Cornell 2006
Princeton at Cornell
October 28th, 2006
Princeton wins 7-14
Pregame
Note: Cornell Athletics decided that the Princeton University Band would not be allowed to use the PA system at all for this game. We were told this the day before the game, and so we didn’t write a pre-game show.
Halftime
Note: That after getting most of the following show through the censors, the Cornell Athletics department decided to cut it in its entirety, stating that they wouldn’t let us make any derogatory comments about Cornell University, the Cornell Band, or the town of Ithica. The band’s response follows this show.
Giving you a reason to live, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Princeton Forward)
Recently, Cornell sexied up its “Textiles and Apparel” department by renaming it “Fabric Science and Apparel Design.” Wait, what?! With the intelligence of the average Cornell student, the department names should be headed in the opposite direction. For example, “Fabric Science and Apparel Design” should be: “Clothes.” Here are some other simplifications to help you out:
Brought to you by the letters “P,” “U,” and “B,” the Band panders to its audience and plays “The Muppet Show.” (Band forms an amorphous blob resembling a Muppet and plays “The Muppet Show”) Man, we’re so sick of those stupid “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirts. Let’s try to be a little more realistic, like “Ithaca: Pasty, White and Frigid.” Don’t like that slogan? Try these on for size:
Sympathizing with the poor sods who have to live in this town, the Band forms a t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”
(Band forms a t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”)
Run away, Band, only real marching bands allowed.
After the preceeding show was cut in its entirety, the following show was produced. However, it was also not performed, as Cornell Athletics would not let us subject their fans, students, and trustees to our “inane and irrelevant” shows. Further, after cutting this show in its entirety, Cornell Athletics decided that we wouldn’t be allowed to use the PA system at all.
ALTERNATE CORNELL SHOW (ALSO NOT PERFORMED):
Trying not to cause a riot, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Princeton Forward)
The investable assets of Cornell University provide financial support for the University’s educational mission. The University Board of Trustees is responsible for strategic management of all investable funds, and implements policy through the Investment Committee of the Board. The Committee establishes investment objectives, determines asset allocation, appoints investment managers, and monitors the overall investment program and investment results. The Committee meets at least four times per year, and delegates authority for day to day management, supervision and administration of the funds to the Chief Investment Officer. The source and intended use of assets dictate their placement in the Long Term Investment Pool (LTIP) or the Pooled Balances Investment Fund (PBIF). These asset pools are invested identically, but holders of each pool have different entitlement rights. When assets cannot be placed in either pool (due to a conflict in investment objectives or because of legal reasons) they are placed in Separately Invested Funds.
For reasons not wholly apparent here, the Band forms an amorphous blob that it is calling a muppet and plays “The Muppet Show.”
Ukraine is an interesting country, wouldn’t you say so? No? Well, I would, and I am the author, so I’m going to now give you a timeline of Ukrainian history from 1019 through 1240:
Here’s a t-shirt. I have a t-shirt that has Ukrainian on it.
(Band forms t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”)
Run away, Band. Only real marching bands allowed.
October 28th, 2006
Princeton wins 7-14
Pregame
Note: Cornell Athletics decided that the Princeton University Band would not be allowed to use the PA system at all for this game. We were told this the day before the game, and so we didn’t write a pre-game show.
Halftime
Note: That after getting most of the following show through the censors, the Cornell Athletics department decided to cut it in its entirety, stating that they wouldn’t let us make any derogatory comments about Cornell University, the Cornell Band, or the town of Ithica. The band’s response follows this show.
Giving you a reason to live, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Princeton Forward)
Recently, Cornell sexied up its “Textiles and Apparel” department by renaming it “Fabric Science and Apparel Design.” Wait, what?! With the intelligence of the average Cornell student, the department names should be headed in the opposite direction. For example, “Fabric Science and Apparel Design” should be: “Clothes.” Here are some other simplifications to help you out:
- Nutritional Science: Gorging yourself… no, not like that!
- Crop and Soil Sciences: Food and Dirt (not the same thing)
- Chemistry: Maaaagic
- Earth and Environmental Science: The Weather Channel
- Theater, Film, and Dance: Homosexual Studies
- Animal Science: Mooooo
- Romance Studies: I tell you when you’re older
- German Studies: Starting Wars
- Food Science: Lunch
- English: Letters
Brought to you by the letters “P,” “U,” and “B,” the Band panders to its audience and plays “The Muppet Show.” (Band forms an amorphous blob resembling a Muppet and plays “The Muppet Show”) Man, we’re so sick of those stupid “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirts. Let’s try to be a little more realistic, like “Ithaca: Pasty, White and Frigid.” Don’t like that slogan? Try these on for size:
- Cornell: The Boise State of the East
- Ithaca: Your Crack is Showing
- Cornell: Better Luck Next Time
- Ithaca: Always winter and never Christmas
- Cornell: Fully Accredited since 1988
- Ithaca: It’s to Die For
- Cornell: Probably Better than Syphilis, Definitely Better than Penn
- Cornell: Now with one less manic-depressive…. oh wait, make that two less
- I graduated from Cornell and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
- Cornell: Big, Red, and Itchy
- Ithaca: It’s Lonely at the Bottom
Sympathizing with the poor sods who have to live in this town, the Band forms a t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”
(Band forms a t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”)
Run away, Band, only real marching bands allowed.
After the preceeding show was cut in its entirety, the following show was produced. However, it was also not performed, as Cornell Athletics would not let us subject their fans, students, and trustees to our “inane and irrelevant” shows. Further, after cutting this show in its entirety, Cornell Athletics decided that we wouldn’t be allowed to use the PA system at all.
ALTERNATE CORNELL SHOW (ALSO NOT PERFORMED):
Trying not to cause a riot, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Princeton Forward)
The investable assets of Cornell University provide financial support for the University’s educational mission. The University Board of Trustees is responsible for strategic management of all investable funds, and implements policy through the Investment Committee of the Board. The Committee establishes investment objectives, determines asset allocation, appoints investment managers, and monitors the overall investment program and investment results. The Committee meets at least four times per year, and delegates authority for day to day management, supervision and administration of the funds to the Chief Investment Officer. The source and intended use of assets dictate their placement in the Long Term Investment Pool (LTIP) or the Pooled Balances Investment Fund (PBIF). These asset pools are invested identically, but holders of each pool have different entitlement rights. When assets cannot be placed in either pool (due to a conflict in investment objectives or because of legal reasons) they are placed in Separately Invested Funds.
For reasons not wholly apparent here, the Band forms an amorphous blob that it is calling a muppet and plays “The Muppet Show.”
Ukraine is an interesting country, wouldn’t you say so? No? Well, I would, and I am the author, so I’m going to now give you a timeline of Ukrainian history from 1019 through 1240:
- 1019: Yaroslav The Wise – one of Volodymyr’s sons becomes a Prince.
- 1027: Construction of Svyata Sofia (St. Sophia) Cathedral.
- 1054: Death of Prince Yaroslav.
- 1068: Polovtsi army attack Kyiv state for the first time.
- 1098 – 1099: Magyars attack Halychyna.
- 1111: Kyiv Princes conquer Polovtsi.
- 1113: Volodymyr Monomakh – the last of great princes of Kyiv – dies.
- 1155 – 1157: Suzdal (Russian) Prince Yuriy Dovgoruky (founder of Moscow) attacks Kyiv.
- 1155 – 1169: Destruction of Kyiv by Andrey Bogoliubsky, the Vldimir-Suzdal prince
- 1187: The word Ukraine (Ukrayina) first used to describe Kyiv and Halychyna lands.
- 1223: Ukrainians first battle Tatars in a battle near Kalko River: Tatars win.
- 1238: Danylo Halytsky becomes a Prince of Halychyna. Next year he unites Halychyna with Kyiv.
- 1240: Tatars capture Kyiv.
Here’s a t-shirt. I have a t-shirt that has Ukrainian on it.
(Band forms t-shirt and plays “Jump, Jive, and Wail”)
Run away, Band. Only real marching bands allowed.
