Harvard 2008
Harvard at Princeton
October 25th, 2008
Princeton loses 20-24
Pregame
Is this thing on? I can’t read it! There’s no words on there! Whatever, we’ll do it live! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
With Halloween almost upon us, Princeton students are finally happy that their wardrobe consists almost entirely of Orange and Black. Students aren’t the only ones getting in to the holiday spirit, though. With the annual Faculty Halloween Party coming up, we thought we’d spill the beans on what some of our favorite faculty members are dressing up as.
Forming a little H for “Halloween”, the Band scoffs at Harvard’s “#1 College in the U.S.” costume and plays “Harvardiana.”
[Band forms little h, plays “Harvardiana”]
And now: Charleston Chew Jolly Ranchers Dots Good & Plenty Apples with Razor Blades in them Popcorn Balls Dental Floss Strawberry Cow Tales A Rock Ring Pops Now & Later Pennies Loose Skittles Halls Cough Drops Werther’s Original and the double-double Rotating Circus Peanuts!!
[Band forms Double-double Rotating P, plays “Going Back”]
Please rise for the playing of the National Anthem. [Band plays National Anthem]
Run away, Band, Harvard wants to know if we happen to have any Grey Poupon!
Halftime
First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest, it’s the Princeton University Band!!
[Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March]
A few months ago, US News and World Report issued another installment of their College Rankings. At first, we thought that Harvard bought every copy of US News and World Report and whited out the 2 next to their name. Of course, when we looked at Harvard’s statistical report, we quickly found the reason why they were ranked #1 this year: they cheated in a number of ways. For example, they:
Be careful with that new mascot of yours, Hahvahd, if you’re not careful, they might get out. If that happens, they’ll certainly…
[Band plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”]
Flashers: MAGIC RED ZEBRA Anagrams to: RAZE CAMBRIDGE Flips to reveal: OLD NASSAU IS #1
Run away, Band! The Homecoming Queen is coming!
October 25th, 2008
Princeton loses 20-24
Pregame
Is this thing on? I can’t read it! There’s no words on there! Whatever, we’ll do it live! It’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
With Halloween almost upon us, Princeton students are finally happy that their wardrobe consists almost entirely of Orange and Black. Students aren’t the only ones getting in to the holiday spirit, though. With the annual Faculty Halloween Party coming up, we thought we’d spill the beans on what some of our favorite faculty members are dressing up as.
- Joyce Carol Oates and Toni Morrison are dressing up as ’80s rap duo Salt-N-Pepa
- Paul Krugman is dressing up in his Nobel Prize. Only his Nobel Prize!
- Cornel West is dressing up in a TWO piece suit
- John Nash isn’t going out for Halloween, he’s mathematically proven that Flag day is a superior holiday
- MAT 201 professor Hossein Namazi is dressing up as… (Spooky Voice) A GHOOOOOST!
- Robbie George is dressing up as a sexy nun
- Public Safety will be dressing up as the Nazgul
- Dean Dunne won’t be going out for Halloween. He’ll be waiting in Prospect Garden for the Great Pumpkin
- And Shirley Tilghman will dress up as Xena, Warrior Princess and fight to the death with Harvard President Drew Gilpenfaust
Forming a little H for “Halloween”, the Band scoffs at Harvard’s “#1 College in the U.S.” costume and plays “Harvardiana.”
[Band forms little h, plays “Harvardiana”]
And now: Charleston Chew Jolly Ranchers Dots Good & Plenty Apples with Razor Blades in them Popcorn Balls Dental Floss Strawberry Cow Tales A Rock Ring Pops Now & Later Pennies Loose Skittles Halls Cough Drops Werther’s Original and the double-double Rotating Circus Peanuts!!
[Band forms Double-double Rotating P, plays “Going Back”]
Please rise for the playing of the National Anthem. [Band plays National Anthem]
Run away, Band, Harvard wants to know if we happen to have any Grey Poupon!
Halftime
First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest, it’s the Princeton University Band!!
[Band marches on playing Princeton Forward March]
A few months ago, US News and World Report issued another installment of their College Rankings. At first, we thought that Harvard bought every copy of US News and World Report and whited out the 2 next to their name. Of course, when we looked at Harvard’s statistical report, we quickly found the reason why they were ranked #1 this year: they cheated in a number of ways. For example, they:
- Increased their student happiness index by allowing students to legally possess more than 2 ounces of tweed
- Boosted their endowment by accepting a sponsorship from Pfizer
- Raised the average GPA by outsourcing all test-taking to MIT
- Drastically reduced the average class size by only counting socially apt students
- Inflated their colleague rating to a 4.3 by telling their rankers that the scale now goes up to 10
- Decreased the student- professor ratio by tenuring the hobos in Harvard Yard
- Doubled the size of their library by buying ANOTHER copy of the Harry Potter book series
- Improved the graduation rate by now offering to sell diplomas up front instead of on the 4 year installment plan
- Upgraded their mascot status from “imaginary” to “semi-fantastic” by changing their previous Crimson to the new, “MAGIC RED ZEBRA”
Be careful with that new mascot of yours, Hahvahd, if you’re not careful, they might get out. If that happens, they’ll certainly…
[Band plays “Also Sprach Zarathustra”]
Flashers: MAGIC RED ZEBRA Anagrams to: RAZE CAMBRIDGE Flips to reveal: OLD NASSAU IS #1
Run away, Band! The Homecoming Queen is coming!