Penn 2011
Princeton at Penn
November 5th, 2011
Princeton loses 9-37
Pregame:
Falling apart onto the field faster than Kim Kardashian’s marriage, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
It’s No Shave November, folks, the month where shaving is ditched in favor of manliness. There are many famous bearded men who have spoken out in praise of this tradition, but sometimes been misquoted. Here’s what they actually said:
(Band forms “P”, plays “Fuck Off, Pennsylvania”)
And now…
(Band forms double-double-rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away, Band! Let’s go take a nap. Seriously.
(Band runs away)
Halftime:
Shaking babies and kissing hands onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, hopefully, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
It’s getting close to Election Day, but the election everyone cares about is a year from today. The Band would like to throw its hat into the ring for the GOP nomination, and we think we’re better than all of the current candidates. Here’s why:
I’ve got it! Saluting another candidate who wants to give you a bigger slice of the pie, the Band forms pizza and plays 9-9-9 Luftballoons.
(Band forms pizza pie, plays “99 Luftballoons”)
Penn is planning to build a new residential building on Hill Field, and is soliciting donors to contribute $50 million to the project in return for naming rights. We’d like to officially announce that we are ready to fork over the cash, so here’s a list of potential names:
Forming our proposed design plan, the Band plays “You Can Call Me Alfred Butts”.
(Band forms a butt, plays “You Can Call Me Al”)
Run away, Band! There are about to be a lot more butts on the field.
November 5th, 2011
Princeton loses 9-37
Pregame:
Falling apart onto the field faster than Kim Kardashian’s marriage, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band scrambles on)
It’s No Shave November, folks, the month where shaving is ditched in favor of manliness. There are many famous bearded men who have spoken out in praise of this tradition, but sometimes been misquoted. Here’s what they actually said:
- Abraham Lincoln: “Four score and seven years ago was the last time I shaved.”
- Gandalf: “You shall not groom.”
- Blackbeard: “RRRR you going to shave?”
- Karl Marx: “Bearded men of the world, unite.”
- Moses: “Let my people grow.”
- Jesus: “Blessed are the bearded, for they shall inherit the earth.”
- Dumbledore: “It is our choices to grow facial hair, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities to grow facial hair.”
(Band forms “P”, plays “Fuck Off, Pennsylvania”)
And now…
- Mayo and Ketchup
- Turkey and Jalapeno
- Green Eggs and Ham
- Mustard and Ice Cream
- Meatloaf and Caramel
- Chocolate and Avocado
- Twinkies and Relish
- Lo Mein and Barbeque Sauce
- Bacon and Strawberries
- Lucky Charms and Sour Cream
(Band forms double-double-rotating-P, plays “Going Back to Nassau Hall”)
Run away, Band! Let’s go take a nap. Seriously.
(Band runs away)
Halftime:
Shaking babies and kissing hands onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
(Band marches on, hopefully, plays “Princeton Forward March”)
It’s getting close to Election Day, but the election everyone cares about is a year from today. The Band would like to throw its hat into the ring for the GOP nomination, and we think we’re better than all of the current candidates. Here’s why:
- In health care policy: unlike Mitt Romney, we would make sure that people who can’t afford health care DON’T GET IT. We would also force people to join scramble bands to get exercise.
- In social policy: Rich Santorum would ban gay marriage, but he doesn’t go far enough. We propose criminalizing dancing, the root of all of our social ills.
- In foreign policy: Penn alum Jon Huntsman actually has foreign policy experience. This is clearly a demerit on his GOP resume. We’d rather build relations with China by digging a hole to China.
- In science policy: Rick Perry doesn’t quite believe in global warming. But he’s too soft. We wouldn’t teach anything in schools about either the globe or warmth.
- In economic policy: we have our 69-69-69 plan, which will increase productivity by increasing the number of minutes per hour and seconds per minute to 69. Herman Cain only has the 9-9-9 plan, which would discourage Germans from doing business with us. Though maybe if we combined it with a German song, it could work.
I’ve got it! Saluting another candidate who wants to give you a bigger slice of the pie, the Band forms pizza and plays 9-9-9 Luftballoons.
(Band forms pizza pie, plays “99 Luftballoons”)
Penn is planning to build a new residential building on Hill Field, and is soliciting donors to contribute $50 million to the project in return for naming rights. We’d like to officially announce that we are ready to fork over the cash, so here’s a list of potential names:
- Ben Franklin’s Mistake Building
- The Scourge of Philadelphia Hall
- The “Ivy” School we all ignore…dormitory
- The “Princeton WUZ Here” center
- The Wharton Toolshed
- The Future Greer Cheeseman V Memorial Hall
- The Derek Zoolander Center for Penn Students who can’t read good
- The Octagon Dormitory
- The Ryan Howard is grossly overpaid, had 172 strikeouts last season, and will probably miss the start of the 2012 season…center
- The Trump Center for Chumps
- Penn State Hall
- The Oatmeal Bowl
- The megahazing fraternity rush center
- The Lehman Brothers Quad. Oh wait.
- Your Place
- The Michael Vick Center for Dogs
- The Penn ’15 Club
- The Penn lack of career Center
Forming our proposed design plan, the Band plays “You Can Call Me Alfred Butts”.
(Band forms a butt, plays “You Can Call Me Al”)
Run away, Band! There are about to be a lot more butts on the field.
