Penn 2022
Penn at Princeton
November 19, 2022
Princeton loses 19-20
Pregame:
Where are our socks? Are they under the bench? Toes exposed - It’s the Princeton University band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
While our glorious leader Hank has enough riches to go around, he’s decided to cut back on his online foot photography related purchases and instead source his toe pictures from within the band. Due to rising inflation, most of Hank’s budget is now going towards his daily gallon of milk.
[Band forms a glass of milk and plays Barad-Dur, or was it Gondor? Isengard?]
Henry Richard Ingham, our resident Florida Man and kilt-wearer, can rest assured that the Band will always have his back, as we’re usually laughing with him rather than at him (usually). From his speeding ticket for doing 90 on a 55 to his crippling procrastination, we always stick by Hank through his questionable decisions. Well, except the time that we didn’t actually elect him president and chose someone else instead.
Band forms a Double-Double Rotating Foot and plays the second best Weezer song. ["Buddy Holly"]
Halftime:
Mischievous Impish Little Freaks, it's Princeton UuuuUuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to "Princeton Forward March"]
To commemorate the final football game of the 2022 season, we have a special treat for today’s halftime show. Here today to discuss the outcome of the 2022 midterm elections, we have Princeton University President Christopher L. Eisgruber and Former President of the United States Barack Obama.
Eisgruber voice: Hello everybody, I love Princeton and Olives. I’m joining you for this athletic contest because Man, I Love Football!
Obama voice: Folks, this is Barack, I love democracy and my beautiful wife, Michelle. Michelle: Incredibly Lovable Firstlady. I’m happy to support the Patroclus to my Achilles, the current president, and gay lover, Joe Biden.
E: Now, Barack, tell me how you’re feeling now that the results of this election are finally out. Here at Princeton, we’re big fans of voting and preserving democracy before ‘Merica is lost forever.
O: Midterms: Isn’t Life Fun? *Obama laugh* I’m incredibly proud that we secured many important seats and prevented a red wave. Man, I Love Fetterman! The excitement of voters may be wearing off, but I feel it still.
[Band forms a ballot box (rectangle inside a rectangle) and plays "Feel It Still"]
E: Now I’d like to talk about some issues closer to home. Many of our students are mourning the Miserable Indescribable Loss of First (college). But other than this loss, the construction has caused absolutely no issues whatsoever to campus life and no disruptions to students.
O: Infrastructure is important. Mister, infrastructure is literally fundamental!
E: Some students have complained, however, that all the dust and dirt around the campus is making it feel like a volcanic eruption.
[Band forms a volcano and plays "Pompeii"]
And now, on behalf of Band President Hank Ingham, a calcium abundant man who can never find his socks, Drum Major, Webkinz Mother, and Dr. Pepper consumer Maya Jaaskelainen, who treats us like her mischievous teenage children she wishes she never had, our lovely Taylor Swift Ticket Securer, snack provider, and Treasurer, Natasha Hurwitch, Head Manager Helen “Ahh” Brush, POV: avid acorn collector, and Student Conductor Andrew DeNeve, who still hasn’t learned that we will steal his pants and will not look at him for the tempo, these are your Co-Announcers, Paige Landry, most important libe for sure, and Chris Slavin, Microwaved White Bread and Ketchup Sandwich, signing off. We are grateful to conclude the football season with a record of 10-0, because of course, the band is always undefeated. Thank you.
Run away band, before the demolishing teams come for the Armory!
November 19, 2022
Princeton loses 19-20
Pregame:
Where are our socks? Are they under the bench? Toes exposed - It’s the Princeton University band!
[Band scrambles onto the field]
While our glorious leader Hank has enough riches to go around, he’s decided to cut back on his online foot photography related purchases and instead source his toe pictures from within the band. Due to rising inflation, most of Hank’s budget is now going towards his daily gallon of milk.
[Band forms a glass of milk and plays Barad-Dur, or was it Gondor? Isengard?]
Henry Richard Ingham, our resident Florida Man and kilt-wearer, can rest assured that the Band will always have his back, as we’re usually laughing with him rather than at him (usually). From his speeding ticket for doing 90 on a 55 to his crippling procrastination, we always stick by Hank through his questionable decisions. Well, except the time that we didn’t actually elect him president and chose someone else instead.
Band forms a Double-Double Rotating Foot and plays the second best Weezer song. ["Buddy Holly"]
Halftime:
Mischievous Impish Little Freaks, it's Princeton UuuuUuniversity Band!
[Band marches on to "Princeton Forward March"]
To commemorate the final football game of the 2022 season, we have a special treat for today’s halftime show. Here today to discuss the outcome of the 2022 midterm elections, we have Princeton University President Christopher L. Eisgruber and Former President of the United States Barack Obama.
Eisgruber voice: Hello everybody, I love Princeton and Olives. I’m joining you for this athletic contest because Man, I Love Football!
Obama voice: Folks, this is Barack, I love democracy and my beautiful wife, Michelle. Michelle: Incredibly Lovable Firstlady. I’m happy to support the Patroclus to my Achilles, the current president, and gay lover, Joe Biden.
E: Now, Barack, tell me how you’re feeling now that the results of this election are finally out. Here at Princeton, we’re big fans of voting and preserving democracy before ‘Merica is lost forever.
O: Midterms: Isn’t Life Fun? *Obama laugh* I’m incredibly proud that we secured many important seats and prevented a red wave. Man, I Love Fetterman! The excitement of voters may be wearing off, but I feel it still.
[Band forms a ballot box (rectangle inside a rectangle) and plays "Feel It Still"]
E: Now I’d like to talk about some issues closer to home. Many of our students are mourning the Miserable Indescribable Loss of First (college). But other than this loss, the construction has caused absolutely no issues whatsoever to campus life and no disruptions to students.
O: Infrastructure is important. Mister, infrastructure is literally fundamental!
E: Some students have complained, however, that all the dust and dirt around the campus is making it feel like a volcanic eruption.
[Band forms a volcano and plays "Pompeii"]
And now, on behalf of Band President Hank Ingham, a calcium abundant man who can never find his socks, Drum Major, Webkinz Mother, and Dr. Pepper consumer Maya Jaaskelainen, who treats us like her mischievous teenage children she wishes she never had, our lovely Taylor Swift Ticket Securer, snack provider, and Treasurer, Natasha Hurwitch, Head Manager Helen “Ahh” Brush, POV: avid acorn collector, and Student Conductor Andrew DeNeve, who still hasn’t learned that we will steal his pants and will not look at him for the tempo, these are your Co-Announcers, Paige Landry, most important libe for sure, and Chris Slavin, Microwaved White Bread and Ketchup Sandwich, signing off. We are grateful to conclude the football season with a record of 10-0, because of course, the band is always undefeated. Thank you.
Run away band, before the demolishing teams come for the Armory!
