Dartmouth 2009
Princeton at Dartmouth
November 21, 2009
Princeton wins 23-11
Pregame:
Shark, shark, shark, shark, attack!-ing onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Dear Hannah, I never thought it would come to this. This is the hardest wall post I’ve ever had to write. I’ll always remember the good times we had, like:
But as with any love affair, this cloud had an asbestos lining:
(Band forms “d” and plays “ATBGTB”)
And now, Perfume or cologne? Which bathroom do you use? Thong or banana hammock? Do you swim with or without a top? Barbies or GI Joes? Do you shave your legs or your face? Concave or convex? Do you leave the seat down or up? Skirt or kilt? What we’re asking is, Do you have a double-double-rotating package?
(Band forms packages, which happen to look more and more like testicles as rotation occurs, and plays “Goin’ Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away, band! PS: Hey guys, looks like it’s wacky time!
Halftime:
Dear football season, great times this year in homeroom with Mrs. Haskell. Always remember—fish-food! Fish-food! Lol. Anyway, HAGS! Signed, the Princeton University Band!
President Obama spent most of this last week in Asia, meeting with officials and speaking to crowds in Japan, Singapore, China, and South Korea. He also inadvertently visited Russia after following directions to Asia he got from Sarah Palin in an effort to reach out the right. For the rest of the trip he decided to reach out to Google Maps instead. Here are some other more ignominious moments from his expedition:
(Band forms tiger eye, with roving iris/pupil, and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”)
Ladies and gents, the PU Band takes a long, hard look at… weiner dogs! Weiner dogs? Really? You know what? No. NO. I refuse to read this mindless drivel anymore. This is our last show of the year, and my last chance to address a captive audience of 8000, so I’m going to tell you what I think about some things. First off, how about those breakfast cereals? They are ridiculous. Apple Jacks, you don’t even taste like apples, so CHANGE YOUR NAME, and stop flaunting your incompetence at capturing fruity flavors. Also, all you adults in Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials—stop making witty one-liners about your profession and just tell them you can see the effing cinnamon swirls on every bite. I’m talking to you, lifeguard, umpire, and submarine captain. Also, Cookie Crisp, you need to step off. You are LITERALLY tiny chocolate chip cookies. Just because you are poured in a milky bowl and eaten with a spoon does not make you breakfast. Get back to the “Cookies and Crackers” aisle where you belong. Man, I had some major complaints with the Twitter too, and that new Twilight movie, but looks like I’m out of time. Band, form… uh…. ME on the field. Yeah, heh. And play something that has my name in it. Maybe that one by Paul Simon. Do it.
(The band forms stick figure on the field (complete with strategically placed tubas and bassoon) and plays “You Can Call Me Al.”) (Announcer sign-off)
No record of the announcer signoff is available. The announcer for the season was Alec Slatky '12.
November 21, 2009
Princeton wins 23-11
Pregame:
Shark, shark, shark, shark, attack!-ing onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Dear Hannah, I never thought it would come to this. This is the hardest wall post I’ve ever had to write. I’ll always remember the good times we had, like:
- That three-way with Andy the Bandie
- When we were kicked out of that Cornell hotel for banging too loud
- When we swapped life stories, and you told me how you had begun your life (and your jumping career) with a mighty leap over the Mexican border
- How every time you frowned, a smile and thumbs-up were soon to follow
- To be honest, you really reminded us of our old boyfriend, too, who was a total hottie
But as with any love affair, this cloud had an asbestos lining:
- You liked banging inanimate objects more than us
- That strap-on harness you wear isn’t doing it for us anymore
- You spend a lot of time with your other band, but we didn’t realize you were actually cheating on us with them! You violated OUR honor code.
- And then we found out that there were quite a few Children of Valdez running around
(Band forms “d” and plays “ATBGTB”)
And now, Perfume or cologne? Which bathroom do you use? Thong or banana hammock? Do you swim with or without a top? Barbies or GI Joes? Do you shave your legs or your face? Concave or convex? Do you leave the seat down or up? Skirt or kilt? What we’re asking is, Do you have a double-double-rotating package?
(Band forms packages, which happen to look more and more like testicles as rotation occurs, and plays “Goin’ Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away, band! PS: Hey guys, looks like it’s wacky time!
Halftime:
Dear football season, great times this year in homeroom with Mrs. Haskell. Always remember—fish-food! Fish-food! Lol. Anyway, HAGS! Signed, the Princeton University Band!
President Obama spent most of this last week in Asia, meeting with officials and speaking to crowds in Japan, Singapore, China, and South Korea. He also inadvertently visited Russia after following directions to Asia he got from Sarah Palin in an effort to reach out the right. For the rest of the trip he decided to reach out to Google Maps instead. Here are some other more ignominious moments from his expedition:
- He took part in a Swartzenegger-esque celebrity commercial for hemorrhoid cream
- He trashed his hotel room in rage after China’s internet blocking wouldn’t let him change his Facebook status to “IN CHINA BITCHEZ SUCKAS”
- At different points, he was mistaken on the street for Eddie Murphy, Morgan Freeman, Chris Tucker, and Meryl Streep
- He was talked into dressing in a panda costume for the eleventh-birthday party of a gymnast from the 2008 Chinese Olympic team
- He got the Chinese character for “Liberty” tattooed on his bicep. (Don’t tell him this, but it actually says “bean curd.”)
- He unknowingly sampled dishes made from three different endangered species
(Band forms tiger eye, with roving iris/pupil, and plays “Eye of the Tiger.”)
Ladies and gents, the PU Band takes a long, hard look at… weiner dogs! Weiner dogs? Really? You know what? No. NO. I refuse to read this mindless drivel anymore. This is our last show of the year, and my last chance to address a captive audience of 8000, so I’m going to tell you what I think about some things. First off, how about those breakfast cereals? They are ridiculous. Apple Jacks, you don’t even taste like apples, so CHANGE YOUR NAME, and stop flaunting your incompetence at capturing fruity flavors. Also, all you adults in Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials—stop making witty one-liners about your profession and just tell them you can see the effing cinnamon swirls on every bite. I’m talking to you, lifeguard, umpire, and submarine captain. Also, Cookie Crisp, you need to step off. You are LITERALLY tiny chocolate chip cookies. Just because you are poured in a milky bowl and eaten with a spoon does not make you breakfast. Get back to the “Cookies and Crackers” aisle where you belong. Man, I had some major complaints with the Twitter too, and that new Twilight movie, but looks like I’m out of time. Band, form… uh…. ME on the field. Yeah, heh. And play something that has my name in it. Maybe that one by Paul Simon. Do it.
(The band forms stick figure on the field (complete with strategically placed tubas and bassoon) and plays “You Can Call Me Al.”) (Announcer sign-off)
No record of the announcer signoff is available. The announcer for the season was Alec Slatky '12.
