Penn 1992
Princeton vs. Penn
November 7th, 1992
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Dropping onto the field like the 82nd airborne, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Announcer is replaced by “out of town” Drum Major)
Hi doub! Today, we’ve replaced the Princeton Drum Major with Folger’s crystals. Let’s see what happens.
“Princeton Cannon Song” (Band marches out, then marches back into the endzone. Drums surround Doug.)
We’d like to welcome our friends from Penn, the nursery school of the Ivy League. Let’s take a look at what Penn students study: safety pins, safety razors, and safety belts. Upperclass students move on to advanced topics including: Crash Test Dummies 305 (With its grueling lab requirement), The History of Speed Bumps, and Fundamentals of Training Wheels. True, their studies don’t prepare them for the job market, but remember: you go to a vocational school to learn a vocation; you go to a safety school to learn safety.
“Hang Jeff” (Band forms a small ‘d’)
Oh no, Band. You formed the ‘p’ upside-down.
We’d like to take this opportunity to pay a tribute to our illustrious president, Doug “Get Doug Arrested” Natelson. We gave Doug a stress test, and found these top ten things which stress him out. And now, it’s the:
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Pulsating, Throbbing Vein in Doug’s Neck)
Hey Doug: did you know “gullible” only has seven letters?
Halftime
Hey, Penn Band: don’t quit your day jobs. And now for something completely different: it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward”
The other day the Band was deeply disappointed to hear that the Penn Veterinary School was considering closing its doors…forever. What could have led to this tragedy? Maybe it was the suspicious number of cheesesteak vendors springing up nearby. Or the strange open graves in the local pet cemetery. Of course, the Veterinary School has been going downhill ever since Jeffrey Dahmer was forced to leave his directorship. Then there’s the rumor that Millie, the White House dog, is suing for malpractice after she was accidentally spayed during a routine root canal operation. But we know the real reason: it’s just another sign of Penn’s decline — it’s just a case of rats fleeing a sinking ship.
“Mickey Mouse March” (Band forms mouse ears)
In its infinite wisdom, the University has proposed a four-year residential college system. Oh joy. We’ve been pondering what this will mean for Princeton. When they divide up the buildings, who takes Spelman, who takes the slums, and who takes it for four years in the But? And of course there’s always Shapiro College: it’s only open on alternate Mondays between 8:30 and 8:45 am. And what will become of all those abandoned buildings on Prospect Avenue? Can you trade four clubs for a hotel? Saluting two more years of screwing your roommate, the Band asks: When you’re having this much fun, why stop at four years?
“Rock Around the Clock” (Band forms ‘4’)
The Band just finished filling out its senior survey and felt there were some important questions left unasked. So please participate in our own survey by turning to page 69 in your game program. Here are the questions:
1. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned at Princeton?
a) Ross Perot is really short.
b) Avoid stained glass windows when naked.
c) McCosh is right: Sudafed can cure cancer.
2. Have you tried drugs?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Huh?
3. What’s the best way to pass at Princeton?
a) Study
b) Cheat
c) Eat lots of fiber
d) Pray
e)
f) the Penn Band
Selecting our only option, the Band salutes the power of prayer.
“When the Saints Go Marching In” (Band forms a halo)
Well, the election’s come and gone, leaving two new additions to the unemployment line. In the wake of their catastrophic defeat, the Band would like to offer our suggestions on where they can go and what they can do with themselves.
Ross Perot can:
Saluting these election losers, the Band plays “Birdland.”
“Birdland” (Band forms concert shell) And remember what they always say about Princeton and Penn: Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugly cuts right to the bone.
November 7th, 1992
Outcome Unknown
Pregame
Dropping onto the field like the 82nd airborne, it’s the Princeton University Band.
(Announcer is replaced by “out of town” Drum Major)
Hi doub! Today, we’ve replaced the Princeton Drum Major with Folger’s crystals. Let’s see what happens.
“Princeton Cannon Song” (Band marches out, then marches back into the endzone. Drums surround Doug.)
We’d like to welcome our friends from Penn, the nursery school of the Ivy League. Let’s take a look at what Penn students study: safety pins, safety razors, and safety belts. Upperclass students move on to advanced topics including: Crash Test Dummies 305 (With its grueling lab requirement), The History of Speed Bumps, and Fundamentals of Training Wheels. True, their studies don’t prepare them for the job market, but remember: you go to a vocational school to learn a vocation; you go to a safety school to learn safety.
“Hang Jeff” (Band forms a small ‘d’)
Oh no, Band. You formed the ‘p’ upside-down.
We’d like to take this opportunity to pay a tribute to our illustrious president, Doug “Get Doug Arrested” Natelson. We gave Doug a stress test, and found these top ten things which stress him out. And now, it’s the:
- The check’s in the mail,
- Mooning state troopers,
- Lyle going for beers with the Columbia band during the parade,
- You guys don’t need to go on road trips, do you?
- Finding our way through Worcester,
- Doug, the Band’s entropy is 2% higher than the model,
- Band taking the subway through New York,
- The Back nine on the bus,
- Joyce, cut it, Joyce; and
- Fake weddings,
- (Don’t have an aneurism, Doug; it’s almost over),
- The mother of all presidents,
- Single-Double Pulsating, Throbbing Vein in Doug’s Neck!
“Going Back” (Band forms Single-Double Pulsating, Throbbing Vein in Doug’s Neck)
Hey Doug: did you know “gullible” only has seven letters?
Halftime
Hey, Penn Band: don’t quit your day jobs. And now for something completely different: it’s the Princeton University Band.
“Princeton Forward”
The other day the Band was deeply disappointed to hear that the Penn Veterinary School was considering closing its doors…forever. What could have led to this tragedy? Maybe it was the suspicious number of cheesesteak vendors springing up nearby. Or the strange open graves in the local pet cemetery. Of course, the Veterinary School has been going downhill ever since Jeffrey Dahmer was forced to leave his directorship. Then there’s the rumor that Millie, the White House dog, is suing for malpractice after she was accidentally spayed during a routine root canal operation. But we know the real reason: it’s just another sign of Penn’s decline — it’s just a case of rats fleeing a sinking ship.
“Mickey Mouse March” (Band forms mouse ears)
In its infinite wisdom, the University has proposed a four-year residential college system. Oh joy. We’ve been pondering what this will mean for Princeton. When they divide up the buildings, who takes Spelman, who takes the slums, and who takes it for four years in the But? And of course there’s always Shapiro College: it’s only open on alternate Mondays between 8:30 and 8:45 am. And what will become of all those abandoned buildings on Prospect Avenue? Can you trade four clubs for a hotel? Saluting two more years of screwing your roommate, the Band asks: When you’re having this much fun, why stop at four years?
“Rock Around the Clock” (Band forms ‘4’)
The Band just finished filling out its senior survey and felt there were some important questions left unasked. So please participate in our own survey by turning to page 69 in your game program. Here are the questions:
1. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned at Princeton?
a) Ross Perot is really short.
b) Avoid stained glass windows when naked.
c) McCosh is right: Sudafed can cure cancer.
2. Have you tried drugs?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Huh?
3. What’s the best way to pass at Princeton?
a) Study
b) Cheat
c) Eat lots of fiber
d) Pray
e)
f) the Penn Band
Selecting our only option, the Band salutes the power of prayer.
“When the Saints Go Marching In” (Band forms a halo)
Well, the election’s come and gone, leaving two new additions to the unemployment line. In the wake of their catastrophic defeat, the Band would like to offer our suggestions on where they can go and what they can do with themselves.
- do domestic cleaning (he’s always wanted to clean the House).
- live off Millie’s royalties.
- get a job as a professional lip-reader.
- campaign for Quayle in ’94.
- take a long vacation in Kennebunkport…oh wait, he’s already done that.
Ross Perot can:
- play Dumbo in “Disney on Ice.”
- open a fast-food chain called “Perogies.”
- buy a small state instead…like Arkansas.
- open a store on Nassau Street called H. Gross Perot’s.
Saluting these election losers, the Band plays “Birdland.”
“Birdland” (Band forms concert shell) And remember what they always say about Princeton and Penn: Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugly cuts right to the bone.
