Harvard 1980
Harvard at Princeton
October 25th, 1980
Princeton wins 7-3
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Primitive Cultures. So hit it.
“Princeton Forward” (Band breaks into Conga as it marches out)
Once upon a time in a small land called Princeton, there was a school. It was a good school with clean students, clean cats, clean hot-pots, and filthy halftime shows. Then one day a group of rich primitive barbarians decided everyone at the school was too happy. Now these barbarians were rich — rich enough to have dormitories named after them — so they hired some bounty hunters to make everyone sad. First there was Seligman Lagree who took away the cats. Then there was Girgus Khan who helped take away the hot-pots. Dave Rahr took away the halftime shows, including today’s, and finally there was Atilla the Brown, who said, “Okay Mr. Rich Barbarian — I’ll have them build some residential colleges.” Needless to say the school was no longer happy. In fact, it was so sad that its President took a leave of absence. The moral: If you can’t stand the heat, build a new dining facility.
“Born Free” (Band forms ‘CURL’ with ‘C’ as a cents sign)
One of the most frightening primitive species is that of Homo Electus. This species exists in three main factions. First is the Plains Wanderer, known for close family ties and strict adherence to the adage “If at first you don’t succeed…” Geritol Man is a western dweller and has oft been seen talking to his intellectual equal, the chimpanzee. The third, Gesturae Futilis, is believed by many to be extinct. Slinging mud on the field, the Band forms
a) Anderson’s chances
c) Carter’s accomplishments
c) Reagan’s IQ,
looking forward to election day, 1984.
“Wash That Man Right Out…” (Band forms zero)
Slightly lower than Cro Magnon man on the evolutionary scale is a tribe of primates residing in an obscure pit in Cambridge. Answering calls of “hello sailor,” “pahk the cah in the yahd,” and “how about a quick dip, Senator?”, the few males of the species spend vast amounts of time huddled together for warmth comparing the length of their resumes, the height of their noses, and the width of their credibility gaps. Wondering when these nit-picking Neanderthals to the North will admit that they’re just Yalies in a red sundress, the Band forms a crowbar on the field, demonstrating the only way to separate the Hahvahd boys.
“I Feel Pretty” (Band forms crowbar)
And lest we grow too smug in our look at primitive cultures, the Band reminds us that somewhere far, far away, there might be others of an even higher culture observing us. Can we not imagine them turning from the telescope, throwing up their manipulative members in consternation and shaking their sensory clusters in wonder, as they ask, “What, indeed, is this large festering crimson object? What is the nature of these excruciating oscillations it is producing? Perhaps it is attempting unsuccessfully to produce the same pleasant sensations as those produced by that nattily dressed orange and black object standing nearby.” Forming a mysterious monolith on the field, the Band applauds our tasteful alien friends for their clever guess.
“El Capitan” (Band forms monolith)
October 25th, 1980
Princeton wins 7-3
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Primitive Cultures. So hit it.
“Princeton Forward” (Band breaks into Conga as it marches out)
Once upon a time in a small land called Princeton, there was a school. It was a good school with clean students, clean cats, clean hot-pots, and filthy halftime shows. Then one day a group of rich primitive barbarians decided everyone at the school was too happy. Now these barbarians were rich — rich enough to have dormitories named after them — so they hired some bounty hunters to make everyone sad. First there was Seligman Lagree who took away the cats. Then there was Girgus Khan who helped take away the hot-pots. Dave Rahr took away the halftime shows, including today’s, and finally there was Atilla the Brown, who said, “Okay Mr. Rich Barbarian — I’ll have them build some residential colleges.” Needless to say the school was no longer happy. In fact, it was so sad that its President took a leave of absence. The moral: If you can’t stand the heat, build a new dining facility.
“Born Free” (Band forms ‘CURL’ with ‘C’ as a cents sign)
One of the most frightening primitive species is that of Homo Electus. This species exists in three main factions. First is the Plains Wanderer, known for close family ties and strict adherence to the adage “If at first you don’t succeed…” Geritol Man is a western dweller and has oft been seen talking to his intellectual equal, the chimpanzee. The third, Gesturae Futilis, is believed by many to be extinct. Slinging mud on the field, the Band forms
a) Anderson’s chances
c) Carter’s accomplishments
c) Reagan’s IQ,
looking forward to election day, 1984.
“Wash That Man Right Out…” (Band forms zero)
Slightly lower than Cro Magnon man on the evolutionary scale is a tribe of primates residing in an obscure pit in Cambridge. Answering calls of “hello sailor,” “pahk the cah in the yahd,” and “how about a quick dip, Senator?”, the few males of the species spend vast amounts of time huddled together for warmth comparing the length of their resumes, the height of their noses, and the width of their credibility gaps. Wondering when these nit-picking Neanderthals to the North will admit that they’re just Yalies in a red sundress, the Band forms a crowbar on the field, demonstrating the only way to separate the Hahvahd boys.
“I Feel Pretty” (Band forms crowbar)
And lest we grow too smug in our look at primitive cultures, the Band reminds us that somewhere far, far away, there might be others of an even higher culture observing us. Can we not imagine them turning from the telescope, throwing up their manipulative members in consternation and shaking their sensory clusters in wonder, as they ask, “What, indeed, is this large festering crimson object? What is the nature of these excruciating oscillations it is producing? Perhaps it is attempting unsuccessfully to produce the same pleasant sensations as those produced by that nattily dressed orange and black object standing nearby.” Forming a mysterious monolith on the field, the Band applauds our tasteful alien friends for their clever guess.
“El Capitan” (Band forms monolith)
