Dartmouth 1991
Princeton vs. Dartmouth
November 23rd, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Stumbling onto the field like a Dartmouth student in search of a common source, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Last night the Band discovered that Dartmouth had contracted a lame alcohol policy. The weather was wet, but the frats were dry. We’d like you to know that even though you’ve lost your common sources, you’ll always be a common school to us. Remember, you are always welcome to leave your sheep for a weekend and make the roadtrip to Princeton, because if ou’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer. But if you don’t have the time, we’d still like to invite your Band to come down and sit on our face, but please, no declarations of love.
“As the Back Go Tearing By” (Band forms a small ‘d’)
And now, for our last ‘P’ of the season, exploring all those topics that the censor board sed we couldn’t do tastefully, the Band unleashes the:
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
Hey Dartmouth: four legs goooood, two legs baaaaaad.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at transition metals’ ability to form octahedral, tetrahedral, trigonal, bipyramidal and square planar complexes.
“Princeton Forward” (After introduction, the music stops and a shot rings out. A Band member collapses in the endzone, remaining there throughout the show.)
Oh no, Band! It’s a disgruntled postal worker! Run! (Band scrambles onto the field) Oh well, a dead band member is almost as useful as a Dartmouth graduate. You can get plenty of jobs with a Dartmouth degree, like turning on and off the light in the refrigerator, speed bump, crash test dummy, hockey puck, test subjects for Mary Kay cosmetics, or for those lucky few, trough cleaners at the Alpha Delta house. Saluting these gifted Dartmouth alums, the Band forms Dartmouth’s favorite open container — a trough, and plays “Basin Street Blues.”
“Basin Street Blues” (Band forms a trough, level rises)
But Dartmouth students shouldn’t fret too much about their impending unemployment. Just think, soon they’ll be able to vie with other out-of-work losers…like David Duke. Why just look at all the prestigious job offers he’s received:
Forming a yellow brick road trailing off into the distance, the Band hopes we don’t meet up with Mr. Duke if he goes back to his former profession.
“We’re Off to See the Wizard” (Band forms yellow brick road trailing off into the distance; two tubas skip down the road. They stop partway, forming eyeholes to change the road into a hood.)
After testifying in the Harvard football team’s steroid use trial, the Princeton Band has been placed in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. We’ve been given a new identify that no one would ever expect: as a Big Ten precision marching band, shown here, actual size.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever” (Band forms a script ‘hi’ with an ‘o’ sign on either side, spelling ‘ohio’. The tubas umlaut the ‘i’.)
And now on behalf of Band President Janice “bite my neck” Johnston, Drum Major Natasha “Ah, Satan” Kablaoui, and Student Conductor Brian-Fred “Beef” Fitzsimmons, this is your announcer Bruce “I swear it was in the script” Kennedy thanking Jack and Cindy, and all you athletic supporters out there: our long, hard season has only encouraged us to come again next year…
November 23rd, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Stumbling onto the field like a Dartmouth student in search of a common source, it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Last night the Band discovered that Dartmouth had contracted a lame alcohol policy. The weather was wet, but the frats were dry. We’d like you to know that even though you’ve lost your common sources, you’ll always be a common school to us. Remember, you are always welcome to leave your sheep for a weekend and make the roadtrip to Princeton, because if ou’ve got the time, we’ve got the beer. But if you don’t have the time, we’d still like to invite your Band to come down and sit on our face, but please, no declarations of love.
“As the Back Go Tearing By” (Band forms a small ‘d’)
And now, for our last ‘P’ of the season, exploring all those topics that the censor board sed we couldn’t do tastefully, the Band unleashes the:
- Totally uncensored,
- Brutally frank,
- 69,
- Fetal pig hors d’oeuvres,
- William Kennedy Smith,
- Silence = Death,
- Full body Catholic workout: Genuflex,
- Phallic art,
- Three tiny vessels crossing the Atlantic,
- But wait, Band, what about Joyce?
- Stepping high on the Stairmaster to Heaven,
- Double-Double Rotating P!
“Going Back” (Band forms Double-Double Rotating P)
Hey Dartmouth: four legs goooood, two legs baaaaaad.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at transition metals’ ability to form octahedral, tetrahedral, trigonal, bipyramidal and square planar complexes.
“Princeton Forward” (After introduction, the music stops and a shot rings out. A Band member collapses in the endzone, remaining there throughout the show.)
Oh no, Band! It’s a disgruntled postal worker! Run! (Band scrambles onto the field) Oh well, a dead band member is almost as useful as a Dartmouth graduate. You can get plenty of jobs with a Dartmouth degree, like turning on and off the light in the refrigerator, speed bump, crash test dummy, hockey puck, test subjects for Mary Kay cosmetics, or for those lucky few, trough cleaners at the Alpha Delta house. Saluting these gifted Dartmouth alums, the Band forms Dartmouth’s favorite open container — a trough, and plays “Basin Street Blues.”
“Basin Street Blues” (Band forms a trough, level rises)
But Dartmouth students shouldn’t fret too much about their impending unemployment. Just think, soon they’ll be able to vie with other out-of-work losers…like David Duke. Why just look at all the prestigious job offers he’s received:
- speed bump
- editor-in-chief of The Dartmouth Review
- manager of the new White Castle in Lynchburg, VA
- torch-bearer for the 1992 Winter Olympics
- host of his own educational TV program, “Mr. Wizard’s World”
- rush committee chairperson for Dartmouth’s own Kappa Kappa Kappa, and
- Supreme Court Justice
Forming a yellow brick road trailing off into the distance, the Band hopes we don’t meet up with Mr. Duke if he goes back to his former profession.
“We’re Off to See the Wizard” (Band forms yellow brick road trailing off into the distance; two tubas skip down the road. They stop partway, forming eyeholes to change the road into a hood.)
After testifying in the Harvard football team’s steroid use trial, the Princeton Band has been placed in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. We’ve been given a new identify that no one would ever expect: as a Big Ten precision marching band, shown here, actual size.
“The Stars and Stripes Forever” (Band forms a script ‘hi’ with an ‘o’ sign on either side, spelling ‘ohio’. The tubas umlaut the ‘i’.)
And now on behalf of Band President Janice “bite my neck” Johnston, Drum Major Natasha “Ah, Satan” Kablaoui, and Student Conductor Brian-Fred “Beef” Fitzsimmons, this is your announcer Bruce “I swear it was in the script” Kennedy thanking Jack and Cindy, and all you athletic supporters out there: our long, hard season has only encouraged us to come again next year…
