Lehigh 2000
Lehigh at Princeton
September 23rd, 2000
Princeton loses 18-20
Pregame
Just when you thought it was safe to return to the Stadium, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
After talking you out of 1.14 billion dollars of your hard-earned money, University President Hal Shapiro announced his resignation yesterday. According to the Daily Princetonian, Hal wants to devote more time to teaching. But Band sources have discovered the real reasons Hal has decided to leave:
Forming a little ‘l,’ for Lehigh, the band pays tribute to Hal’s new hometown.
(Band forms a lower-case ‘l,’ plays “O Little Town of Bethelehem”)
And now, staying in Princeton, unlike:
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back.”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, gallivanting onto the field like a herd of deranged… hold on, hold on, I gotta say something. We have been here since 1:30 for the kick-off. Where the hell were all of you? In the future, please try to be on time. It’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Here at Princeton, class has begun again, and with it, the ultimate game of endurance: Freshman Class Survivor! Let’s see how our contestants are doing:
Forming an island, the Band wanted to play “I Will Survive” … but we didn’t have the music. So instead we’ll play “Eye of the Tiger” by the band Survivor. Get it?
(Band forms an island and plays “Eye of the Tiger”)
Moving from extinguishing torches to lighting them, this winter the world gets to witness the 2000 Summer Olympic Games. Here are some games the International Olympic Committee decided not to include:
Saluting our favorite event, the breast stroke, the Band forms an Olympic torch.
(Band forms a torch, which lights, and plays “Great Balls of Fire”)
And what better place to watch the Olympics than on the big-screen TV at the brand-new Frist Campus Center! It’s all part of a continuing plot to eliminate the name of Palmer from the Princeton community. The final step will be the renaming of Palmer Square, thanks to a large donation by alumnus John Tienanman, class of ’89. John, tanks a lot! And what does the future hold for the Frist Campus Center?
Forming a Princeton shield, the Band acknowledges that none of this is ever going to happen… because next fall, the Frist Campus Center is slated to become a Classics library.
(Band forms a Princeton shield and plays “Tiger Rag”)
Look out, Band! It’s Albert Einstein, back from the dead… and he wants to know what the hell you’ve done with his building.
September 23rd, 2000
Princeton loses 18-20
Pregame
Just when you thought it was safe to return to the Stadium, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
After talking you out of 1.14 billion dollars of your hard-earned money, University President Hal Shapiro announced his resignation yesterday. According to the Daily Princetonian, Hal wants to devote more time to teaching. But Band sources have discovered the real reasons Hal has decided to leave:
- He’s accepted a job as a superintellient computer on NASA’s next mission to Jupiter.
- He was forced to resign because of the FitzRandolphGate Scandal.
- He didn’t choose to leave; he was voted off.
- He took one look at the Frist Campus Center, and boom! He was outta there.
- After Janina was gone, he just couldn’t take the loneliness.
- Two words: Beverage Lab.
- He couldn’t stand that giant rusty hunk of metal outside the Stadium either.
- Too much rain!
- He’s really trading places with his twin brother in a wacky new sitcom on the WB.
- But really, the offer from Lehigh was just too sweet.
Forming a little ‘l,’ for Lehigh, the band pays tribute to Hal’s new hometown.
(Band forms a lower-case ‘l,’ plays “O Little Town of Bethelehem”)
And now, staying in Princeton, unlike:
- John F. Kennedy,
- the nude olympics,
- the Mercer Oak,
- Harry’s Luncheonette,
- F. Scott Fitzgerald,
- the old guys at Rialto Barbershop,
- Key & Seal Club,
- Coach Carmody,
- the cool parties above Blair Arch,
- Lupins,
- Janina Montero,
- Einstein Bagel,
- and the bloody redcoats,
It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back.”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”)
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, gallivanting onto the field like a herd of deranged… hold on, hold on, I gotta say something. We have been here since 1:30 for the kick-off. Where the hell were all of you? In the future, please try to be on time. It’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Here at Princeton, class has begun again, and with it, the ultimate game of endurance: Freshman Class Survivor! Let’s see how our contestants are doing:
- Before arriving at Princeton, PJ was told he could bring one luxury item. He chose to bring a U-Haul truck, filled with other luxury items. Unfortunately, PJ was assigned to a single in Butler… so there go PJ’s luxury items!
- Meet Hal. Hal ate nothing but squirrels for the first few days. Then he discovered the freshman dining halls… and soon went back to eating squirrels.
- Then there’s Spencer. On his first day, Spencer discovered high-speed Internet porn and was never heard from again.
- It looked like our big winner was going to be Janina, who walked around naked on her birthday… but then she was kicked out for perpetuating the Nude Olympics. Sorry, Janina. Have fun at Brown.
Forming an island, the Band wanted to play “I Will Survive” … but we didn’t have the music. So instead we’ll play “Eye of the Tiger” by the band Survivor. Get it?
(Band forms an island and plays “Eye of the Tiger”)
Moving from extinguishing torches to lighting them, this winter the world gets to witness the 2000 Summer Olympic Games. Here are some games the International Olympic Committee decided not to include:
- sumo kayaking
- the Prospect 11
- cookie-tossing, which usually follows the Prospect 11
- the ‘Wa run
- the Forbes-to-E-Quad marathon
- women’s synchronized trips to the bathroom
- Ivy League football
- the parallel bar… mitzvah
- TV/VCR repair (or get your degree)
- and in an unlikely merger between gymnastics and equestrian, pummeling a horse.
Saluting our favorite event, the breast stroke, the Band forms an Olympic torch.
(Band forms a torch, which lights, and plays “Great Balls of Fire”)
And what better place to watch the Olympics than on the big-screen TV at the brand-new Frist Campus Center! It’s all part of a continuing plot to eliminate the name of Palmer from the Princeton community. The final step will be the renaming of Palmer Square, thanks to a large donation by alumnus John Tienanman, class of ’89. John, tanks a lot! And what does the future hold for the Frist Campus Center?
- The Class of 2050 will finally figure out how to open the damn mailboxes.
- The administration will force the multipurpose room to choose a single purpose, though it can still get a certificate in another purpose.
- The Mongolian grill will take over the entire cafeteria… then all of Europe!
- Construction will be completed on the monorail or aqueduct or Stonehenge or whatever the hell that thing in front is.
- And in an effort to curb underage drinking, alcohol initiative money will fund the building of a hash bar.
Forming a Princeton shield, the Band acknowledges that none of this is ever going to happen… because next fall, the Frist Campus Center is slated to become a Classics library.
(Band forms a Princeton shield and plays “Tiger Rag”)
Look out, Band! It’s Albert Einstein, back from the dead… and he wants to know what the hell you’ve done with his building.
