Dartmouth 2005
Princeton at Dartmouth
November 19th, 2005
Princeton wins 30-0
Pregame
Hellooooo, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Cannon)
We’d like to tell you the tale of our beloved president, Sarah Unger. Hers is a story of vomitously uplifting success. She was born the child of poor sharecroppers in Oklahoma, the eldest of three beautiful, buxom, blonde daughters. At the age of 13, she eloped with the fabulously wealthy Chiyotaikai, who became offended when her breasts became larger than his. She was forced to flee to Chicago and work as a hooker, where she met her true love, Erik Williamson. No distance could keep them apart, and Sarah soon followed Erik to Princeton, and his instrument to the Band. Her lust for Williamson was only surpassed by her lust for power. She was quick to decimate her enemies, and slept her way straight to the top. Her run-off against heavy-favorite, Mr. Spikey-Glass, ended when he had to pull out suddenly due to a mysterious dioxin poisoning. When asked about her plans for the future, she responded (unintelligible muttering and squeaking). Forming a little ‘d’ for dioxin, the Band says “I’ll play what I want, Proimcess”.
(Dartmouth fight song)
And now: Better living through chemistry I’m not that kind of girl Not enough salt in the world Ed Persia! Ix-nay on the uth-tray The youngers come but once a year Miyabiyama Give the people what they want Bread and circuses You be nice! Kratville! Mm mm mmmm mmmm?. The shower to end all showers As per usual Allo, poppet! DISHYYYYYYYYYYYYY! It’s the Double-Double-Rotating Nice Girl Boots!
(Going Back)
Run away, Band! It’s Sarah McUngerface, the Campus I-have-a-crush-on-every-boy Monster!
Halftime
No one cares, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Princeton Forward)
Allow us to present to you a show about everyone’s favorite Ivy League mascot, entitled: “A Day in the Life of Keggy”.
Forming Keggy, the Band plays “The Impression That I Get”
(Tequila) (This was a “surprise” for our conductor. His head almost exploded. It was great.)
Thank you for listening to the Princeton University Band. Side effects may include:
Forming side effects, the Band plays Rock Lobster.
(Rock Lobster)
For President Sarah “Since your name is Eric, I guess we can do that” Unger, Drum Major Charlie “Band makes me Kim Jong-Il” Bergen, Head Manager Mary “I could snap at any moment” Gallery, and Stu “It’s like a hook, he pees out his mouth, then he drinks it because he likes the taste” Lange, I’m Kevin “What has freedom ever done for me?” Smith, signing off.
November 19th, 2005
Princeton wins 30-0
Pregame
Hellooooo, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Cannon)
We’d like to tell you the tale of our beloved president, Sarah Unger. Hers is a story of vomitously uplifting success. She was born the child of poor sharecroppers in Oklahoma, the eldest of three beautiful, buxom, blonde daughters. At the age of 13, she eloped with the fabulously wealthy Chiyotaikai, who became offended when her breasts became larger than his. She was forced to flee to Chicago and work as a hooker, where she met her true love, Erik Williamson. No distance could keep them apart, and Sarah soon followed Erik to Princeton, and his instrument to the Band. Her lust for Williamson was only surpassed by her lust for power. She was quick to decimate her enemies, and slept her way straight to the top. Her run-off against heavy-favorite, Mr. Spikey-Glass, ended when he had to pull out suddenly due to a mysterious dioxin poisoning. When asked about her plans for the future, she responded (unintelligible muttering and squeaking). Forming a little ‘d’ for dioxin, the Band says “I’ll play what I want, Proimcess”.
(Dartmouth fight song)
And now: Better living through chemistry I’m not that kind of girl Not enough salt in the world Ed Persia! Ix-nay on the uth-tray The youngers come but once a year Miyabiyama Give the people what they want Bread and circuses You be nice! Kratville! Mm mm mmmm mmmm?. The shower to end all showers As per usual Allo, poppet! DISHYYYYYYYYYYYYY! It’s the Double-Double-Rotating Nice Girl Boots!
(Going Back)
Run away, Band! It’s Sarah McUngerface, the Campus I-have-a-crush-on-every-boy Monster!
Halftime
No one cares, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Princeton Forward)
Allow us to present to you a show about everyone’s favorite Ivy League mascot, entitled: “A Day in the Life of Keggy”.
- 8 AM-Keggy rolls out from under a pile of drunk frat boys.
- 8:30-Keggy puts on sweatpants and rolls off to class
- 10:05-Keggy falls asleep during chemistry lecture
- 11:20-Keggy wakes up to find the professor sucking at her tap
- 11:37-Keggy goes to lunch with former roommate, has a conversation about the crisis in Darfur
- 1:30 PM-Keggy goes to diving practice, impresses coach with triple-barrel roll
- 3:00-Keggy fished off the bottom of the pool
- 4:00-Keggy meets with independent work advisor to discuss paper on alpacas
- 6:00-Keggy gets ready for date with Mr. Kool-Aid
- 9:30-Mr. Kool-Aid asks Keggy to “spike his punch”, Keggy gets offended and rolls off to nearby bar
- 10:45-Keggy goes home with close friends Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and Captain Morgan.
Forming Keggy, the Band plays “The Impression That I Get”
(Tequila) (This was a “surprise” for our conductor. His head almost exploded. It was great.)
Thank you for listening to the Princeton University Band. Side effects may include:
- Heart palpitations
- Ringing in the ears
- Chloracne
- Profuse sweating
- Diarrhea… and I mean, a lot of diarrhea
- Enlarged prostate
- Alien spawn bursting from chest
- Double-Double Rotating spleen
- Halitosis
- Hair loss
- Zombism
- SIDS
- Morbid obesity in sorority women
- Catholicism
- Inexplicable spasms and thrashing
Forming side effects, the Band plays Rock Lobster.
(Rock Lobster)
For President Sarah “Since your name is Eric, I guess we can do that” Unger, Drum Major Charlie “Band makes me Kim Jong-Il” Bergen, Head Manager Mary “I could snap at any moment” Gallery, and Stu “It’s like a hook, he pees out his mouth, then he drinks it because he likes the taste” Lange, I’m Kevin “What has freedom ever done for me?” Smith, signing off.
