Dartmouth 2007
Princeton at Dartmouth
November 17th, 2007
Princeton wins 17-14
Pregame
Danananananana Greg Snyder, It’s the Princeton University Band! We’d like to dedicate this pregame to our esteemed President, Gregory Frantz Snyder. Greg began his life as a 49-year old chain-smoking, out of work steel foreman in Allentown, Pennsylvania. However, an encounter with a quantum singularity simultaneously made him 31 years younger and sparked a lifelong interest in cosmology. He was then recruited by Princeton to be a sexual health adviser, a job at which he excelled thanks to his extensive experience with the only 100% reliable method of contraception. Desperately searching for something to bang, he joined the Princeton Band as a drummer. He quickly ingratiated himself with the ruling elite by virtue of his immaculate coiffure and commanding stern look. He then staged a coup with the popular support of the band after promising to return to them the pants that were so wrongly taken away. However, he quickly reneged on his promises, and he has no idea that we’re planning to assassinate him after this show. Sssshhhh…don’t tell him. Forming a ‘d’ for ‘booze?’ the band plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”
[Band forms ‘d’ which turns to ‘b’, plays ATBGTB]
And now… Grasshopper, Fuzzy Navel, Mint Julep, Appletini, Alabama Slammer, White Russian, Tequila Sunset, Pink gin, Gin rickey, Scotchy scotch, Manhattan, Cosmopolitan, Screwdriver, Old-fashioned, Deranged, Bloody Mary, Mai Tai, Mojito, Sangria, Martini, Sea Breeze, Sex on the Beach, and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING ANDRE BOTTLES!!!
[Band forms bottles, plays Going Back]
Run away Band, I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year…and so are the mangoes.
[Band fleshpiles Greg]
Halftime
Leeeeroy Jenkins, it’s the Princeton University Band
[Band marches on to Forward while Leachman reads the first joke]
Wow, Dartmouth. You managed to get sued by your own alumni association. What could you possibly have done to provoke this litigation?
Forming a sheep that looks nothing like the picture, the band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”
[Band forms a sheep, plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”]
Pakistan’s leader, Pervez Musharraf is in a bit of a tough spot at the moment. We figured he could use a few tips on how to solidify his failing grasp on the country. As luck would have it, we just happen to have some.
Of course if none of those work, we’re pretty sure you and India could come up with something to draw everyone’s attention. Forming a a nuclear bomb, the band plays “99 Luftballoons”
[Band forms bomb on the field, plays “99 Luftballoons”,then the bomb explodes as the band yells ‘boom!’]
On behalf of Student Conductor Matt “Pastries always give consent” Rich, Head Manager Christina “Doesn’t Even Make Sense” Farah, Drum Major Alan “This nickname does not have anything to do with being too tall-HEY LOOK A BUNNY” Barnes, and President Greg “Drinking makes me cry” Snyder, I’m Sam “For the love of god, put it back on!” Leachman, signing off.
November 17th, 2007
Princeton wins 17-14
Pregame
Danananananana Greg Snyder, It’s the Princeton University Band! We’d like to dedicate this pregame to our esteemed President, Gregory Frantz Snyder. Greg began his life as a 49-year old chain-smoking, out of work steel foreman in Allentown, Pennsylvania. However, an encounter with a quantum singularity simultaneously made him 31 years younger and sparked a lifelong interest in cosmology. He was then recruited by Princeton to be a sexual health adviser, a job at which he excelled thanks to his extensive experience with the only 100% reliable method of contraception. Desperately searching for something to bang, he joined the Princeton Band as a drummer. He quickly ingratiated himself with the ruling elite by virtue of his immaculate coiffure and commanding stern look. He then staged a coup with the popular support of the band after promising to return to them the pants that were so wrongly taken away. However, he quickly reneged on his promises, and he has no idea that we’re planning to assassinate him after this show. Sssshhhh…don’t tell him. Forming a ‘d’ for ‘booze?’ the band plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”
[Band forms ‘d’ which turns to ‘b’, plays ATBGTB]
And now… Grasshopper, Fuzzy Navel, Mint Julep, Appletini, Alabama Slammer, White Russian, Tequila Sunset, Pink gin, Gin rickey, Scotchy scotch, Manhattan, Cosmopolitan, Screwdriver, Old-fashioned, Deranged, Bloody Mary, Mai Tai, Mojito, Sangria, Martini, Sea Breeze, Sex on the Beach, and the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING ANDRE BOTTLES!!!
[Band forms bottles, plays Going Back]
Run away Band, I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year…and so are the mangoes.
[Band fleshpiles Greg]
Halftime
Leeeeroy Jenkins, it’s the Princeton University Band
[Band marches on to Forward while Leachman reads the first joke]
Wow, Dartmouth. You managed to get sued by your own alumni association. What could you possibly have done to provoke this litigation?
- Graduates’ diplomas are not being accepted because they’re made out of tree-bark
- Graduates’ diplomas are not being accepted because they’re from Dartmouth
- The University won’t to pay to have beer stains removed from parkas
- The Agriculture Department has cut back drastically on ovine husbandry courses
- Health Services has refused to cover medical costs related to frostbite
- Dr. Seuss spoke perfectly normally before he went through the Dartmouth Department of English
- Prolonged exposure to the big green has given alumni septic toxcemia
- The sheep didn’t look anything like the pictures in the brochure
Forming a sheep that looks nothing like the picture, the band plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”
[Band forms a sheep, plays “Gimme Some Lovin'”]
Pakistan’s leader, Pervez Musharraf is in a bit of a tough spot at the moment. We figured he could use a few tips on how to solidify his failing grasp on the country. As luck would have it, we just happen to have some.
- Invite all your exiled rivals back to the country for a surprise black-tie gala, then cancel it at the last minute and make them feel really awkward
- Replace the Pakistani supreme court with a wheel of parmesan cheese
- Start a facebook group, 1,000,000 strong for Pervez Musharraf
- Since Bush’s unpopularity has sapped his foreign support, consider befriending a more popular regime, like the ones in Myanmar or North Korea
- Rebrand himself as The Legitimately Elected Leader Formerly Known As Pervez Musharraf
- Pool party!
- Rename the capital from Islamabad to Islamagood!
- Distract your populace from their terrible lives with balloon animals, or if that doesn’t work, try shooting them
Of course if none of those work, we’re pretty sure you and India could come up with something to draw everyone’s attention. Forming a a nuclear bomb, the band plays “99 Luftballoons”
[Band forms bomb on the field, plays “99 Luftballoons”,then the bomb explodes as the band yells ‘boom!’]
On behalf of Student Conductor Matt “Pastries always give consent” Rich, Head Manager Christina “Doesn’t Even Make Sense” Farah, Drum Major Alan “This nickname does not have anything to do with being too tall-HEY LOOK A BUNNY” Barnes, and President Greg “Drinking makes me cry” Snyder, I’m Sam “For the love of god, put it back on!” Leachman, signing off.
