Harvard 2009
Princeton at Harvard
October 24, 2009
Princeton loses 3-37
Pregame:
Making our own sunshine on this cloudy day, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto field)
So McDonalds is in the throes of its yearly Monopoly promotion, and Subway recently kicked off a similar tie-in campaign with Scrabble. Here are some other pending fast-food/board-game cross-promotions:
(Band forms little h, plays “Harvardiana.”)
And now, 2 cups of flour, 2 large eggs, 3 half-cups of brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, A pinch of love, 2 sticks of butter, 1 teaspoon baking soda, Chocolate chips to taste, And an optional cup of double-double-rotating pecans!
(Band forms P, plays Going Back, rotating ensues)
Run away, band—you’re only one Boardwalk game piece away from a million dollars!
Halftime:
Sine my pitty on the runny kine, it’s the Princeton University Band!
So, how about that elimination of hot breakfasts at House dining halls? It must be so hard to start your day without your usual toasty caviar-cakes, or a big steaming Faberge omelette. But don’t worry, Harvard, we’ve got some suggestions for how to bring warmth back into your day during the winter season:
(The band forms a bow (with caution-tape string) and arrow (of trash players) and plays “Robin Hood.” Near the end of the song, the string is pulled back and then released. The arrow runs across the field and strikes the goalpost.)
“There once was a man from Nantucket” Aw, take that old opening and chuck it We’d rather berate The rest of the state And if you don’t like that, then… don’t listen. There was a team that wore red socks But played as though they all wore Crocs In terms of good stats You’ve still got the Pats But your baseballers really suck… at baseball At least Bay State folk have their pick Of how to feel better when sick Since their pot supplies Are decrim’nalized Harvard chaps can suck bongs ‘stead of… ineffective pain medications That said, we admire how Mass- -achusetts' gay marriage laws passed Now Henry and Hugh Can proclaim “I do” With a smooch and a slap on the… knee or back Saluting the number of times we’ve actually used profanity this show, the band plays “In a Young Man’s Mind,” and forms a great big pair of zeros.
(The band forms boobies and cuts off the announcer’s last word as it begins to play “In A Young Man’s Mind”)
Run away, band! I thought you were GRAND.
October 24, 2009
Princeton loses 3-37
Pregame:
Making our own sunshine on this cloudy day, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto field)
So McDonalds is in the throes of its yearly Monopoly promotion, and Subway recently kicked off a similar tie-in campaign with Scrabble. Here are some other pending fast-food/board-game cross-promotions:
- White Castle is working with Sorry. As in, “We are so, so sorry.”
- Arby’s is working with Clue—try to guess what animal your roast beef ACTUALLY comes from!
- Taco Bell is working with Risk, saluting what customers take with every bite.
- KFC is working with Operation, saluting what customers will need after every meal.
- Burger King is working with Trouble, in an attempt to make light of the trespassing and stalking allegations recently leveled against their mascot.
- The sketchy downtown Chinese place is working with Mousetrap, for reasons nobody is comfortable asking about.
(Band forms little h, plays “Harvardiana.”)
And now, 2 cups of flour, 2 large eggs, 3 half-cups of brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, A pinch of love, 2 sticks of butter, 1 teaspoon baking soda, Chocolate chips to taste, And an optional cup of double-double-rotating pecans!
(Band forms P, plays Going Back, rotating ensues)
Run away, band—you’re only one Boardwalk game piece away from a million dollars!
Halftime:
Sine my pitty on the runny kine, it’s the Princeton University Band!
So, how about that elimination of hot breakfasts at House dining halls? It must be so hard to start your day without your usual toasty caviar-cakes, or a big steaming Faberge omelette. But don’t worry, Harvard, we’ve got some suggestions for how to bring warmth back into your day during the winter season:
- Instead of 2-articles-of-clothing parties, try 20-articles-of-clothing parties
- Issue snuggies instead of graduation gowns
- Pahk your cahs on the Hahvahd Yahd, then idle them for hours on end
- Change your SI temperature unit to Fahrenheit, so everything SEEMS hotter
- Let out some of the hot air that’s causing all your grade inflation
- Ban shaving
- Tell your bio department to start breeding fire-breathing dragons. Or at least fire-breathing dragonflies.
- Give cash rewards for fire safety violations
- Assign a hobo snuggle-buddy to every student
- Buy some Hot Wheels and Hot Pockets at the local Hot Topic… while wearing hot pants?
- Have your president make a Faustian bargain: her soul should be good for a few Jimmy Deans
(The band forms a bow (with caution-tape string) and arrow (of trash players) and plays “Robin Hood.” Near the end of the song, the string is pulled back and then released. The arrow runs across the field and strikes the goalpost.)
“There once was a man from Nantucket” Aw, take that old opening and chuck it We’d rather berate The rest of the state And if you don’t like that, then… don’t listen. There was a team that wore red socks But played as though they all wore Crocs In terms of good stats You’ve still got the Pats But your baseballers really suck… at baseball At least Bay State folk have their pick Of how to feel better when sick Since their pot supplies Are decrim’nalized Harvard chaps can suck bongs ‘stead of… ineffective pain medications That said, we admire how Mass- -achusetts' gay marriage laws passed Now Henry and Hugh Can proclaim “I do” With a smooch and a slap on the… knee or back Saluting the number of times we’ve actually used profanity this show, the band plays “In a Young Man’s Mind,” and forms a great big pair of zeros.
(The band forms boobies and cuts off the announcer’s last word as it begins to play “In A Young Man’s Mind”)
Run away, band! I thought you were GRAND.
