Penn 2009
Princeton at Penn
November 7, 2009
Princeton loses 7-42
Pregame:
…and I SPECIFICALLY requested FOUR bottles of Evian, three snifters of Yoohoo, and a bowl of only orange and black M&Ms. What, this thing’s on? Oh shi-ifting onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto field)
CNN reported this week that with the economy so bad, a job-seekers chance of finding employment is only about 15%– about the same as UPenn’s admission rate! We’re guessing this is because Wharton graduates on Wall Street were feeling nostalgic about their college days, and wanted to make the economy a little more like Penn—so they made it blue by putting it in the red. Unfortunately, they might be out of luck, since the economy doesn’t smell like downtown Philadelphia, or have a stupid mascot, or frequently get confused with Economy State. Maybe if you keep working on it, economy, one day you’ll be as selective as Princeton! (Psst: it helps if you only admit legacies.)
Forming a “P” to honor Philadelphia—that was just an incredibly moving film—the band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania.”
(Band forms li’l P and plays Fight On Pennsylvania)
And now, The Hunchdog of Notre Dame, Robinhound Crusoe, Be a Wolf, Moby Dog, A Tale of Two Sitters, Muttketeer, A Pup in King Arthur’s Court, The Last of the Breed The Mutt in the Iron Muzzle, And The Prince and the Double-Double-Rotating Pooch!
Run away, band—the mayor’s name is Nutter.
Halftime:
<Being fat> <waddling> (both cut) Hefting its girth onto the field like New Jersey’s new governor-elect, it’s the Princeton University Band!
You students must be PRETTY proud of UPenn founder Benjamin Franklin. He was a pretty baller guy, and in comparison, one of our founders went on to father Aaron Burr. But we’re a little worried that Penn students aren’t quite living up to his legacy. Here are some ways we’ve noticed them trying and failing to emulate B-Frank:
(Band forms kite (with waving tail), plays “Aftershock”)
Hey, how about that Election Day? We noticed plenty of fodder on your Pennsylvanian ballots for wacky political commentary. I mean, what’s with that Joan Orie Melvin? Or that close race for the two new Judges of the Commonwealth Court? Yeah… actually, let’s talk about those propositions that DIDN’T make it onto the ballot.
(Band forms a C+ (which shifts mid-song into an F-) and plays “241”)
Run away, band—with the World Series over, the Penn band thinks it’s THEIR turn to pitch.
November 7, 2009
Princeton loses 7-42
Pregame:
…and I SPECIFICALLY requested FOUR bottles of Evian, three snifters of Yoohoo, and a bowl of only orange and black M&Ms. What, this thing’s on? Oh shi-ifting onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles onto field)
CNN reported this week that with the economy so bad, a job-seekers chance of finding employment is only about 15%– about the same as UPenn’s admission rate! We’re guessing this is because Wharton graduates on Wall Street were feeling nostalgic about their college days, and wanted to make the economy a little more like Penn—so they made it blue by putting it in the red. Unfortunately, they might be out of luck, since the economy doesn’t smell like downtown Philadelphia, or have a stupid mascot, or frequently get confused with Economy State. Maybe if you keep working on it, economy, one day you’ll be as selective as Princeton! (Psst: it helps if you only admit legacies.)
Forming a “P” to honor Philadelphia—that was just an incredibly moving film—the band plays “Fight On, Pennsylvania.”
(Band forms li’l P and plays Fight On Pennsylvania)
And now, The Hunchdog of Notre Dame, Robinhound Crusoe, Be a Wolf, Moby Dog, A Tale of Two Sitters, Muttketeer, A Pup in King Arthur’s Court, The Last of the Breed The Mutt in the Iron Muzzle, And The Prince and the Double-Double-Rotating Pooch!
Run away, band—the mayor’s name is Nutter.
Halftime:
<Being fat> <waddling> (both cut) Hefting its girth onto the field like New Jersey’s new governor-elect, it’s the Princeton University Band!
You students must be PRETTY proud of UPenn founder Benjamin Franklin. He was a pretty baller guy, and in comparison, one of our founders went on to father Aaron Burr. But we’re a little worried that Penn students aren’t quite living up to his legacy. Here are some ways we’ve noticed them trying and failing to emulate B-Frank:
- Franklin coined the phrase “Early to bed, early to rise.” Penn students go to bed early because they are unable to rise.
- Franklin invented the bifocals. Penn students just drink until they see double.
- Franklin doled out wisdom in his “Poor Richard’s Almanack.” Penn students in need of advice consult Poor Richard, the hobo on 40th and Spruce.
- Franklin was a pioneer of volunteer firefighting. Penn students are pioneers of volunteer arson.
- Franklin was awarded honorary degrees by Harvard and Yale. Penn students will only get one worthless degree when they graduate.
- Franklin learned about electricity by flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Penn students still do that, but now as a Rush Week challenge.
(Band forms kite (with waving tail), plays “Aftershock”)
Hey, how about that Election Day? We noticed plenty of fodder on your Pennsylvanian ballots for wacky political commentary. I mean, what’s with that Joan Orie Melvin? Or that close race for the two new Judges of the Commonwealth Court? Yeah… actually, let’s talk about those propositions that DIDN’T make it onto the ballot.
- Proposition Eh?: That Canada should hereafter be referred to as “America’s Hat” in all official documents
- Proposition Rrrrrrrrr: That the internet piracy ban should be lifted on all Rrrrrr-rated movies… set in Rrrrrr-menia
- Proposition T (Pain): That all congressional speeches must be auto-tuned
- Proposition B: Bzzzz bzzz bzz bzzzzzzz bzz bzzzz bz bz bzzzzz bzz bzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzz bzzz bzz bz bzzz bzz bzzz… and increased educational funding.
- Proposition U + I: That the sexy councilwoman from Clearfield County should accompany the speaker to the State Senate Ball next Saturday.
- Proposition F: The Penn Band
(Band forms a C+ (which shifts mid-song into an F-) and plays “241”)
Run away, band—with the World Series over, the Penn band thinks it’s THEIR turn to pitch.
