Cornell 2011
Cornell at Princeton
October 29th, 2011
Princeton loses 7-24
Pregame:
NOTE: Due to adverse weather conditions, we were unable to perform the following pregame show to allow time for snow removal.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, rhyming’s overrated, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Line cut because we thought of a funnier come-on line while eating lunch. even though neither ended up being heard)
I’ve been dreaming of a white Halloween, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
Princeton professor Cornel West has been in the news recently for his arrests during Occupy Wall Street protests, including one outside the Supreme Court. But his troubles with the law have actually distracted from other more surprising legal issues that Princeton professors have recently had.
Forming a C for crime spree, the Band plays “Give My Regards to Davy”.
And now…
(Band forms double-double-rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.
(Band plays “The Star-Spangled Banner”)
Run away band, there’s a robot bear behind you.
(Band runs away)
Halftime:
Joseph: Man, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Dillon: Yeah, I’m just saying, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Joseph: That’s why I said it! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band SCRAMBLES on)
Joseph: Good afternoon everyone. I’m lucky enough to be joined in the press box today by a Cornell student. Okay, let’s get to know you a little bit. What is your major at Cornell?
Dillon: Hotel administration, of course.
Joseph: Wonderful, I’ve been anxious for a couple of mints. So, what exactly is there to do around Cornell?
Dillon: You know, sheep, cows, your basic farm animals, occasionally the exotic llama.
Joseph: (skeptically) Sounds swell. But what about the huge frat scene at Cornell? Are those fun?
Dillon: Actually, after a few days here, I now think Princeton’s frat scene is better.
Joseph: Ah, I assume you’re talking about Princeton’s wonderful eating clubs.
Dillon: No, I’m actually talking about the frats.
Joseph: Interesting. On another subject, have you heard that Ezra Cornell made his fortune with dirty telegraph money?
Dillon: I don’t know what you’re talking about STOP.
Joseph: You know, his telegrams were all “dash, dash, dash”. (Sidenote: dash dash dash is “O” in morse code, so there’s actually a joke even without having the proper inflection. But that joke wasn’t important. The important thing was hearing Joseph orgasm over the loudspeaker. Also having me orgasm in front of Dean Dunne during the censor meeting, and have Nicole nearly leave the room out of embarrassment. And then subsequently hearing Dean Dunne’s and Joe Ramirez’s interpretations of that line. good stuff)
Dillon: Uh, I’ll send a cleaning lady right over, with another box of tissues.
Joseph: Ah, putting those hotelie skills to good use. But otherwise, it sounds like Cornell is pretty awful!
Dillon: No! We have Andy Bernard from the Office.
Joseph: Isn’t he a fictional character?
Dillon: Isn’t your mom a fictional character?
Joseph: No, no she’s not. Do you know what a fictional character is?
Dillon: It just so happens that I have a minor in Fictional Character Studies. There’s a school for that at Cornell.
Joseph: Did you also get a minor in Jerk Studies?
Dillon: No, the program was full! I had to minor in agricultural studies instead.
Joseph: Is that why all your hobbies involve sheep?
Dillon: Well, I never… (gets cut off)
Joseph: We’re done here. Band, form the average Cornell student’s soulmate and play “What is Love”.
(Band forms sheep, plays “What is Love”)
Dillon: Hey, I’m looking for a date to the Orange & Black Ball. Are you coming?
Joseph: Yes, I’m coming, but I’m being very selective about my date.
Dillon: But, but, why?
Joseph: There’s a high probability that I’m going to find my future spouse at this event. (They ACTUALLY SAID THIS on the website for the Orange & Black Ball. They changed it due to immense awkwardness. It was the answer to the “Do I Need A Date?” section. Also, previously, the answer to the “Are the Classifieds in the ‘Need a Date’ Section for Real?” question was yes.)
Dillon: Oh, um, okay.
Joseph: Alright, then I’m gonna go now.
Dillon: Wait! I have something to ask you.
Joseph: Well?
Dillon: Will you go to the ball with me?
Joseph: (after slight pause) Impress me.
Dillon: Well, I have a 3.83 GPA, and perfect teeth!
Joseph: Not good enough! Only 35% of potential dates will be considered.
Dillon: But wait! I wrote you a poem.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s midnight and the heat of you stays with me
Uh, uh, I forgot the rest, but you’re really hot!
Joseph: Still no!
Dillon: But I already bought a really cute dress.
Joseph: How cute is it? I only accept strapless, Italian designer dresses with a sweetheart neckline and detailed beading on the bodice.
Dillon: It’s all of those things, and more.
Joseph: Look, I’m flattered, but I really have to go now.
Dillon: Please! If you don’t go with me, my ball will be blue.
Joseph: Can’t you take a hint?! Band, form what no means!
(Band forms “NO” on field)
Dillon: If you don’t go with me, then nobody can go! I’ll burn down Dillon Gym! Band, form what no actually means, and play “Great Balls of Fire”.
(Band forms “YES”, plays “Great Balls of Fire”) Line cut by censors for being “too date-rapey”. A fair point.
Dillon: If you don’t go with me, then nobody can go! I’ll burn down Dillon Gym! Band, play “Great Balls of Fire”.
(Band stays in “NO” formation, plays “Great Balls of Fire”)
Joseph: Run away Band!
Dillon: You know what else? Run away Band, too!
Joseph: Man, I hate you.
(Band runs away)
October 29th, 2011
Princeton loses 7-24
Pregame:
NOTE: Due to adverse weather conditions, we were unable to perform the following pregame show to allow time for snow removal.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, rhyming’s overrated, it’s the Princeton University Band! (Line cut because we thought of a funnier come-on line while eating lunch. even though neither ended up being heard)
I’ve been dreaming of a white Halloween, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
Princeton professor Cornel West has been in the news recently for his arrests during Occupy Wall Street protests, including one outside the Supreme Court. But his troubles with the law have actually distracted from other more surprising legal issues that Princeton professors have recently had.
- Peter Singer was arrested for hunting without a license.
- Joyce Carol Oates was arrested for plagiarism.
- Paul Krugman was arrested for stimulating packages in public.
- Robert George was arrested for trying to make fetch happen.
- Shirley Tilghman was arrested for wearing THAT pantsuit, with THAT blouse…oh god I hope she’s not here!
- John Nash was arrested, or was he?
Forming a C for crime spree, the Band plays “Give My Regards to Davy”.
And now…
- Wingdings 1
- Comic sans
- Broadway
- Curlz MT
- Wingdings 2
- Agatha’s Massage Parlor
- Joker
- Times New Greek
- Pawprint
- Wider Latin
- Wingdings 3
- French
- Poorer Richard
- Your TA’s handwriting
- CAPS LOCK
- Wingdings 80
(Band forms double-double-rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.
(Band plays “The Star-Spangled Banner”)
Run away band, there’s a robot bear behind you.
(Band runs away)
Halftime:
Joseph: Man, it’s the Princeton University Band.
Dillon: Yeah, I’m just saying, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Joseph: That’s why I said it! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band SCRAMBLES on)
Joseph: Good afternoon everyone. I’m lucky enough to be joined in the press box today by a Cornell student. Okay, let’s get to know you a little bit. What is your major at Cornell?
Dillon: Hotel administration, of course.
Joseph: Wonderful, I’ve been anxious for a couple of mints. So, what exactly is there to do around Cornell?
Dillon: You know, sheep, cows, your basic farm animals, occasionally the exotic llama.
Joseph: (skeptically) Sounds swell. But what about the huge frat scene at Cornell? Are those fun?
Dillon: Actually, after a few days here, I now think Princeton’s frat scene is better.
Joseph: Ah, I assume you’re talking about Princeton’s wonderful eating clubs.
Dillon: No, I’m actually talking about the frats.
Joseph: Interesting. On another subject, have you heard that Ezra Cornell made his fortune with dirty telegraph money?
Dillon: I don’t know what you’re talking about STOP.
Joseph: You know, his telegrams were all “dash, dash, dash”. (Sidenote: dash dash dash is “O” in morse code, so there’s actually a joke even without having the proper inflection. But that joke wasn’t important. The important thing was hearing Joseph orgasm over the loudspeaker. Also having me orgasm in front of Dean Dunne during the censor meeting, and have Nicole nearly leave the room out of embarrassment. And then subsequently hearing Dean Dunne’s and Joe Ramirez’s interpretations of that line. good stuff)
Dillon: Uh, I’ll send a cleaning lady right over, with another box of tissues.
Joseph: Ah, putting those hotelie skills to good use. But otherwise, it sounds like Cornell is pretty awful!
Dillon: No! We have Andy Bernard from the Office.
Joseph: Isn’t he a fictional character?
Dillon: Isn’t your mom a fictional character?
Joseph: No, no she’s not. Do you know what a fictional character is?
Dillon: It just so happens that I have a minor in Fictional Character Studies. There’s a school for that at Cornell.
Joseph: Did you also get a minor in Jerk Studies?
Dillon: No, the program was full! I had to minor in agricultural studies instead.
Joseph: Is that why all your hobbies involve sheep?
Dillon: Well, I never… (gets cut off)
Joseph: We’re done here. Band, form the average Cornell student’s soulmate and play “What is Love”.
(Band forms sheep, plays “What is Love”)
Dillon: Hey, I’m looking for a date to the Orange & Black Ball. Are you coming?
Joseph: Yes, I’m coming, but I’m being very selective about my date.
Dillon: But, but, why?
Joseph: There’s a high probability that I’m going to find my future spouse at this event. (They ACTUALLY SAID THIS on the website for the Orange & Black Ball. They changed it due to immense awkwardness. It was the answer to the “Do I Need A Date?” section. Also, previously, the answer to the “Are the Classifieds in the ‘Need a Date’ Section for Real?” question was yes.)
Dillon: Oh, um, okay.
Joseph: Alright, then I’m gonna go now.
Dillon: Wait! I have something to ask you.
Joseph: Well?
Dillon: Will you go to the ball with me?
Joseph: (after slight pause) Impress me.
Dillon: Well, I have a 3.83 GPA, and perfect teeth!
Joseph: Not good enough! Only 35% of potential dates will be considered.
Dillon: But wait! I wrote you a poem.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s midnight and the heat of you stays with me
Uh, uh, I forgot the rest, but you’re really hot!
Joseph: Still no!
Dillon: But I already bought a really cute dress.
Joseph: How cute is it? I only accept strapless, Italian designer dresses with a sweetheart neckline and detailed beading on the bodice.
Dillon: It’s all of those things, and more.
Joseph: Look, I’m flattered, but I really have to go now.
Dillon: Please! If you don’t go with me, my ball will be blue.
Joseph: Can’t you take a hint?! Band, form what no means!
(Band forms “NO” on field)
Dillon: If you don’t go with me, then nobody can go! I’ll burn down Dillon Gym! Band, form what no actually means, and play “Great Balls of Fire”.
(Band forms “YES”, plays “Great Balls of Fire”) Line cut by censors for being “too date-rapey”. A fair point.
Dillon: If you don’t go with me, then nobody can go! I’ll burn down Dillon Gym! Band, play “Great Balls of Fire”.
(Band stays in “NO” formation, plays “Great Balls of Fire”)
Joseph: Run away Band!
Dillon: You know what else? Run away Band, too!
Joseph: Man, I hate you.
(Band runs away)
