Penn 1986
Princeton vs. Penn
November 1st, 1986
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a really extensive gander.
“Princeton Forward”
It’s true that Ben Franklin found the University of Pennsylvania, but like most things we find in the gutter, we wouldn’t want to take it home to meet mom and dad. You never know where it’s been. Actually, we do know where Penn has been — because it really gets around. Penn admits almost anyone. (Pause) No, we apologize, Penn let’s everyone in. Compared to Princeton’s stringent entrance requirements, Penn’s policy of taking them as they come is mighty friendly, but the Band wonders just what bonds the Ivy League together.
“James Bond Theme” (Band forms glue stick)
Hey Band, look sharp. You’re on T.V. (Band fixes hair.) That’s right, the entire nation is watching this game, so you have to look your best. After all, many Princetonians have been on TV before, and you wouldn’t want to put actors like Wayne Rogers, Jimmy Stewart, and the Big Fig to shame. However, Pennsylvania Community College also has to live up to the reputation of these alumni: Sean and Madonna Penn, Godzilla, Jane his wife, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo, the Ty-D-Bowl Man, Boris and Natasha, the smurfs, Francis the talking mule, GI Joe with Kung Fu grip, and starring Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
“Hawaii 5-0” (Band forms ‘TV’)
Ding Dong. (Band screams “Trick or Treat”) Want some candy, little band? What lovely costumes you’re wearing. What are you dressed up as? The Great Pumpkin? No. Are you Jack-o-lanterns? No, your heads aren’t empty like Penn’s. Are you candy corn? No, candy corns taste good, but you have great taste. Are you the Penn “State School” Band dressed up as the Princeton Band? No, that’s far too clever for Penn. Well then, you must be dressed up as the amazing, half-off, bigger than a bread box, barely, take no vacations and no prisoners, aren’t you glad you got in, Princeton University Band. Forming a ghost on the field, the Band asks the musical questions:
a) What do ghosts and witches dress up as on Halloween?
b) How did the headless horseman bob for apples?
c) Do Penn students need to wear masks on Halloween?
d) Why is Penn in the Ivy League?
e) Why?
f) The Penn Band, and
g) Why not?
“Another One Bites the Dust” (Band forms a ghost)
The Band now voluntarily forsakes innuendo, and out the door. Everyone at Penn is either ugly or stupid, and some go both ways. Not all of them are sexually deviant; several have normal, healthy relationships, though most have nothing at all. But there’s one thing that no one at Penn has, a Big Three Championship. That one is ours, and they’re not even in the running. Forming a bonfire, the Band says, “Give us Yale” and “To Hell with the U of P.”
“Cannon” (Band forms a bonfire)
November 1st, 1986
Outcome Unknown
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a really extensive gander.
“Princeton Forward”
It’s true that Ben Franklin found the University of Pennsylvania, but like most things we find in the gutter, we wouldn’t want to take it home to meet mom and dad. You never know where it’s been. Actually, we do know where Penn has been — because it really gets around. Penn admits almost anyone. (Pause) No, we apologize, Penn let’s everyone in. Compared to Princeton’s stringent entrance requirements, Penn’s policy of taking them as they come is mighty friendly, but the Band wonders just what bonds the Ivy League together.
“James Bond Theme” (Band forms glue stick)
Hey Band, look sharp. You’re on T.V. (Band fixes hair.) That’s right, the entire nation is watching this game, so you have to look your best. After all, many Princetonians have been on TV before, and you wouldn’t want to put actors like Wayne Rogers, Jimmy Stewart, and the Big Fig to shame. However, Pennsylvania Community College also has to live up to the reputation of these alumni: Sean and Madonna Penn, Godzilla, Jane his wife, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo, the Ty-D-Bowl Man, Boris and Natasha, the smurfs, Francis the talking mule, GI Joe with Kung Fu grip, and starring Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
“Hawaii 5-0” (Band forms ‘TV’)
Ding Dong. (Band screams “Trick or Treat”) Want some candy, little band? What lovely costumes you’re wearing. What are you dressed up as? The Great Pumpkin? No. Are you Jack-o-lanterns? No, your heads aren’t empty like Penn’s. Are you candy corn? No, candy corns taste good, but you have great taste. Are you the Penn “State School” Band dressed up as the Princeton Band? No, that’s far too clever for Penn. Well then, you must be dressed up as the amazing, half-off, bigger than a bread box, barely, take no vacations and no prisoners, aren’t you glad you got in, Princeton University Band. Forming a ghost on the field, the Band asks the musical questions:
a) What do ghosts and witches dress up as on Halloween?
b) How did the headless horseman bob for apples?
c) Do Penn students need to wear masks on Halloween?
d) Why is Penn in the Ivy League?
e) Why?
f) The Penn Band, and
g) Why not?
“Another One Bites the Dust” (Band forms a ghost)
The Band now voluntarily forsakes innuendo, and out the door. Everyone at Penn is either ugly or stupid, and some go both ways. Not all of them are sexually deviant; several have normal, healthy relationships, though most have nothing at all. But there’s one thing that no one at Penn has, a Big Three Championship. That one is ours, and they’re not even in the running. Forming a bonfire, the Band says, “Give us Yale” and “To Hell with the U of P.”
“Cannon” (Band forms a bonfire)
