Hampton 2007
Hampton at Princeton
October 6th, 2007
Princeton loses 27-48
Pregame
And now, under the the direction of Al Frente ’69 PhD Doctor of Bandology, it’s the Princeton University Band! With track star Marion Jones’ recent admissions of steroid usage, the problems of doping are more than ever in the public eye. Responding to increased concern, the Ivy League has decided to be proactive and institute new standards which exceed existing NCAA regulations. As a result, there will be increased scrutiny on all sorts of groups on campus, except, of course, sprint football, because, c’mon, really. The impacts of these new rules have already been felt by the campus community.
Of course, the group that has been hardest hit has been the band, which is why we only have 50 members today instead of our usual 300. Unfortunately, this means our plans to spell out a script Hampton on the field will have to be reduced somewhat. Forming a small ‘h’, the band plays “He’s a Pirate!”
[Band forms an ‘h’, plays “He’s a Pirate”]
And now… Red Roof Inn Motel 6 Holiday Inn La Quinta Embassy Suites Comfort Inn Hilton Courtyard by Marriot Best Western Sheraton Extended Stay America Super 8 Days Inn Westin Doubletree Hampton Inn and now offering hourly rates, it’s the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Band plays Going Back]
Please rise for the national anthem. [Band plays national anthem]
Run away band, before the ‘roid rage kicks in!
Halftime
About to be totally upstaged, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band random precision marches on to Forward]
Colgate! Good to see you…wait a second…you’re not Colgate. Who are you people? (pause as if being told something off microphone) Hampton? You’re Hampton? Well, I’ll tell you what. Since you guys are new here, let us give you a couple of recommendations for how to spend your time in Princeton. You could:
Of course, if Princeton doesn’t seem like your cup of tea, we recommend that you look outside the Ivy League. Say, at Penn, for example. But we certainly hope we made a better impression on you than that. Welcoming Hampton to Princeton, the band forms Nassau hall and plays “The Impression that I Get”
[Band forms Nassau Hall, plays “The Impression that I Get”]
While we were playing that song, our elite team of researchers did some work, and we found out that Hampton’s mascot is the pirates. Not only that, the entire institution seems to have a piratical bent, as evidenced by some of the courses listed in Hampton’s current undergraduate announcement, such as:
Forming a Muppet Treasure Island, the band plays “The Muppet Show”
[Band forms an island, plays “Muppet Show”]
Run away band, this field ain’t big enough for the two of you!
October 6th, 2007
Princeton loses 27-48
Pregame
And now, under the the direction of Al Frente ’69 PhD Doctor of Bandology, it’s the Princeton University Band! With track star Marion Jones’ recent admissions of steroid usage, the problems of doping are more than ever in the public eye. Responding to increased concern, the Ivy League has decided to be proactive and institute new standards which exceed existing NCAA regulations. As a result, there will be increased scrutiny on all sorts of groups on campus, except, of course, sprint football, because, c’mon, really. The impacts of these new rules have already been felt by the campus community.
- Terrace Club’s intramurals teams have been declared ineligible to a man.
- The DARPA car has been suspended from the competition for using performance-enhancing fuels.
- The USG was caught using THC, PCP, LSD and HPV
Of course, the group that has been hardest hit has been the band, which is why we only have 50 members today instead of our usual 300. Unfortunately, this means our plans to spell out a script Hampton on the field will have to be reduced somewhat. Forming a small ‘h’, the band plays “He’s a Pirate!”
[Band forms an ‘h’, plays “He’s a Pirate”]
And now… Red Roof Inn Motel 6 Holiday Inn La Quinta Embassy Suites Comfort Inn Hilton Courtyard by Marriot Best Western Sheraton Extended Stay America Super 8 Days Inn Westin Doubletree Hampton Inn and now offering hourly rates, it’s the DOUBLE DOUBLE ROTATING P!
[Band plays Going Back]
Please rise for the national anthem. [Band plays national anthem]
Run away band, before the ‘roid rage kicks in!
Halftime
About to be totally upstaged, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band random precision marches on to Forward]
Colgate! Good to see you…wait a second…you’re not Colgate. Who are you people? (pause as if being told something off microphone) Hampton? You’re Hampton? Well, I’ll tell you what. Since you guys are new here, let us give you a couple of recommendations for how to spend your time in Princeton. You could:
- Visit the many affordable and not at all bourgeois stores on Nassau street
- Stop by Firestone Library, which houses many rare book collections, as well as our money trees
- Go on an Orange-Key tour entirely free of blatant lies
- Have a chat with the Dean of Wicca, Nancy Malkiel
- Meet some of the many engaging and friendly socialites who frequent the Engineering Quadrangle
- Tour the Woodrow Wilson School of International affairs, which houses our tool factory, and is conveniently close to Tower Club, our toolshed
Of course, if Princeton doesn’t seem like your cup of tea, we recommend that you look outside the Ivy League. Say, at Penn, for example. But we certainly hope we made a better impression on you than that. Welcoming Hampton to Princeton, the band forms Nassau hall and plays “The Impression that I Get”
[Band forms Nassau Hall, plays “The Impression that I Get”]
While we were playing that song, our elite team of researchers did some work, and we found out that Hampton’s mascot is the pirates. Not only that, the entire institution seems to have a piratical bent, as evidenced by some of the courses listed in Hampton’s current undergraduate announcement, such as:
- Agricultural Studies 107: Parrot Husbandry
- Economics 201: Privateering
- Geoscience 333: Finding buried treasure
- Linguistics 597: Special Topics In Phonetics: The Letter RRRRR
- Biological Engineering 458: Peg legs, Eye Patches and Hook Hands
- Computer Science 208: Intellectual Property Rights and File-sharing
- Quantum 101: The Planck Length
- Chemistry 341: Molasses distillation
- Finance/Women’s Studies 109: Using your booty to get what you want.
- Psychology 176: Cabin fever
- Film Studies 399: Pirates of Penzance, Mutiny on the Bounty, and Muppet Treasure Island
Forming a Muppet Treasure Island, the band plays “The Muppet Show”
[Band forms an island, plays “Muppet Show”]
Run away band, this field ain’t big enough for the two of you!
