Cornell 2007
Cornell at Princeton
October 26th, 2007
Princeton wins 34-31
Pregame
Llllllllet’s get ready to rummmmble! It’s the Princeton University Band! Today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. She may be one of the most powerful women in the world, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t take some time off to celebrate. Here are some of the ways she decided to spend her special day:
Forming a ‘c’ for ‘See Hillary Run’, the Band plays “Send My Regards to Davy”
[Band plays Davy]
And now… Yeti, Permafrost, Penguin, Inuit, Baby seal, Tundra, Reindeer, Frostbite, Caribou, Moose, and squirrel, Glacier, Iceberg, Deranged, Igloo, Polar bear, Aurora borealis, Iditarod, Hillary Clinton, Ithaca, and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Going Back]
Please rise for the national anthem. [National Anthem]
In Soviet Russia, field runs away from Band!
Halftime
Sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band plays Forward]
You may have heard that the Cornell Emergency Medical Service has just unveiled a new Mass Casualty Unit, capable of handling up to 100 patients in the event of a mass disaster. This might seem a tad excessive for a remote location in upstate New York, but we who are of a more creative bent can think of all sorts of situations at Cornell where it will be useful.
Forming a feathery death, the band plays “Birdland”
[Band forms a bird, plays Birdland]
Best-selling author J.K. Rowling recently outed one of her characters, Albus Dumbledore. Naturally, this announcement has sent shock waves through the literary community, prompting all sorts of surprising revelations.
Forming the 9th circle, the band plays “Great Balls of Fire”
[Band forms circle, plays GBoF]
Run away, Band. Everyone hates you. Why don’t you just leave?
October 26th, 2007
Princeton wins 34-31
Pregame
Llllllllet’s get ready to rummmmble! It’s the Princeton University Band! Today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. She may be one of the most powerful women in the world, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t take some time off to celebrate. Here are some of the ways she decided to spend her special day:
- She went and bought new drapes for the oval office
- “Smoked a cigar”
- Took 60 shots then planned her attack on Iran
- Went to Chuck E Cheese
- TP’d Barack Obama’s house
- Streaked across the front lawn of the white house
Forming a ‘c’ for ‘See Hillary Run’, the Band plays “Send My Regards to Davy”
[Band plays Davy]
And now… Yeti, Permafrost, Penguin, Inuit, Baby seal, Tundra, Reindeer, Frostbite, Caribou, Moose, and squirrel, Glacier, Iceberg, Deranged, Igloo, Polar bear, Aurora borealis, Iditarod, Hillary Clinton, Ithaca, and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Going Back]
Please rise for the national anthem. [National Anthem]
In Soviet Russia, field runs away from Band!
Halftime
Sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band plays Forward]
You may have heard that the Cornell Emergency Medical Service has just unveiled a new Mass Casualty Unit, capable of handling up to 100 patients in the event of a mass disaster. This might seem a tad excessive for a remote location in upstate New York, but we who are of a more creative bent can think of all sorts of situations at Cornell where it will be useful.
- Mass bovine stampedes
- Mints on pillows at school of hotel administration turn out to be choking hazards
- Temporary life support system failure in dorms causes mass hypothermia
- Cheese eating cheese monster attacks campus. Initial reports indicate cheesiness. Cheese.
- Big Red turns out to be flesh-eating bacterial rash
- Out-of-tune playing by Big Red Marching band causes avalanche
- 50-dogsled pileup on county road 1136B
- Mislabeling of viagra shipment at campus pharmacy results in dozens of students being engorged
- Zombie apocalypse
- Students at Cornell Ornithology Lab confuse ‘egress’ with ‘egret’ during fire drill and follow signs to a feathery death
Forming a feathery death, the band plays “Birdland”
[Band forms a bird, plays Birdland]
Best-selling author J.K. Rowling recently outed one of her characters, Albus Dumbledore. Naturally, this announcement has sent shock waves through the literary community, prompting all sorts of surprising revelations.
- Dr. Zhivago turns out to have a PhD in Massage Therapy
- The catcher in the rye reveals that he prefers to pitch
- Dracula turns out to have a great farmers’ tan
- Oedipus knew it was his mom all along
- Gulliver admitted that he actually just sat in his living room and ate a bag of shrooms
- Eeyore has been diagnosed as bipolar
- Peter Pan was just a middle-aged guy who liked to wear tights and hang out with boys
- Tiny Tim faked his disability in order to get workman’s comp
- Captain Ahab was really just a Lieutenant Junior Grade
- The little engine that could was using steroids
- The Babysitter’s Club was arrested for gang violence
- Raskolnikov was framed by Sonya
- Dan Brown reveals that you are the last living descendant of Jesus
- Frodo and Sam have announced that they are eloping to Massachusetts
- Dante acknowledges that the lowest circle of hell is really just Ithaca, NY
Forming the 9th circle, the band plays “Great Balls of Fire”
[Band forms circle, plays GBoF]
Run away, Band. Everyone hates you. Why don’t you just leave?
