Dartmouth 1989
Princeton at Dartmouth
September 16th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps this is a good time to look back and reflect on recent events, for the Summer of 1989 was truly the “Summer of Squandered Money.” Don’t believe us? Please direct your attention to midfield, where we present exhibit A: the Stealth Bomber. (pause) This military marvel is completely invisible to radar, just like the Princeton University Band! (Band runs screaming onto the field, dodging Dartmouth ‘shmen) Actually, the Stealth Bomber is already obsolete. A newer model features a much-needed lumbar support, swaybars, and rich Corinthian leather. All this for the low, low price of 1.8 billion of your tax dollars, or two for 3.4. And for the kiddies, there will be a Stealth Big Wheel and a Stealth Sit’n’Spin – in stores by the holiday season. But the most exciting project is yet to come… Look–up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a sheep! (“A sheep?”) No, it’s the Stealth Blimp!
(Band forms a blimp, with the word ‘SHHHHHH!’ in the middle and plays “Underdog”)
Speaking of hot air, word is that PeteRose has opened a new sports hotline, where he’ll be laying odds on upcoming sporting events. The number to call is 1-900-WHATBET? It’s 50 dollars for the first minute, and kids, be sure to ask your parents to leave the house before you call. Act now, because Pete will be giving away an original, none-other-like-it, one-of-a-kind autographed baseball bat…to the first 500 callers. Forming the odds of Pete Rose ever returning to baseball, the Band plays “Take Me Out of the Ballgame.”
(Band forms a ‘0’ and plays “Take Me Out To the Ballgame”)
Pete got off easy, but in NewYork, it was Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley’s turn to be raked over the IRS coals. The Princeton Band asked Leona why she spent millions in pilfered money on personal leg waxing and she replied: “Only the little people shave their legs.” Well, at least she didn’t waste the money on something stupid, like her income tax. Sorry, Leona; you’ve been found guilty of tax evasion. We’re afraid you’ll have to sell your hotels, mortgage Park Place, and go directly to jail.
(Band forms Jail with ‘Sing Sing’ sign and plays “Jailhouse Rock”)
And now the Princeton Band leaves the plane of the playing field, just like Voyager in its Grand Tour of the planets, and welcomes the spaced-out Dartmouth band.
September 16th, 1989
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps this is a good time to look back and reflect on recent events, for the Summer of 1989 was truly the “Summer of Squandered Money.” Don’t believe us? Please direct your attention to midfield, where we present exhibit A: the Stealth Bomber. (pause) This military marvel is completely invisible to radar, just like the Princeton University Band! (Band runs screaming onto the field, dodging Dartmouth ‘shmen) Actually, the Stealth Bomber is already obsolete. A newer model features a much-needed lumbar support, swaybars, and rich Corinthian leather. All this for the low, low price of 1.8 billion of your tax dollars, or two for 3.4. And for the kiddies, there will be a Stealth Big Wheel and a Stealth Sit’n’Spin – in stores by the holiday season. But the most exciting project is yet to come… Look–up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a sheep! (“A sheep?”) No, it’s the Stealth Blimp!
(Band forms a blimp, with the word ‘SHHHHHH!’ in the middle and plays “Underdog”)
Speaking of hot air, word is that PeteRose has opened a new sports hotline, where he’ll be laying odds on upcoming sporting events. The number to call is 1-900-WHATBET? It’s 50 dollars for the first minute, and kids, be sure to ask your parents to leave the house before you call. Act now, because Pete will be giving away an original, none-other-like-it, one-of-a-kind autographed baseball bat…to the first 500 callers. Forming the odds of Pete Rose ever returning to baseball, the Band plays “Take Me Out of the Ballgame.”
(Band forms a ‘0’ and plays “Take Me Out To the Ballgame”)
Pete got off easy, but in NewYork, it was Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley’s turn to be raked over the IRS coals. The Princeton Band asked Leona why she spent millions in pilfered money on personal leg waxing and she replied: “Only the little people shave their legs.” Well, at least she didn’t waste the money on something stupid, like her income tax. Sorry, Leona; you’ve been found guilty of tax evasion. We’re afraid you’ll have to sell your hotels, mortgage Park Place, and go directly to jail.
(Band forms Jail with ‘Sing Sing’ sign and plays “Jailhouse Rock”)
And now the Princeton Band leaves the plane of the playing field, just like Voyager in its Grand Tour of the planets, and welcomes the spaced-out Dartmouth band.
