Penn 2018
Penn at Princeton
November 17th, 2018
Princeton wins 42-14
Pregame:
It shouldn’t be too much worse than this, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Allow us to take you on a tour of Penn Island, where UPenn students, desperate to distance themselves from all of the Trump jokes, have sought out refuge. As you can see, boats are coming into the port all the time! And over here, you’ll notice the snake habitat with the anaconda exhibit. And to your right, you’ll see some of them laying pipes. If you look up ahead, you’ll even see Postmaster General Benjamin Franklin, making sure that everyone’s packages arrive on time. All this traveling making you testy? We’ll make a stop at the beachside vendors serving hot dogs in warm buns that you can enjoy in a banana hammock. We hope you enjoyed this Free Ride on the peninsula of Penn Island! Come back soon!
[Band forms a peninsula and plays Free Ride]
Oh wait, you can’t leave the island without seeing our Double-Single Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Single Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, those economics students on the island have finally discovered market penetration.
Halftime:
Fire emoji, winking emoji, sweat droplets emoji, it’s the PU B-emoji!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
There’s nothing we love more than a bright, enticing, warm flame. So hot, so destructive. If you can’t tell, we’re really, really excited for our bonfire. But for our eager freshmen, the fire has been burning all year in their First Year Residential Experience, affectionately known as FYRE. The pre-read, one of the key elements in their experience, is 200 pages of intellectual discourse that apparently also makes for great kindling, according to students who have created an event online entitled “yeeting your copy of Speak Freely into the bonfire.” In a dramatic twist of fate, the book given to you by FYRE must return to it. But since the fire company only lights their fires at 450 degrees, we’ve compiled a few you could do with the pre-read instead: join the rocketry club and fly it into space, use it to replace the missing legs of your antiquated couch, use it to test the curvature of the earth, and then throw it at the flat earth protestors on Washington Rd. Whatever you do with it, we can’t wait for this Princeton Holiday!
[Band forms a book emoji and plays Holiday]
You know, it’s weird that the season isn’t over and yet we’ve already secured the bonfire. It’s as if there are no other schools that matter in football, that’s right, no other schools, Penn. The band forms a fire emoji on the field and plays The Impression That I Get From Just Two Other Schools That Matter.
[Band forms fire emoji and plays Impression]
And now, on behalf of Band President and eternal Keeper of the mighty Oat Squares Kyle Groves, whose sporran is never empty, Drum Major, World War II general and 34th President of the United States Destiny Eisenhour, who - wait, wrong Eisenhower. My bad. Moving on [pronounced “oahn”]: Head Manager and Yankees fan McGinnis Miller, whose taste in pizza and sandwiches is thankfully far better than her taste in baseball teams, [bad British accent] and Student Conductor and resident spicy memelord Alex Cox, who hates poor imitations of his accent nearly as much as he hates Mark Zuckerberg [end British accent] this is your Announcer and occasional shenaniganer of shenanigans Conor Rachlin, signing off from a wonderful season of cringeworthy puns, terrible rapping, and over-analysis of extremely niche subjects. That some among you have found this amusing is proof enough that the Band remains, as always, undefeated. Thank you.
November 17th, 2018
Princeton wins 42-14
Pregame:
It shouldn’t be too much worse than this, it’s the Princeton University Band!
[Band marches on to Princeton Cannon Song]
Allow us to take you on a tour of Penn Island, where UPenn students, desperate to distance themselves from all of the Trump jokes, have sought out refuge. As you can see, boats are coming into the port all the time! And over here, you’ll notice the snake habitat with the anaconda exhibit. And to your right, you’ll see some of them laying pipes. If you look up ahead, you’ll even see Postmaster General Benjamin Franklin, making sure that everyone’s packages arrive on time. All this traveling making you testy? We’ll make a stop at the beachside vendors serving hot dogs in warm buns that you can enjoy in a banana hammock. We hope you enjoyed this Free Ride on the peninsula of Penn Island! Come back soon!
[Band forms a peninsula and plays Free Ride]
Oh wait, you can’t leave the island without seeing our Double-Single Rotating P!
[Band forms the Double-Single Rotating P and plays Going Back to Nassau Hall]
Run away band, those economics students on the island have finally discovered market penetration.
Halftime:
Fire emoji, winking emoji, sweat droplets emoji, it’s the PU B-emoji!
[Band marches on to Princeton Forward March]
There’s nothing we love more than a bright, enticing, warm flame. So hot, so destructive. If you can’t tell, we’re really, really excited for our bonfire. But for our eager freshmen, the fire has been burning all year in their First Year Residential Experience, affectionately known as FYRE. The pre-read, one of the key elements in their experience, is 200 pages of intellectual discourse that apparently also makes for great kindling, according to students who have created an event online entitled “yeeting your copy of Speak Freely into the bonfire.” In a dramatic twist of fate, the book given to you by FYRE must return to it. But since the fire company only lights their fires at 450 degrees, we’ve compiled a few you could do with the pre-read instead: join the rocketry club and fly it into space, use it to replace the missing legs of your antiquated couch, use it to test the curvature of the earth, and then throw it at the flat earth protestors on Washington Rd. Whatever you do with it, we can’t wait for this Princeton Holiday!
[Band forms a book emoji and plays Holiday]
You know, it’s weird that the season isn’t over and yet we’ve already secured the bonfire. It’s as if there are no other schools that matter in football, that’s right, no other schools, Penn. The band forms a fire emoji on the field and plays The Impression That I Get From Just Two Other Schools That Matter.
[Band forms fire emoji and plays Impression]
And now, on behalf of Band President and eternal Keeper of the mighty Oat Squares Kyle Groves, whose sporran is never empty, Drum Major, World War II general and 34th President of the United States Destiny Eisenhour, who - wait, wrong Eisenhower. My bad. Moving on [pronounced “oahn”]: Head Manager and Yankees fan McGinnis Miller, whose taste in pizza and sandwiches is thankfully far better than her taste in baseball teams, [bad British accent] and Student Conductor and resident spicy memelord Alex Cox, who hates poor imitations of his accent nearly as much as he hates Mark Zuckerberg [end British accent] this is your Announcer and occasional shenaniganer of shenanigans Conor Rachlin, signing off from a wonderful season of cringeworthy puns, terrible rapping, and over-analysis of extremely niche subjects. That some among you have found this amusing is proof enough that the Band remains, as always, undefeated. Thank you.
