itself “Housing Our Students Equally.” (HOSE) The Department of Public Safety renamed itself “Fire Inspections Never End.” (FINE) The Campus Mail system will be renamed “Student Letter Office Workers” (SLOW)…as soon as last week’s memo announcing this is delivered…next year. McCosh Health Center has opened a new pharmacy department named “Students Try Drugs,” (STD) and the Admissions Office is now the “Special Office for the Rapid Rejection of You.” (SORRY) And now, saluting our favorite acronym, the Band plays P.U.B.
“Princeton University Band” (Band is in concert shell)
This just in from the Dean of Student Life: “Hello. My name is Janina Montero. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” This score just in from Mars: Martians 28, NASA nothing.
September 18th, 1993
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, opening our 75th season of music, marching, mirth, and merriment, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Hey Mr. and Mrs. Dobson, aren’t you glad you didn’t send Wolff to Cornell? He could have attended the School of Hotel Management and learned to say things like “Your bag, sir.” Sure he is big and red, but a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Speaking of terrible things, take Cornel. (“Please. No, really!”) The Band would like to welcome our esteemed colleagues from Cornell Community College with a foot-stomping, heart-warming, liver-wrenching rendition of “Far Below Cayuga’s Waters.”
Tubas play “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters” (Band forms a small ‘c’)
And now, from second-rate schools to second-rate game shows, it’s the
- I’d like to buy a vowel,
- No whammies!
- Come on Down!
- Good answer! Good answer!
- I’d like to solve the puzzle,
- Survey says,
- Joker, joker, joker,
- The password is “menendez,”
- I’ll take “Patricide” for $14 million, Alex.
- And behind Door #2, it’s the
- Double-Double Rotating P!
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
This score just in from the West Bank: Israelis 7, Palestinians 7.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, flowing onto the field like the swollen Mississippi, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward”
We interrupt this program to bring you the latest update from the Mars Observer. (long pause) But seriously, having failed to locate the Mars Observer after posting its face on America’s Most Wanted, NASA has started taking out personal ads in The Star, The Sun, The Weekly World News, and whatever the name of the Cornell paper is. The Princeton University Band has obtained an advance copy of the ad, and it reads something like this: N.A.S.A. seeks S.O.S (single orbiting satellite) for long-term commitment. Must have good communication skills and enjoy travelling. Hubble Telescope need not apply. Forming a radar dish, the Band suggests that NASA get help from a space agency with a little more experience.
“Star Trek: The Next Generation” (Band forms a radar dish)
In other news from the Summer, the government announced a new policy towards gays in the armed services. Following the military’s lead, the Princeton University Dining Service has announced a similar policy regarding their entrees: “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” The University will no longer discriminate on the basis of digestive orientation. For example, when recruiting new food, Food Services promises not to inquire about the substance’s race, creed, color, or whether it used to go “Moo” or “Meow.” Saluting foods that are “differently digestable,” the Band forms a bone and asks the musical question… “How Much is that Doggie in the Window?”
(Band forms a bone)
(Band scrambles into concert shell; trash with letters spell acronyms below) This past Summer, the Department of Food Services, DFS, decided to improve its image by renaming itself “Princeton University Dining Services”–or PUDS. Way to go. In a similar vein, the Housing Office considered calling itself “Housing Our Students Equally.” (HOSE) The Department of Public Safety renamed itself “Fire Inspections Never End.” (FINE) The Campus Mail system will be renamed “Student Letter Office Workers” (SLOW)…as soon as last week’s memo announcing this is delivered…next year. McCosh Health Center has opened a new pharmacy department named “Students Try Drugs,” (STD) and the Admissions Office is now the “Special Office for the Rapid Rejection of You.” (SORRY) And now, saluting our favorite acronym, the Band plays P.U.B.
“Princeton University Band” (Band is in concert shell)
This just in from the Dean of Student Life: “Hello. My name is Janina Montero. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” This score just in from Mars: Martians 28, NASA nothing.
