Dartmouth 2004
Dartmouth at Princeton
November 20th, 2004
Princeton wins 17-10
Pregame
Silly hats only, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Ladies and jellyfish; men, women, and children; Princeton fans and deluded fools; we in the Band have been playing in this stadium since its creation seven years ago, and we’ve noticed that nobody has decided to put up the money to get their name on the stadium yet. So we decided to name it after ourselves. I’d like to be the first to welcome you to the Princeton University Band Stadium. Please enjoy our performance today. We’re sorry it has to be interrupted by a football game. The Princeton University Band has an undefeated record this season, and we’re favored for today’s matchup as well. Don’t forget to stop by the Princeton University Band Campus Center after the game, and thanks for your support of the Princeton University Band University. We’d like to welcome the Dartmouth Band into our stadium. We don’t know why you brought a football team with you, but we hope they won’t cause much trouble.
(Band forms little ‘d’ and plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By”)
And now… Made from the best stuff on earth Bet you can’t eat just one Obey your thirst The OTHER white meat Once you pop, you can’t stop The breakfast of champions Love in every bite Just like your mamma used to make Taste the rainbow The San Francisco Treat Magically delicious Kid tested, mother approved It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
“The Star-Spangled Banner”
Halftime
One step ahead of the fashion police, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Have you heard about the new Web service on the block? It’s called point.princeton.edu, and it’s your one-stop guide to leading a happy and fulfilled life at Princeton. But we think the site needs a little tweaking. Here are some things we’d like to see added to it.
Forming the new “point” of the Internet, the Band says, “We’ll point you any way you want.”
(Band forms the point.princeton.edu logo and plays “Any Way You Want It”)
In other news, the University is being sued by the donors of the Woodrow Wilson School. Apparently they wanted Woody Woo to turn out dedicated public servants, instead of tools who are obsessed with making money. So if the University isn’t educating people, where is all that money going?
But we all know the real reason that Woody Woo majors aren’t working for the government is that all the money is in i-banking. Showing you that public service just doesn’t pay, the Band forms a phone and says, “Call me, Goldman Sachs.”
(Band forms a phone and plays “Call Me”)
And now, for Student Conductor Brad “I’m adequately hot and have an adequately sized…” Friedman, Head Manager Laura “Did you sign this out?” Collins, Drum Major Josh “For the love of God, stop bouncing” Burton, and President Ben “Help me with my kilt, little boy” Elias, I’m Charlie “Why don’t you shut the hell up?” Bergen, saying, I’ll see you at the fountain for some Dom Perignon.
November 20th, 2004
Princeton wins 17-10
Pregame
Silly hats only, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Ladies and jellyfish; men, women, and children; Princeton fans and deluded fools; we in the Band have been playing in this stadium since its creation seven years ago, and we’ve noticed that nobody has decided to put up the money to get their name on the stadium yet. So we decided to name it after ourselves. I’d like to be the first to welcome you to the Princeton University Band Stadium. Please enjoy our performance today. We’re sorry it has to be interrupted by a football game. The Princeton University Band has an undefeated record this season, and we’re favored for today’s matchup as well. Don’t forget to stop by the Princeton University Band Campus Center after the game, and thanks for your support of the Princeton University Band University. We’d like to welcome the Dartmouth Band into our stadium. We don’t know why you brought a football team with you, but we hope they won’t cause much trouble.
(Band forms little ‘d’ and plays “As The Backs Go Tearing By”)
And now… Made from the best stuff on earth Bet you can’t eat just one Obey your thirst The OTHER white meat Once you pop, you can’t stop The breakfast of champions Love in every bite Just like your mamma used to make Taste the rainbow The San Francisco Treat Magically delicious Kid tested, mother approved It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
“The Star-Spangled Banner”
Halftime
One step ahead of the fashion police, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Have you heard about the new Web service on the block? It’s called point.princeton.edu, and it’s your one-stop guide to leading a happy and fulfilled life at Princeton. But we think the site needs a little tweaking. Here are some things we’d like to see added to it.
- A final paper generator
- A Nude TA of the Day
- Secret Society meeting times and places
- Addresses of local dealers
- Box scores of eating club hookups
- The current location of Karim
- Hypothetical maps of the steam tunnels
- A weekly e-mail from Strong Bad
- One of those fun “Error 404” pages
Forming the new “point” of the Internet, the Band says, “We’ll point you any way you want.”
(Band forms the point.princeton.edu logo and plays “Any Way You Want It”)
In other news, the University is being sued by the donors of the Woodrow Wilson School. Apparently they wanted Woody Woo to turn out dedicated public servants, instead of tools who are obsessed with making money. So if the University isn’t educating people, where is all that money going?
- Is it… filling the Woody Woo fountain with Dom Perignon?
- Is it… funding professor Beirut tournaments?
- Is it… being sculpted into a great big money statue?
- Is it… being used to pay off students to leave Shirley Tilghman alone?
- Is it… paying off the fire inspectors?
- Is it… paying Kate Bosworth to say she’s coming to Princeton?
- Is it… paying Dean Malkiel to lower our grades?
- Is it… bribing opposing football teams?
- Is it… commissioning more statues of naked headless people?
- Is it… digging holes in the ground for no reason?
But we all know the real reason that Woody Woo majors aren’t working for the government is that all the money is in i-banking. Showing you that public service just doesn’t pay, the Band forms a phone and says, “Call me, Goldman Sachs.”
(Band forms a phone and plays “Call Me”)
And now, for Student Conductor Brad “I’m adequately hot and have an adequately sized…” Friedman, Head Manager Laura “Did you sign this out?” Collins, Drum Major Josh “For the love of God, stop bouncing” Burton, and President Ben “Help me with my kilt, little boy” Elias, I’m Charlie “Why don’t you shut the hell up?” Bergen, saying, I’ll see you at the fountain for some Dom Perignon.