Harvard 2011
Princeton at Harvard
October 22nd, 2011
Princeton loses 39-56
Pregame:
Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
Recently, a 100-year-old man completed a marathon, making him the oldest man ever to do so. Even more absurdly, a pregnant woman finished one, then went into labor almost immediately after. These are just two in a long list of impressive feats in the history of marathons.
(Band forms lowercase H, plays “Harvardiana”)
And now…
(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away, Band. This was Ted Kennedy’s state!
Halftime:
Dan Mavraides will inbound. Looking inside, goes out. Here’s Davis. Davis for the win…he’s got it! Princeton is going to the NCAA Tournament! And so did the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
This past week, both Princeton and Harvard announced speakers for graduation in June. Steve Carell will be at Princeton’s Class Day, and Fareed Zakaria will talk at Harvard’s commencement. We think we got the better end of that deal, and here’s why:
(Band forms disinterested face, plays “The Impression that I Get”)
We heard that Harvard celebrated a birthday recently: the big 3-7-5. So we thought we’d write you a birthday card.
Dear Harvard,
Happy birthday! Man, 375 years old. We know that 50 is over the hill, but 375 is over the hill, through the woods, to grandmother’s house, and finding out she’s been eaten by a wolf. Maybe we can call you Little Crimson Riding Hood – but nah, Crimson just sounds kind of lame. We always rag on you for having such a non-mascot, but now we kind of understand. 375 years ago, you only had time to pick a color: you were too busy burning witches. But now you should be afraid of other rabble-rousers. After all, Harvard is America’s oldest corporation. That’s the truth. Speaking of truth, don’t you think it’s time to change your motto? Right now, it’s VERITAS, or Truth. But you’re 375 years old. It’s about time you picked dare. Although I guess it was pretty daring to have a cake with 375 candles on it. It’s a wonder that Cambridge didn’t burn down! Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing.
But there are perks to getting old. You can tell us to get off your yahd. You can replace hot breakfast by using the senior discount at Denny’s. And we’ve decided to get you a present! For when you can’t get up, it’s viable as a solution – Life Alert!
Forming Harvard’s reputation screaming “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”, the band plays “Wipe Out.”
(Band forms person who has fallen and can’t get up, that also gets decapitated – that was the idea of the people in the head who felt left out of the fun moving parts of the formation – and plays “Wipe Out”)
Run away, Band. The Harvard Band wants a sponge bath!
October 22nd, 2011
Princeton loses 39-56
Pregame:
Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
Recently, a 100-year-old man completed a marathon, making him the oldest man ever to do so. Even more absurdly, a pregnant woman finished one, then went into labor almost immediately after. These are just two in a long list of impressive feats in the history of marathons.
- Most people know that the very term “marathon” was coined because of Pheidippides, who ran 26.2 miles from Marathon to Athens to announce the Greek victory over the Persians, before he collapsed and died. But few people know who ran the second marathon – the guy who had to carry his body 26.2 miles back to Athens.
- Jon Huntsman is running marathons to get from place to place while campaigning in New Hampshire, because he can’t afford a bus.
- The tortoise and the hare participated in a marathon. Before either could finish, they both got trampled by the humans also participating.
- Mitt Romney ran a marathon…of his favorite show, Big Love.
- One particularly active three-toed sloth ambled 26.2 miles over its lifetime.
- Steven Hawking rolled a marathon in a time so long, it could be called a Brief History.
- One time, someone who wasn’t Kenyan won a marathon. Just kidding, that would never happen.
- Ron Jeremy ran a three-legged marathon, and unsurprisingly, he came last.
- Kim Kardashian participated in a charity marathon for ingrown toenail awareness.
- Everyone who has ever participated in the Boston Marathon was simply trying to get out of Boston.
(Band forms lowercase H, plays “Harvardiana”)
And now…
- Mel Gibson
- Tom Brady
- Kevin James
- The Wayans Brothers
- Charlotte Bronte
- Reese Witherspoon, again
- Chris Brown
- Billy Ray Cyrus
- Shia Labeouf
- Justin Bieber
- Oprah
- Lindsay Lohan
- Reese Witherspoon, a third time
- Russell Crowe
- The Jonas Brothers
- Muammar Gaddafi – ooh, too soon
- Voldemort
- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
(Band forms Double-Double-Rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away, Band. This was Ted Kennedy’s state!
Halftime:
Dan Mavraides will inbound. Looking inside, goes out. Here’s Davis. Davis for the win…he’s got it! Princeton is going to the NCAA Tournament! And so did the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
This past week, both Princeton and Harvard announced speakers for graduation in June. Steve Carell will be at Princeton’s Class Day, and Fareed Zakaria will talk at Harvard’s commencement. We think we got the better end of that deal, and here’s why:
- Steve Carell played a 40-year-old virgin. Zakaria is one.
- Steve Carell played meteorologist Brick Tamland, a news anchor people know more than Zakaria.
- Similarly, more people got their news from Carell’s bits on the Daily Show than Zakaria’s actual news show on CNN. (Line cut for time)
- Steve Carell didn’t go to Yale. Fareed Zakaria did.
- Zakaria has also come at Yale’s graduation speech previously. That’s what she said.
- Steve Carell has a Golden Globe award, and 47 other various nominations. Zakaria hasn’t even been in a movie.
- Steve Carell is the world’s greatest boss. Fareed Zakaria is the world’s most mediocre anchor.
- In high school, Steve Carell was voted funniest class member. Zakaria was voted least likely to ever intentionally make somebody laugh.
- Steve Carell is an internationally recognized comedian. Fareed Zakaria resembles a nationally occasionally recognized supposed comedian, George Lopez.
- Also, Fareed kind of looks like a broccoli.
- Carell’s wife is a very talented lady, as evidence by the movies she’s appeared in. Fareed’s wife is a very talented lady, based on the movies she’s appeared in.
- Carell’s mom is very intelligent. Fareed Zakaria’s mom is so dumb, she stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate. (Line cut for time)
- You can’t spell Carell without care. You can’t spell Zakaria without BORING.
(Band forms disinterested face, plays “The Impression that I Get”)
We heard that Harvard celebrated a birthday recently: the big 3-7-5. So we thought we’d write you a birthday card.
Dear Harvard,
Happy birthday! Man, 375 years old. We know that 50 is over the hill, but 375 is over the hill, through the woods, to grandmother’s house, and finding out she’s been eaten by a wolf. Maybe we can call you Little Crimson Riding Hood – but nah, Crimson just sounds kind of lame. We always rag on you for having such a non-mascot, but now we kind of understand. 375 years ago, you only had time to pick a color: you were too busy burning witches. But now you should be afraid of other rabble-rousers. After all, Harvard is America’s oldest corporation. That’s the truth. Speaking of truth, don’t you think it’s time to change your motto? Right now, it’s VERITAS, or Truth. But you’re 375 years old. It’s about time you picked dare. Although I guess it was pretty daring to have a cake with 375 candles on it. It’s a wonder that Cambridge didn’t burn down! Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing.
But there are perks to getting old. You can tell us to get off your yahd. You can replace hot breakfast by using the senior discount at Denny’s. And we’ve decided to get you a present! For when you can’t get up, it’s viable as a solution – Life Alert!
Forming Harvard’s reputation screaming “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”, the band plays “Wipe Out.”
(Band forms person who has fallen and can’t get up, that also gets decapitated – that was the idea of the people in the head who felt left out of the fun moving parts of the formation – and plays “Wipe Out”)
Run away, Band. The Harvard Band wants a sponge bath!
