Dartmouth 2011
Princeton at Dartmouth
November 19th, 2011
Princeton loses 17-24
Pregame:
We’re on the road to Veridian…no! Bad Nicole! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
We’ve heard there may be a person of interest on the field right now, by the name of Nicole Rafidi, who is on the terrorist watch list for being Middle Eastern in public. Nicole is a 5’9” male 35-year-old grad student. If you’re trying to arrest her, here are some tips:
(Band forms lowercase d, plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”)
And now…
(Band forms double-double-rotating-pokeball, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Give me an S! Give me an O! Give me a D! For more, come see our third quarter performance, and direct any complaints to [email protected].
Halftime:
Look, it’s the Princeton University Band! NOPE, Chuck Testa. But actually, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
With Thanksgiving less than a week away, we’d like to explore what Dartmouth students are thankful for around this time of year. Admittedly, we know the list must be small – this is Hanover, after all – but here’s what we came up with:
Forming a one-night keg stand, the Band plays “Love Drunk.”
The Band would like to turn to an important issue of the day: Reese Witherspoon getting hit by a car. Wait, that’s in the script? That happened over the summer! This is ridiculous, I’m the one with the mic, I can say whatever I want. I’d like to talk about something topical…like ointment.
For example, Head On? That commercial is really annoying. That commercial is really annoying. That commercial is…well you get the idea. Now that I think of it, there are plenty of advertisements that really get me riled up.
Like that Geico commercial, where the woman thinks the gecko looks like some dude she had an affair with many years ago. It’s a freaking lizard, how do you make that mistake? And furthermore, who keeps giving that gecko jobs? Lizards don’t function in society!
And that horrible Flo woman from Progressive? You’re supposed to be funny but you’re not freaking funny. Your face looks like a baby that’s spitting up, you have that deer in the headlights look all the time, and you’re horrendously awkward. Go buy some insurance for your career!
JG Wentworth. Don’t even get me started. What are you? After I see your commercials, I think: it’s my time, and I need it back now! And of all the mediums to use, you choose opera? Nobody likes opera! And of the people who do like opera, who will like one about cash now?
Kidz Bop, I hate both Kidz and Bop. Get off of my screen. Your kids are whiny as anything, you take out half of the words to make the inappropriate songs somewhat wholesome.
Those anti-DUI commercials where the alcohol spills out the car window? The first thing I notice is that there are not nearly enough olives for that amount of gin in a proper martini.
And the E-Trade Baby? I understand you’re precocious, but still: where are your parents? Whatever happened to the good old days where kids just sat and watched kids’ shows.
So let’s give the children in the audience an age-appropriate show. Band, form a puppet on the field. Since we’re playing the Big Green, make it Kermit. And play “The Muppet Show.”
And now, on behalf of Princeton University Band Head Manager Matthew “I’m a freakin’ neutrino, baby” Edwards, Student Conductor Jacquelyn “Gives a tour of her… campus” Nestor, Drum Major Alec “no pants, no problem” Slatky, and President Nicole “who the heck just meowed?” Rafidi, this has been your announcer, Joseph “turkey of every year” McMahan, signing off and saying, "Mo’ money, mo’ problems."
November 19th, 2011
Princeton loses 17-24
Pregame:
We’re on the road to Veridian…no! Bad Nicole! It’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
We’ve heard there may be a person of interest on the field right now, by the name of Nicole Rafidi, who is on the terrorist watch list for being Middle Eastern in public. Nicole is a 5’9” male 35-year-old grad student. If you’re trying to arrest her, here are some tips:
- If at any point during a conversation with the suspect, she meows, do not be alarmed. This is her normal style of communications.
- She unleashes her aggression by annoyingly flipping ties in people’s faces or making them say Chubby Bunny. Sometimes she threatens to cut people’s faces, but to my knowledge, has never done so.
- She was last seen with hummus and plain nonfat Greek yogurt with goat’s milk.
- She has a distinctive smell, as evidenced by her expertise in not showering.
- Her eyes are as big as dinner plates, even though she is Asian. She is Asian, no matter what she says.
- She only dines with a couple of accomplices in the Charter Club, which annoys other people, which in turn really annoys her. Try to infiltrate this circle to learn secrets about her.
- In the month of January, be on the lookout for lots of lookalikes.
- If you see any sort of panty line, it’s definitely not her. She only wears thongs with bows.
- Be armed with a pug – you can disarm her with cuteness.
- Her outfits are usually a strange combination of a plaid kilt and a Dratini hat.
(Band forms lowercase d, plays “As the Backs Go Tearing By”)
And now…
- Rainbow Road
- Carlab
- The ELE department
- Juice
- Making sounds while you eat
- Running
- Sports
- IM hockey
- Being called a tease
- Males that aren’t Matthew
- Camping
- The outdoors
- Cows
- Nature
- Ironically, not Harvest Moon
- C’s lollipops
- Jokes about the dynamic of her relationship with Matthew
- Not touching people
- Bugs
- Dogs
- Facial hair
- People who hate on video games
- Popular music
- Ice cream
- Joey’s ex-girlfriend Faith
- The Princeton Charter Club
- Mississippi
- The East Coast
- Seasons
- Everything
(Band forms double-double-rotating-pokeball, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Give me an S! Give me an O! Give me a D! For more, come see our third quarter performance, and direct any complaints to [email protected].
Halftime:
Look, it’s the Princeton University Band! NOPE, Chuck Testa. But actually, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
With Thanksgiving less than a week away, we’d like to explore what Dartmouth students are thankful for around this time of year. Admittedly, we know the list must be small – this is Hanover, after all – but here’s what we came up with:
- Stuffing turkeys
- Tryptophan and the carpet on their girlfriends’ sorority floor
- To eat such a delicious meal before hibernating for the winter
- To be an Ivy League school
- To have a mascot that no longer offends one half of the original Thanksgiving dinner, and instead have the Big Green, which is the color of Ivy – that helps them have cred in the Ivy League.
- Seriously, they should be thankful for being in the Ivy League.
- Farm animals to keep them warm now that the nights are growing colder
- That Fareed Zakaria didn’t go to their school. Because he looks like a broccoli.
- Keggy’s reappearance, not just because Keggy is awesome, but because their romantic lives will improve. Now they can start having one-night keg stands.
Forming a one-night keg stand, the Band plays “Love Drunk.”
The Band would like to turn to an important issue of the day: Reese Witherspoon getting hit by a car. Wait, that’s in the script? That happened over the summer! This is ridiculous, I’m the one with the mic, I can say whatever I want. I’d like to talk about something topical…like ointment.
For example, Head On? That commercial is really annoying. That commercial is really annoying. That commercial is…well you get the idea. Now that I think of it, there are plenty of advertisements that really get me riled up.
Like that Geico commercial, where the woman thinks the gecko looks like some dude she had an affair with many years ago. It’s a freaking lizard, how do you make that mistake? And furthermore, who keeps giving that gecko jobs? Lizards don’t function in society!
And that horrible Flo woman from Progressive? You’re supposed to be funny but you’re not freaking funny. Your face looks like a baby that’s spitting up, you have that deer in the headlights look all the time, and you’re horrendously awkward. Go buy some insurance for your career!
JG Wentworth. Don’t even get me started. What are you? After I see your commercials, I think: it’s my time, and I need it back now! And of all the mediums to use, you choose opera? Nobody likes opera! And of the people who do like opera, who will like one about cash now?
Kidz Bop, I hate both Kidz and Bop. Get off of my screen. Your kids are whiny as anything, you take out half of the words to make the inappropriate songs somewhat wholesome.
Those anti-DUI commercials where the alcohol spills out the car window? The first thing I notice is that there are not nearly enough olives for that amount of gin in a proper martini.
And the E-Trade Baby? I understand you’re precocious, but still: where are your parents? Whatever happened to the good old days where kids just sat and watched kids’ shows.
So let’s give the children in the audience an age-appropriate show. Band, form a puppet on the field. Since we’re playing the Big Green, make it Kermit. And play “The Muppet Show.”
And now, on behalf of Princeton University Band Head Manager Matthew “I’m a freakin’ neutrino, baby” Edwards, Student Conductor Jacquelyn “Gives a tour of her… campus” Nestor, Drum Major Alec “no pants, no problem” Slatky, and President Nicole “who the heck just meowed?” Rafidi, this has been your announcer, Joseph “turkey of every year” McMahan, signing off and saying, "Mo’ money, mo’ problems."