Penn 2004
Penn at Princeton
November 6th, 2004
Princeton loses 15-16
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, F the Penn Band… we’re the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Being from Princeton, we have access to a lot of resources that people at non-Ivy League schools — like Penn — do not. For example, we procured an early draft of the Presidential acceptance speech of Ralph Nader ’55. Here’s an excerpt: “My fellow Americans, I only got .3% of the popular vote. But thanks to the miracles of the Electoral College, I carried the swing states of Manitoba, Quebec, Mexico, and Lake Erie, and I’m going to be your next President. I’d like to thank Former President George W. Bush for his generous financial support. I’d also like to thank the 50 million dead voters who cast provisional ballots for me.” Forming a little ‘p’ for ‘Provisional Ballots’, the Band asks when Penn is going to concede.
(Band forms little ‘p’ and plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”)
And now, in a world… where love is forbidden where time is not a one-way street where girls go wild where suicide is punishable by death where hope is a four-letter word where pedophilia is a crime where evil always triumphs because good is dumb where nothing matters — except everything Don’t miss this action packed summer blockbuster, coming soon to a theater near you… It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
“The Star-Spangled Banner”
We’re the Princeton University Band, and we approve this message.
Halftime
My fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
We’d like to say hello to all the Penn students in the audience, and we hope you enjoy your first day at an Ivy League institution. Now, onto a topic near to all your hearts: roommates. Are you wondering how you and your roommate got paired up? I mean, doesn’t your roommate suck? We talked to him yesterday and he said *you* suck. Here are some early warning signs that you may need to switch roommates.
Forming Mr. Kool-Aid, the Band asks, “Are you a believer?”
(Band forms Mr. Kool-Aid and plays “I’m A Believer”)
In other news, we heard that Iraq is turning into one of the world’s biggest hotspots. We had some vacation time coming, so we put on our Hawaiian T-shirts and Paris Hilton frilly skirts and hopped a plane to sunny Baghdad. We were held in the airport at Baghdad because we were on their infidel watch list. Once we got out into the city, we hailed a cab, and we found to our surprise that all the cab drivers there are Arab. We stopped at the local Burger Sultan and ordered a WMD with cheese. At night we went out to the clubs, to check out all the exposed ankles and wrists All the museums in Baghdad were closed or looted, so we stayed in to watch Al Jazeera. We saw a soccer game where the Iraqi team tortured their opponents. We also saw the Iraqi Information Minister say, “There is no war in Iraq.” He also reminded us that there will be elections in Iraq in January, and they’ll be every bit as democratic and legitimate as… oh, never mind. Forming the best network news in Iraq, the Band says, “You Can Call Me Al… JAZEERA!”
(Band forms a television set and plays “You Can Call Me Al”)
Run away, Band! If those Penn fans catch up with us, we’re toast.
November 6th, 2004
Princeton loses 15-16
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, F the Penn Band… we’re the Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Cannon Song”
Being from Princeton, we have access to a lot of resources that people at non-Ivy League schools — like Penn — do not. For example, we procured an early draft of the Presidential acceptance speech of Ralph Nader ’55. Here’s an excerpt: “My fellow Americans, I only got .3% of the popular vote. But thanks to the miracles of the Electoral College, I carried the swing states of Manitoba, Quebec, Mexico, and Lake Erie, and I’m going to be your next President. I’d like to thank Former President George W. Bush for his generous financial support. I’d also like to thank the 50 million dead voters who cast provisional ballots for me.” Forming a little ‘p’ for ‘Provisional Ballots’, the Band asks when Penn is going to concede.
(Band forms little ‘p’ and plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania”)
And now, in a world… where love is forbidden where time is not a one-way street where girls go wild where suicide is punishable by death where hope is a four-letter word where pedophilia is a crime where evil always triumphs because good is dumb where nothing matters — except everything Don’t miss this action packed summer blockbuster, coming soon to a theater near you… It’s the Double-Double Rotating P!
(Band forms Double-Double Rotating P and plays “Going Back”)
“The Star-Spangled Banner”
We’re the Princeton University Band, and we approve this message.
Halftime
My fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your Princeton University Band!
“Princeton Forward”
We’d like to say hello to all the Penn students in the audience, and we hope you enjoy your first day at an Ivy League institution. Now, onto a topic near to all your hearts: roommates. Are you wondering how you and your roommate got paired up? I mean, doesn’t your roommate suck? We talked to him yesterday and he said *you* suck. Here are some early warning signs that you may need to switch roommates.
- You find yourself for sale on eBay
- Your roommate is not that hot chick from Blue Crush
- It’s been two months since OA and he still hasn’t showered
- She keeps a life-size cutout of George W. Bush in her bed
- He eats everything with fava beans and a nice Chianti
- He thinks he’s the second coming of Christ, and he wants you to drink the Kool-Aid
Forming Mr. Kool-Aid, the Band asks, “Are you a believer?”
(Band forms Mr. Kool-Aid and plays “I’m A Believer”)
In other news, we heard that Iraq is turning into one of the world’s biggest hotspots. We had some vacation time coming, so we put on our Hawaiian T-shirts and Paris Hilton frilly skirts and hopped a plane to sunny Baghdad. We were held in the airport at Baghdad because we were on their infidel watch list. Once we got out into the city, we hailed a cab, and we found to our surprise that all the cab drivers there are Arab. We stopped at the local Burger Sultan and ordered a WMD with cheese. At night we went out to the clubs, to check out all the exposed ankles and wrists All the museums in Baghdad were closed or looted, so we stayed in to watch Al Jazeera. We saw a soccer game where the Iraqi team tortured their opponents. We also saw the Iraqi Information Minister say, “There is no war in Iraq.” He also reminded us that there will be elections in Iraq in January, and they’ll be every bit as democratic and legitimate as… oh, never mind. Forming the best network news in Iraq, the Band says, “You Can Call Me Al… JAZEERA!”
(Band forms a television set and plays “You Can Call Me Al”)
Run away, Band! If those Penn fans catch up with us, we’re toast.