penn 1991
Princeton vs. Penn
November 9th, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Conga’ing onto the field like a bunch of Brazilian pygmies, it’s the Princeton University Band. Surprise, Janice; this is your worst nightmare come true.
“Princeton Cannon Song” (Band congas in endzone, then marches on, with lines turning in random directions)
Our president, Janice Johnston, has graced the Band with her cute, fuzzy presence for four years, and we’d like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to her. Hey, remember that time freshman year with the three lacrosse players and the bottle of paint thinner?... Oh, sorry; we forgot that your parents are here today - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Johnston! If there are any Penn law school admissions officers in the stands today, watch Janice closely as she struts her stuff on the field, because if she doesn’t get into her first sixty-nine choices, she may have to go to Penn.
Saluting the Penn law school, the Band plays that song that gets on everybody’s nerves.
“Hang Jeff” (Band forms a small ‘p’)
And now, it’s the:
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating Chainsaw)
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a clean and tasteful look at romance in the ’90s.
“Princeton Forward"
Let’s start with the basics. It’s been the driving force from the Supreme Being to the Supreme Court, the Big Bang to the Big Success of the latex industry, and it’s the reason you’re all here today. No, it’s not Ivy League football; it’s sex. (Band forms ‘SEX’) According to Freud, your id is primal urges, while your ego is your conscious mind. Your id says, “Yes, yes!” while your ego says, “Forty bucks!” With this near-overpowering surge of hormones, this looks like a job for SUPEREGO. Quick, Band — think about baseball! “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” (‘SEX’ changes to ‘SOX’) And now for a lesson in romance that Penn students sorely need. Dinner at a fine restaurant and a walk on the beach is romantic; a cheesesteak with peppers and onions and a brisk walk through 30th Street Station is not. Nibbling on the ear of your lover can be sensual; sticking your tongue up his/her nose is not. When serenading your beloved, we recommend the soothing accompaniment of a mellow saxophone (saxes play riff from “Bolero”); not a tuba (tubas play riff from “Hail to the Chief”). Forming a heart on the field, the Band reminds you to take your date to the Academy of Music, and not to a place in West Philly where they play music like this: “Stripper”
(Band forms a heart)
In this day and age, no discussion of romance would be complete without mentioning safety. Penn has been distributing contraceptives to all students, bringing new meaning to the term “safety school.” But they found this unnecessary, as Penn students are forced to practice the safest method of all: abstinence. With the extra condoms they’ve saved, Penn students have been cheering up underprivileged children in the area by making balloon animals, leaving behind some very confused children. However, we know that the safest relationship of all is a monogamous one. Forming monogamy on the field, the Band does its best to get everyone “In the Mood.”
“In The Mood” (Band forms monogamous pairs randomly scattered on the field)
Remember: sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it doesn’t involve a Penn undergrad.
November 9th, 1991
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Conga’ing onto the field like a bunch of Brazilian pygmies, it’s the Princeton University Band. Surprise, Janice; this is your worst nightmare come true.
“Princeton Cannon Song” (Band congas in endzone, then marches on, with lines turning in random directions)
Our president, Janice Johnston, has graced the Band with her cute, fuzzy presence for four years, and we’d like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to her. Hey, remember that time freshman year with the three lacrosse players and the bottle of paint thinner?... Oh, sorry; we forgot that your parents are here today - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Johnston! If there are any Penn law school admissions officers in the stands today, watch Janice closely as she struts her stuff on the field, because if she doesn’t get into her first sixty-nine choices, she may have to go to Penn.
Saluting the Penn law school, the Band plays that song that gets on everybody’s nerves.
“Hang Jeff” (Band forms a small ‘p’)
And now, it’s the:
- Battery-operated,
- Diarrhea of the mouth,
- Hey, is that Lyle mooning the state trooper?
- Get Janice arrested,
- Hey Janice, watch your spleen,
- So how did you get mononucleosis anyways?
- She may sing show tunes on the bus, but at least she doesn’t play cards,
- rewoT rewoT,
- Would you like another pitcher of Ribalds?
- Fuzzy, like the pizza she ate off the floor,
- Penn law school can use a woman like Janice,
- Another high-powered tool, it’s the Single-Double Rotating Chainsaw!
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Rotating Chainsaw)
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a clean and tasteful look at romance in the ’90s.
“Princeton Forward"
Let’s start with the basics. It’s been the driving force from the Supreme Being to the Supreme Court, the Big Bang to the Big Success of the latex industry, and it’s the reason you’re all here today. No, it’s not Ivy League football; it’s sex. (Band forms ‘SEX’) According to Freud, your id is primal urges, while your ego is your conscious mind. Your id says, “Yes, yes!” while your ego says, “Forty bucks!” With this near-overpowering surge of hormones, this looks like a job for SUPEREGO. Quick, Band — think about baseball! “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” (‘SEX’ changes to ‘SOX’) And now for a lesson in romance that Penn students sorely need. Dinner at a fine restaurant and a walk on the beach is romantic; a cheesesteak with peppers and onions and a brisk walk through 30th Street Station is not. Nibbling on the ear of your lover can be sensual; sticking your tongue up his/her nose is not. When serenading your beloved, we recommend the soothing accompaniment of a mellow saxophone (saxes play riff from “Bolero”); not a tuba (tubas play riff from “Hail to the Chief”). Forming a heart on the field, the Band reminds you to take your date to the Academy of Music, and not to a place in West Philly where they play music like this: “Stripper”
(Band forms a heart)
In this day and age, no discussion of romance would be complete without mentioning safety. Penn has been distributing contraceptives to all students, bringing new meaning to the term “safety school.” But they found this unnecessary, as Penn students are forced to practice the safest method of all: abstinence. With the extra condoms they’ve saved, Penn students have been cheering up underprivileged children in the area by making balloon animals, leaving behind some very confused children. However, we know that the safest relationship of all is a monogamous one. Forming monogamy on the field, the Band does its best to get everyone “In the Mood.”
“In The Mood” (Band forms monogamous pairs randomly scattered on the field)
Remember: sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it doesn’t involve a Penn undergrad.