Cornell 2013
Cornell at Princeton
November 2nd, 2013
Princeton wins 53-20
Pregame:
You get a tub of vaseline, and YOU get a tub of vaseline! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Cannon”)
Turn around band, and plagiarize an already plagiarized fight song.
(Band turns to Cornell and plays “Davy”)
We’re so excited that the government is functioning once again! We’d like to list everything that the government has done since regaining funding.
(Band freezes — silence)
Oh yeah, and they released a terrible health care website.
Instead of doing nothing, we wish that they had done something useful, such as ending world hunger. They could have at least made us some sandwiches. We’ve been on break all week without a meal plan.
They could also have celebrated the reopening of the national parks by making a memorial to Jeff Nunokawa’s sleeves.
Or, to show some true Halloween spirit, they could’ve temporarily changed the country’s colors to orange and black, like Princeton did. Forming a P for a more spirited and highly functioning organization, the band plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the National Anthem by the Princeton University Band.
(Band plays the anthem)
We’re sorry band, you’re no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Model. Please pack your bags and get off the field.
Halftime:
Addressing the mystery and urgency of water, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
While researching our opponent, we learned that Cornell has an orchard dedicated to growing the perfect apple. That made us wonder: what’s our perfect apple? We thought we’d try to find it, so we posted an ad on craigslist. It reads:
Sexy band seeking apple. We want
A very kinky apple
The kind you don’t take home to mother
Who will never let your spirits down
Once you get it off the tree . . . ow, yeah
At last, we found our perfect apple, and it wasn’t in Cornell’s orchard. Forming our perfect apple, the band plays “At Last.”
(Band forms an apple and plays “At Last”)
We recently stumbled upon the twitter page of the Cornell Penguin. Here are some of its tweets.
Why am I stranded in the middle of nowhere? #cows everywhere #milk
Understanding the Cornell Penguin’s plight, the band forms a hashtag and plays “The Middle.”
(Band forms a hashtag and plays “The Middle”)
When we learned that Cornell is in Ithaca, we were a bit confused — we knew Cornell was far away, but we didn’t think it was in Greece. But the two Ithacas aren’t actually that different.
I give you: The Odyssey of Cornell
First, Cornell fought a war against Ithaca College. They tried to sneak in by hiding in a Trojan horse with a note that said “From your friendly RCA,” but it broke and Ithaca College’s population doubled.
Some students took a voyage across Lake Cayuga, but were lured to the shore by the sweet song of the Cornell marching band, who promptly devoured them.
Some other students were trapped in a hotel by its blind manager. Fortunately, a herd of cattle ambled through the lobby, and the students could escape by clinging to the cows’ undersides.
In honor of Cornell’s epic odyssey, the band forms the underside of a cow, #udder, and plays “Moos-cow.”
(Band forms an udder and plays Moskau)
As the band forms a 42 in honor of Dick Kazmaier and plays “The Orange and the Black,” please direct your attention to the video board.
(Band forms 42 and plays O & B March)
November 2nd, 2013
Princeton wins 53-20
Pregame:
You get a tub of vaseline, and YOU get a tub of vaseline! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to “Cannon”)
Turn around band, and plagiarize an already plagiarized fight song.
(Band turns to Cornell and plays “Davy”)
We’re so excited that the government is functioning once again! We’d like to list everything that the government has done since regaining funding.
(Band freezes — silence)
Oh yeah, and they released a terrible health care website.
Instead of doing nothing, we wish that they had done something useful, such as ending world hunger. They could have at least made us some sandwiches. We’ve been on break all week without a meal plan.
They could also have celebrated the reopening of the national parks by making a memorial to Jeff Nunokawa’s sleeves.
Or, to show some true Halloween spirit, they could’ve temporarily changed the country’s colors to orange and black, like Princeton did. Forming a P for a more spirited and highly functioning organization, the band plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall.”
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the National Anthem by the Princeton University Band.
(Band plays the anthem)
We’re sorry band, you’re no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Model. Please pack your bags and get off the field.
Halftime:
Addressing the mystery and urgency of water, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on to Forward)
While researching our opponent, we learned that Cornell has an orchard dedicated to growing the perfect apple. That made us wonder: what’s our perfect apple? We thought we’d try to find it, so we posted an ad on craigslist. It reads:
Sexy band seeking apple. We want
A very kinky apple
The kind you don’t take home to mother
Who will never let your spirits down
Once you get it off the tree . . . ow, yeah
At last, we found our perfect apple, and it wasn’t in Cornell’s orchard. Forming our perfect apple, the band plays “At Last.”
(Band forms an apple and plays “At Last”)
We recently stumbled upon the twitter page of the Cornell Penguin. Here are some of its tweets.
- What’s black and white and red all over? #the cornell penguin
- OMG just milked a cow #milk
- got mistaken for a concierge #hotel administration #tux problems
Why am I stranded in the middle of nowhere? #cows everywhere #milk
Understanding the Cornell Penguin’s plight, the band forms a hashtag and plays “The Middle.”
(Band forms a hashtag and plays “The Middle”)
When we learned that Cornell is in Ithaca, we were a bit confused — we knew Cornell was far away, but we didn’t think it was in Greece. But the two Ithacas aren’t actually that different.
I give you: The Odyssey of Cornell
First, Cornell fought a war against Ithaca College. They tried to sneak in by hiding in a Trojan horse with a note that said “From your friendly RCA,” but it broke and Ithaca College’s population doubled.
Some students took a voyage across Lake Cayuga, but were lured to the shore by the sweet song of the Cornell marching band, who promptly devoured them.
Some other students were trapped in a hotel by its blind manager. Fortunately, a herd of cattle ambled through the lobby, and the students could escape by clinging to the cows’ undersides.
In honor of Cornell’s epic odyssey, the band forms the underside of a cow, #udder, and plays “Moos-cow.”
(Band forms an udder and plays Moskau)
As the band forms a 42 in honor of Dick Kazmaier and plays “The Orange and the Black,” please direct your attention to the video board.
(Band forms 42 and plays O & B March)
