Harvard 2000
Harvard at Princeton
October 21st, 2000
Princeton loses 21-35
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, alumni and alumnae, townies and townae, pupils and pupae, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
So the office of the President of Princeton University is now open for nominations. But no one thought to nominate Hahvahd President Neil Rudenstein, who is also looking for work. Of course, if Rudenstein did become President of Princeton, he would probably make a few changes to make Princeton feel more like Hahvahd. For example:
Forming a little ‘h,’ the Band invites you to rock the hash baa. (Band forms a small ‘h’ and plays “Hahvahdiana”) And now, not pronouncing the letter ‘r’ like:
It’s the double-double-otating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, today’s halftime show is dedicated to University President Hal Shapiro, with special guest stars, the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Today we bid a fond farewell to our beloved President, Hal Shapiro. During his time here, President Shapiro approved a ten-percent class size increase and raised over eight billion dollars. But you may not be familiar with some of Hal’s lesser-known accomplishments, such as:
Forming scaffolding, the Band lets you know what we think of Hal Shapiro… he’s pretty fly — for a white guy.
(Band forms scaffolding and plays “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)”)
With Hal Shapiro leaving, everyone is wondering: Who will replace him? The Band has a few suggestions:
Forming Hal Shapiro, the Band reminds you that pretty soon, you won’t be able to call him President Shapiro any more… you can call him Hal.
(Band forms Hal Shapiro’s head and plays “You Can Call Me Al”; trash section holds a 20-yard-long pair of glasses.)
Of course, the most obvious replacement for Hal Shapiro is a certain other unemployed college president, Neil Rudenstein. Then again, Rudenstein couldn’t even do a good job at his own college. This year U.S. News and World Report ranked Princeton as number one above every other college in the nation. Here are some of the reasons Princeton is number one, and Hahvahd is number two:
Saluting Hal Shapiro, and thanking him for all he’s done, the Band reminds him that he’s not the only Hal to have his plug pulled in 2001.
(Band forms concert shell, flashes, and plays “Thus Spake Zarathustra”)
Flashers spell: BRAVO WAYWARD HAL
Anagram to: BLOW HARVARD AWAY
Flip to reveal: OLD NASS KICKS ASS
President Shapiro, please come to the fifty-yard line for a gift from the Band. (Hal Shapiro walks out onto the fifty-yard line; Drum Major puts a hat and blazer on him.) Ladies and gentlemen, Princeton President Hal Shapiro.
October 21st, 2000
Princeton loses 21-35
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, alumni and alumnae, townies and townae, pupils and pupae, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
So the office of the President of Princeton University is now open for nominations. But no one thought to nominate Hahvahd President Neil Rudenstein, who is also looking for work. Of course, if Rudenstein did become President of Princeton, he would probably make a few changes to make Princeton feel more like Hahvahd. For example:
- He’d repeal all traffic laws,
- institute an all-tweed dress code,
- change our mascot to ‘the orange,’
- pour all our faculty and monetary resources into the Grad College,
- claim that the Oval with Points is really the statue of John Princeton,
- give the Band a huge endowment ‘hint hint hint,’
- and he’d build a hash bar-but it’s pronounced hash baa.
Forming a little ‘h,’ the Band invites you to rock the hash baa. (Band forms a small ‘h’ and plays “Hahvahdiana”) And now, not pronouncing the letter ‘r’ like:
- Hahvahd,
- Hal Shapio,
- Neil Udenstein,
- ugby, owing, and acketball,
- Toys Us,
- Spite and gape juice,
- get dunk dinking bee and pass out on the floo,
- 2D2,
- statue-toy ape,
- Bussel spouts,
- fatenities and sooities-you know, the Geek system,
- oast beef,
- tombones and dummers,
- and pox cods,
It’s the double-double-otating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, today’s halftime show is dedicated to University President Hal Shapiro, with special guest stars, the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Today we bid a fond farewell to our beloved President, Hal Shapiro. During his time here, President Shapiro approved a ten-percent class size increase and raised over eight billion dollars. But you may not be familiar with some of Hal’s lesser-known accomplishments, such as:
- He won second prize in a beauty contest and collected ten dollars.
- He found a bargain at the U-Store.
- He successfully cured all diseases on campus except for mono and pregnancy.
- He quadrupled the endowment without resorting to renting out the Woodrow Wilson Bedroom in Nassau Hall.
- In direct violation of his own Bioethics Committee, he cloned himself and assumed presidency at McGill University.
- And he raised Princeton to Number One — in terms of scaffolding per capita.
Forming scaffolding, the Band lets you know what we think of Hal Shapiro… he’s pretty fly — for a white guy.
(Band forms scaffolding and plays “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)”)
With Hal Shapiro leaving, everyone is wondering: Who will replace him? The Band has a few suggestions:
- Ralph Nader… we’re predicting he won’t be busy.
- New Folger’s Crystals — let’s see if they notice.
- That big rusty sculpture outside the stadium… so then it’d have a real purpose for being here.
- Amy Fox Kubacki… ’cause it’s her birthday!
- Albert Einstein’s brain… in Brooke Shields’s body.
- Or our best suggestion: Clinton — George Clinton — making the campus a heck of a lot funkier.
Forming Hal Shapiro, the Band reminds you that pretty soon, you won’t be able to call him President Shapiro any more… you can call him Hal.
(Band forms Hal Shapiro’s head and plays “You Can Call Me Al”; trash section holds a 20-yard-long pair of glasses.)
Of course, the most obvious replacement for Hal Shapiro is a certain other unemployed college president, Neil Rudenstein. Then again, Rudenstein couldn’t even do a good job at his own college. This year U.S. News and World Report ranked Princeton as number one above every other college in the nation. Here are some of the reasons Princeton is number one, and Hahvahd is number two:
- Since Hahvahd is 100 years older than Princeton, a much higher percentage of Hahvahd graduates are dead.
- While both schools have a rodent infestation, our cute little squirrels aren’t nearly as bad as Hahvahd students.
- Princeton’s Menendez Brothers weren’t responsible for nearly as many deaths as Hahvahd’s Ted Kaczynski.
- We have the Princeton Band… they have the Hahvahd Band.
- At least our mascot is a noun.
- They pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd… we park our foot in Hahvahd’s rear.
- Because Hahvahd sucks, and Princeton doesn’t.
- But the real reason Princeton is Number One: We have Hal Shapiro.
Saluting Hal Shapiro, and thanking him for all he’s done, the Band reminds him that he’s not the only Hal to have his plug pulled in 2001.
(Band forms concert shell, flashes, and plays “Thus Spake Zarathustra”)
Flashers spell: BRAVO WAYWARD HAL
Anagram to: BLOW HARVARD AWAY
Flip to reveal: OLD NASS KICKS ASS
President Shapiro, please come to the fifty-yard line for a gift from the Band. (Hal Shapiro walks out onto the fifty-yard line; Drum Major puts a hat and blazer on him.) Ladies and gentlemen, Princeton President Hal Shapiro.