Cornell 2000
Princeton at Cornell
October 28th, 2000
Princeton loses 24-25
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, dropping onto the field like Rick Lazio’s chances of getting into the U.S. Senate, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Last week at Cornell, a student was robbed while crossing a bridge. Because of this unfortunate incident, and because of today’s visit from First Lady Hilary Clinton, the University has decided to take the following precautions to increase security:
Forming a little ‘c,’ for Clinton, the Band urges you to re-elect Socks.
(Band forms a small ‘c’ and plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters)
And now, protected by:
It’s the double-double-rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Look out, Band! It’s Ben Affleck, and he wants to get you in a very uncomfortable place!
Halftime
And now, it’s the sexiest band in the Ivy League, the Princeton University Fall Break Band!
“Princeton Forward”
The World Series is over, and this year it was located entirely within New York City. In case there’s ever another Subway Series, here are some ways you can tell it’s truly a New York baseball game:
Forming the best part of the World Series — Derek Jeeter’s tight, sexy buns — the Band says, “Buy me some peanuts and crack.”
(Band forms Derek Jeeter’s buns and plays “We’re an American Band”)
After you take your kids out to the ballgame, you can take them trick-or-treating. But if you come to a strange house, watch for these signs that maybe you shouldn’t trick-or-treat there:
Forming a wrapped piece of candy, the Band reminds you: Never, ever trick-or-treat at a house where the door is answered by a man in fishnet stockings and a teddy.
(Band forms a wrapped piece of candy and plays “The Time Warp”)
Aaaaaand now, the only wanna-be Big Ten band in the Ivy League, the Cornell University Big Red Marching Commie Hell-Spawn!
October 28th, 2000
Princeton loses 24-25
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, dropping onto the field like Rick Lazio’s chances of getting into the U.S. Senate, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Last week at Cornell, a student was robbed while crossing a bridge. Because of this unfortunate incident, and because of today’s visit from First Lady Hilary Clinton, the University has decided to take the following precautions to increase security:
- They armor-plated the Hot Truck.
- They forced all cows at the Ag College to pass through a metal detector.
- They turned the Big Red Barn into the Big Red Paramilitary Compound.
- They strip-searched all nematodes in the Nematode Lab.
- In order to slow down the metabolism of criminals, they lowered today’s temperature by 40 degrees.
- They deported well-known MI-6 superspy John Cleese.
- They installed Secret Service agents at sprint football games,ensuring that there’ll always be an audience of at least two or three.
- They persuaded Cornell hockey fans to use more respectful language, damn it.
- To prevent any more bridge robberies, they detonated all bridges, including Beau, Lloyd, Jeff, and Nash.
- And they installed surveillance cameras in the bathrooms of Balch Hall, at least, someone did.
Forming a little ‘c,’ for Clinton, the Band urges you to re-elect Socks.
(Band forms a small ‘c’ and plays “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters)
And now, protected by:
- electrified fences,
- snipers,
- armor plating,
- Armor-All,
- Teflon,
- ADT,
- ADD,
- DDT,
- the Sloman Shield,
- Life Savers,
- light sabres,
- Saran Wrap,
- bubble wrap,
- Durex Sheik,
- rotating knives,
- Jewish mothers,
- Lieutenant Wharf,
- Blistex,
- Depends,
- Glenda, the Good Witch of the North,
- and the Star Wars Missile Defense System,
It’s the double-double-rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Look out, Band! It’s Ben Affleck, and he wants to get you in a very uncomfortable place!
Halftime
And now, it’s the sexiest band in the Ivy League, the Princeton University Fall Break Band!
“Princeton Forward”
The World Series is over, and this year it was located entirely within New York City. In case there’s ever another Subway Series, here are some ways you can tell it’s truly a New York baseball game:
- Right Field is referred to as the Upper East Side.
- Argue with the ump, get shot in the head.
- If there are two baserunners, they can split a cab.
- The first 500 children get a free MetroCard!
- The Seventh Inning Stretch is replaced with the Seventh Inning Peep Show.
- There are more baseball bats in the stands than on the field.
- Crack dealers charge $4.75! It’s ridiculous!
- The box seats are rent-controlled.
- They fold their bases when they eat them.
- And instead of bases, they use street bums! Fans, catch the excitement as Jeeter slides into third bum!
- Scalpers really take your scalp.
- And instead of “You’re out!” the umpires yell “Forget about it!”
Forming the best part of the World Series — Derek Jeeter’s tight, sexy buns — the Band says, “Buy me some peanuts and crack.”
(Band forms Derek Jeeter’s buns and plays “We’re an American Band”)
After you take your kids out to the ballgame, you can take them trick-or-treating. But if you come to a strange house, watch for these signs that maybe you shouldn’t trick-or-treat there:
- The yard is littered with bloody goat parts.
- As you approach, you notice the house is breathing a bit too heavily.
- The first candy bar is free — after that, it’ll cost you twenty bucks an ounce.
- The house is painted orange and black… plaid.
- The mailbox outside says “bin Laden.”
- Decorations include fake spider webs, plastic skeletons, and a burning cross.
- The car parked in the driveway has window stickers that say “Pat Buchanan for President,” “NRA All the Way,” or “Cornell Alumni Association.”
- While suburban lakefront homes are often safe, that’s not the case if the lake’s on fire.
- Instead of “Please Take One,” signs on the bowls of candy say, “Please Take at Least 375 Milligrams.”
- Sign on the door says “Gone killin’… back in 5 mintues.”
- The house has Greek letters on the front.
- All the jack-o-lanterns have breasts.
- And if your child is female, don’t trick-or-treat at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Forming a wrapped piece of candy, the Band reminds you: Never, ever trick-or-treat at a house where the door is answered by a man in fishnet stockings and a teddy.
(Band forms a wrapped piece of candy and plays “The Time Warp”)
Aaaaaand now, the only wanna-be Big Ten band in the Ivy League, the Cornell University Big Red Marching Commie Hell-Spawn!
