Penn 2000
Penn at Princeton
November 4th, 2000
Princeton loses 24-40
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, now available in Fun Size, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
In the largest corporate grant in the University’s history, BP and Ford Motor Company have recently awarded Princeton 20 million dollars to study the greenhouse gases that contribute to the negative effects of global warming. We feel this is a shame, as there are many upsides to global warming too, such as the following:
a. Melting of the polar icecaps would raise Princeton property values as the whole campus becomes oceanfront property.
b. There would be more cases of spontaneous combustion, instead of the drudgery of day-to-day combustion.
c. Tourists would flock to the tropical paradise that is Detroit.
d. More people would light up at hash bars.
e. Philadelphia, formerly the Greasy Armpit of America, would gain new recognition as the Nation’s Deep Fat Fryer.
f. The Penn Band
Also,
(Band forms a small ‘p’ and plays “Fight On Pennsylvania”)
And now, hotter than: It’s the single-double-rotating P!
(Band forms Single-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, Honey, I shrunk the Princeton University Fall Break Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Recently Philadelphia chose the motto “The city that loves you back” over more accurately phrased choices, such as “The city that loves you in the rear.” But if you think it was difficult for city legislators to pick this new motto, you haven’t heard the half of it. Here are some rejected names for the City of Brotherly Love itself:
Forming a Wonderland wafer, the Band invites Penn to eat what made us smaller.
(Band forms a wafer and plays “White Rabbit.”)
For eighty-one years, you’ve listened to and enjoyed the Princeton Band’s halftime shows. But not only did some names for Philadelphia not make the cut; neither did some ideas for halftime shows. Here are some of our worst halftime show ideas of all time:
Saluting our favorite, “War and Peace… and Dancing!”… the Band forms peace.
(Band forms a peace sign and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”)
And remember, something something something, insert funny joke here, don’t forget to write this line later!
November 4th, 2000
Princeton loses 24-40
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, now available in Fun Size, it’s the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
In the largest corporate grant in the University’s history, BP and Ford Motor Company have recently awarded Princeton 20 million dollars to study the greenhouse gases that contribute to the negative effects of global warming. We feel this is a shame, as there are many upsides to global warming too, such as the following:
a. Melting of the polar icecaps would raise Princeton property values as the whole campus becomes oceanfront property.
b. There would be more cases of spontaneous combustion, instead of the drudgery of day-to-day combustion.
c. Tourists would flock to the tropical paradise that is Detroit.
d. More people would light up at hash bars.
e. Philadelphia, formerly the Greasy Armpit of America, would gain new recognition as the Nation’s Deep Fat Fryer.
f. The Penn Band
Also,
- coffee,
- Hot Pockets,
- heated disputes,
- sweet lovin’,
- Schezuan bean curd,
- Brooke Shields,
- Mrs. O’Leary’s cow,
- a moose in heat,
- a heat wave, burnin’ through my heart,
- tamales,
- Hot Wheels,
- a halogen lamp,
- my roommate’s bread-maker,
- magma,
- smegma,
- Hellfire!,
- the Balkan Powder Keg,
- and the desert, where no one remembers your name, ’cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain,
- Have a full-contact, no-holds-barred cooking contest a la ‘The Iron Chef.’
- Have the candidates’ alma maters play a football game next weekend.
- Death Match Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots!
- Pick a winner based on whose alma mater is ranked higher in U.S. News & World Report. Oh wait…
- And according to the latest news, the Republicans have suggested flipping a coin-while the Democrats have suggested flipping a coin until Al Gore is declared the winner.
- campaign,
- champagne,
- philandering,
- Gerrymandering,
- meandering,
- hash bar,
- Senatorial,
- Gubernatorial,
- janitorial,
- Baltimore Oriole,
- liberal,
- literal,
- conservative,
- preservative,
- incumbent,
- redundant,
- redundant,
- redundant,
- digital camera,
- Gracie and Maggie,
- Len the Lucky Stapler,
- marmosets ain’t spankin’ my appendix,
- rocking back and forth while he stands still,
- couldn’t keep up on OA,
- doesn’t own a tux,
- troll feet!,
- Take me to your lizard. Now never mention it again.
- talking quietly on the phone,
- every adverb,
- medieval history,
- Melissa and Paris think he looks like a chipmunk,
- pork fried rice,
- Wenger’ Hardly even know ‘er!
- making sex,
- honorary Jew
(Band forms a small ‘p’ and plays “Fight On Pennsylvania”)
And now, hotter than: It’s the single-double-rotating P!
(Band forms Single-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
(Band plays “The Star Spangled Banner”
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, Honey, I shrunk the Princeton University Fall Break Band!
“Princeton Forward”
Recently Philadelphia chose the motto “The city that loves you back” over more accurately phrased choices, such as “The city that loves you in the rear.” But if you think it was difficult for city legislators to pick this new motto, you haven’t heard the half of it. Here are some rejected names for the City of Brotherly Love itself:
- Philaphobia: Fear of Love
- Huey Lewisburg: The City of the Power of Love
- Echthradelphia: The City of Brotherly Hate
- Franklin’s Bordello
- Dorksville: Home of the Quaker
- Phila-Keebler-Elf-ia
- Landfill-adelphia: It would certainly explain the smell… oh wait, that’s just the Penn Band.
- West Camden
- Really-North Fort Lauderdale
- Hades
- In honor of the Liberty Bell, the Crack Capital of the World
- Or the most quickly rejected name for Philadelphia: Wonderland.
Forming a Wonderland wafer, the Band invites Penn to eat what made us smaller.
(Band forms a wafer and plays “White Rabbit.”)
For eighty-one years, you’ve listened to and enjoyed the Princeton Band’s halftime shows. But not only did some names for Philadelphia not make the cut; neither did some ideas for halftime shows. Here are some of our worst halftime show ideas of all time:
- “The Multivariable Calculus Halftime Spectacular!”
- “The Musical Kama Sutra“
- “The Vietnam War… on Ice!”
- “Homopallooza!”
- “Why Ghandi was Wrong”
- “Things the Censors Wouldn’t Let Us Say”
- “Fun with Prophylactics”
- “Twelve Clowns, a Sedan, and an Airbag: A Circus Tragedy”
- “Respirators: Unplugged!”
- “Uniforms on the Left… Band Members on the Right”
- “Bad Presidential Candidate Impersonations” [Ed. Note: This was the topic of Penn’s halftime show five minutes previous.]
- “How a Little Polish Boy Grew Up to be Pope”
- Or how about “Rejected Halftime Topics?” No, that’s not a good idea.
Saluting our favorite, “War and Peace… and Dancing!”… the Band forms peace.
(Band forms a peace sign and plays “Land of 1000 Dances.”)
And remember, something something something, insert funny joke here, don’t forget to write this line later!