Harvard 2003
Princeton at Harvard
October 25th, 2003
Princeton loses 40-43
Pregame
Running onto the field faster that Harvard security, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Bands plays “Cannon”)
In addressing the needs of the Hahvahd students by funding things that take less time out of their busy lives and reduce the need for pesky interpersonal contact, the Hahvahd administration recently issued a statement promoting the practice of asexual reproduction. Here are some of the benefits they publicized:
Forming a little ‘h’ for the little Hahvahdians, the band salutes Hahvahd’s new initiative on asexual reproduction.
(Band forms a little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”)
And now, Making much ado about nothing Measure for measure Making sure that all’s well that ends well With Julius Caesar…Seize her? Hardly even know her! Bringing a plague on both your houses Kicking Hahvahd’s Coriolanus Corrupt with virtuous season Being neither a borrower nor a lender Giving our kingdom for a horse Being such stuff as dreams are made of Doubling, Doubling, toiling and troubling To be or not to Double, Double, Rotating P!
(Band plays “Going Back”)
Run away, band, (some line that the announcer made up on the fly because we forgot to write one — we were kind of busy watching our president getting arrested).
Halftime
There once was a man from Nantucket who had a…Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto the field because they fucked us over and had a presentation that ran late.)
(Movie-trailer announcer voice): In a land where Crimson is king, a storm is brewing. Cap’n Larry Summers encounters fierce resistance from his own faculty and administration. Does this foretell mutiny? In a heartwarming coming-of-age story, professors embark on a journey to transform themselves from tweed-wearing landlubbers to rum-swilling scalawags. As the Law School leads a ragtag crew to wrest the wheel from their president’s scurvy hands, corduroy elbow patches become eye patches. Parrots squawk, “Publish or perish! Gotta get a Nobel! Awk!” And Harvard is decorated with school colors as never before, as innocent bystanders are run through with cutlasses.
Get ready for the motion picture event of the semester as the mutineers attempt to knock Cap’n Summers, but not their students’ grades, below C-level. This movie is rated Arrrrr for: Lust. Passion. Intrigue. And entrails. Entrails. Entrails. Coming soon to a fifth-rate university near you!
(Band forms pile of entrails and plays “Get Ready for This)
(Regular announcer voice): All intrigue aside, Harvard is a great place. Don’t you think so? Harvard certainly does! They’ve decided to give out awards to those who embody the characteristics they most admire in themselves. Recipients of the Harvard Award for Excellence in Mediocrity include:
Forming a trophy, the band plays “Joshua.”
(Band forms trophy and plays “Joshua”)
Run away, band! It’s the John Harvard statue, and he looks peeved!
October 25th, 2003
Princeton loses 40-43
Pregame
Running onto the field faster that Harvard security, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Bands plays “Cannon”)
In addressing the needs of the Hahvahd students by funding things that take less time out of their busy lives and reduce the need for pesky interpersonal contact, the Hahvahd administration recently issued a statement promoting the practice of asexual reproduction. Here are some of the benefits they publicized:
- The tweed never comes off.
- You can’t give yourself any new diseases.
- You’ll cut your cigarette use in half
- You’ll never have to worry about having a small endowment.
- Men can discover the wonders of creation 1st hand… and if that doesn’t work, you can use the 2nd hand.
- It’s never hampered by fatigue or headaches.
- You can create your own personal “mini-you.”
Forming a little ‘h’ for the little Hahvahdians, the band salutes Hahvahd’s new initiative on asexual reproduction.
(Band forms a little ‘h’ and plays “Harvardiana”)
And now, Making much ado about nothing Measure for measure Making sure that all’s well that ends well With Julius Caesar…Seize her? Hardly even know her! Bringing a plague on both your houses Kicking Hahvahd’s Coriolanus Corrupt with virtuous season Being neither a borrower nor a lender Giving our kingdom for a horse Being such stuff as dreams are made of Doubling, Doubling, toiling and troubling To be or not to Double, Double, Rotating P!
(Band plays “Going Back”)
Run away, band, (some line that the announcer made up on the fly because we forgot to write one — we were kind of busy watching our president getting arrested).
Halftime
There once was a man from Nantucket who had a…Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto the field because they fucked us over and had a presentation that ran late.)
(Movie-trailer announcer voice): In a land where Crimson is king, a storm is brewing. Cap’n Larry Summers encounters fierce resistance from his own faculty and administration. Does this foretell mutiny? In a heartwarming coming-of-age story, professors embark on a journey to transform themselves from tweed-wearing landlubbers to rum-swilling scalawags. As the Law School leads a ragtag crew to wrest the wheel from their president’s scurvy hands, corduroy elbow patches become eye patches. Parrots squawk, “Publish or perish! Gotta get a Nobel! Awk!” And Harvard is decorated with school colors as never before, as innocent bystanders are run through with cutlasses.
Get ready for the motion picture event of the semester as the mutineers attempt to knock Cap’n Summers, but not their students’ grades, below C-level. This movie is rated Arrrrr for: Lust. Passion. Intrigue. And entrails. Entrails. Entrails. Coming soon to a fifth-rate university near you!
(Band forms pile of entrails and plays “Get Ready for This)
(Regular announcer voice): All intrigue aside, Harvard is a great place. Don’t you think so? Harvard certainly does! They’ve decided to give out awards to those who embody the characteristics they most admire in themselves. Recipients of the Harvard Award for Excellence in Mediocrity include:
- Double fudge chocolate cake, for being sickeningly rich
- Strom Thurmond, for being racist close-minded, out-dated, and having no life
- Canaries, for producing so many little twits
- The Princeton University Band, for relieving themselves on the John Harvard statue
- The Department of Homeland Security, for making the connection between crimson and very bad things
- A scarecrow, for smiling bravely while having such a large stick up its rear
- The Cubs fan from Game 6, for being hated by millions
- The Boston Red Sox, for being perennial losers
- Joshua Burton, for being here
Forming a trophy, the band plays “Joshua.”
(Band forms trophy and plays “Joshua”)
Run away, band! It’s the John Harvard statue, and he looks peeved!