The Citadel 2009
The Citadel at Princeton
September 19, 2009
Princeton loses 7-38
Pregame:
Sashaying onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Everybody is talking about all the new ‘13ers running around campus, but we mustn’t forget about another group of freshmen—all the new buildings that were completed this year.
(Band forms P, plays Going Back, rotates doubly)
This past May, Princeton lost a great alumnus with the passing of John R. Guthrie, Class of ’42. As a four-star general, Guthrie was Princeton’s highest-ranking alumnus in military service. He never forgot his alma mater, however, and was a lifelong supporter of Princeton’s football team and ROTC program in particular. More information about his career and accomplishments may be found in your program. The band would like to honor General Guthrie with the playing of “The Orange and the Black.”
(Band plays Orange and the Black)
Now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.
(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)
Run away, band. That’s enough excitement for you for one day.
Halftime:
Yo football team, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Princeton has one of the best bands of ALL TIME – it’s the Princeton University Band!
Dear Citadel: Hi. How’s it going? Did you catch the Pats game last week? You know, enough with the chit-chat. Why haven’t you called? We got off to such a great start when we met in Charleston last year. You expected us to be cold and distant northerners, but some of us surprised you by being flaming liberals. You gave us permission to explore you at our leisure, but then you overwhelmed us in your passionate embrace. Things got rough; hats were ruined, <bodily fluids> (cut, replaced with) instruments were flying everywhere. And somewhere in the middle of it all, life happened. We grew apart. <We’re sorry. Really, it was all our fault.> (cut) But we miss you. We want you back in our lives, so we tried to figure out <what we should have done differently> (cut, replaced with) where it all went wrong:
[The band forms a frowny-face with a slowly descending tear]
Speaking of the Citadel band not being here: hey, we have some extra halftime to kill! The band fills the extra time by playing a game of Capture the Flag that is in no way symbolic. (The band plays capture the flag with large grey and blue flags (on the south and north sides of the field, respectively)) How un-allegorical. But honestly, to avoid any potential controversy, we wanted to make our show less offensive this time around, so we did some research about what the good people of South Carolina enjoy. Things like:
(The band forms pony bribe.)
Forget it, band. It’s Charlestown.
Note: The last part of this joke, everything below “Long walks on the Appalachian Trail,” was originally very different: it about sexin’ up horses! While this part of the joke (reproduced below) did make it past our censors, we ultimately decided to self-censor it as the only reasonably objectionable/offensive thing left in the show. We would have gladly used this bit in any other show, but in the spirit of gentlemanship we pulled it and replaced it with what you see above. It hurt to cut those formation and come-off lines, though.
And so, CITADEL SHOW ALTERNATE ENDING: And then this other article about a South Carolina man caught our collective eye. Now, Princeton has a very active Equestrian Center, so we know a thing or two about loving horses. But a certain South Carolinan takes horse loving to a whole new level. Roddell Vareen was arrested this week for the charge of “buggering” with a local horse named Sugar. But no need for a long face, friends from the South, the story has a happy ending – it turns out, Vareen was arrested last year on the same charge, with the same horse. That’s true love for you. Because she can’t say “neigh” to anyone with a couple of sugar cubes and a carrot, the band forms horse snacks on the field and plays “Free Ride.”
[The band forms horse snacks and plays "Free Ride"]
Run away, band, and lock your stables tonight – there are South Carolinans about.
September 19, 2009
Princeton loses 7-38
Pregame:
Sashaying onto the field, it’s the Princeton University Band!
Everybody is talking about all the new ‘13ers running around campus, but we mustn’t forget about another group of freshmen—all the new buildings that were completed this year.
- For example, the new bridge across Washington is taking a BRIDGE year… and helping underprivileged children in Ghana.
- All the other buildings are pretty excited about meeting Wilf Hall. Campbell wants to Holder and ‘Spoon, but everybody knows that would be a Rocky relationship, and would leave Mathey feeling Little.
- After an exten(d)sive prcedure over the summer, Wilcox is bigger and more confident, but still nervous about the new year, as it couldn’t get rid of the Clapp.
- Hargadon is planning on saying “yes” to any and all comers.
- Meanwhile, Forbes mostly hangs out by itself, and even with its addition, it’s feeling a bit negative.
- Not to say that all of the gossip is about Princeton’s buildings—rumor has it, South Carolina’s enormous Citadel is compensating for something. Forming a “C” for compensation, the band plays “The Citadel Medley.”
(Band forms P, plays Going Back, rotates doubly)
This past May, Princeton lost a great alumnus with the passing of John R. Guthrie, Class of ’42. As a four-star general, Guthrie was Princeton’s highest-ranking alumnus in military service. He never forgot his alma mater, however, and was a lifelong supporter of Princeton’s football team and ROTC program in particular. More information about his career and accomplishments may be found in your program. The band would like to honor General Guthrie with the playing of “The Orange and the Black.”
(Band plays Orange and the Black)
Now, please rise for the playing of our national anthem.
(Band plays Star Spangled Banner)
Run away, band. That’s enough excitement for you for one day.
Halftime:
Yo football team, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Princeton has one of the best bands of ALL TIME – it’s the Princeton University Band!
Dear Citadel: Hi. How’s it going? Did you catch the Pats game last week? You know, enough with the chit-chat. Why haven’t you called? We got off to such a great start when we met in Charleston last year. You expected us to be cold and distant northerners, but some of us surprised you by being flaming liberals. You gave us permission to explore you at our leisure, but then you overwhelmed us in your passionate embrace. Things got rough; hats were ruined, <bodily fluids> (cut, replaced with) instruments were flying everywhere. And somewhere in the middle of it all, life happened. We grew apart. <We’re sorry. Really, it was all our fault.> (cut) But we miss you. We want you back in our lives, so we tried to figure out <what we should have done differently> (cut, replaced with) where it all went wrong:
- We should have chosen a different weekend for our annual Dress-Like-Sherman’s-Army Day.
- We shouldn’t have interrupted your Field Day. Now we’ll never know who won your Egg and Spoon Race: Team George Bush, or Team George W. Bush.
- <We should have avoided your Avenue of Remembrance, and marched down your Avenue of Amnesia. You know, commemorating that one war?> (cut)
- <We should have observed your Cadet Honor Code of not lying, cheating, or stealing> (cut)
- <We shouldn’t have stolen the plaque inscribed with your Cadet Honor Code> (cut)
- We shouldn’t have scrambled around your campus.
- We should have gone over easy! Egg joke!
- We shouldn’t have jested about your beloved bulldog mascot, Boo Five.
- We should have asked you to refrain from vigorously shouting his name during our halftime show
- We shouldn’t have debauched the likeness of Santa Claus on the field.
- We should have gone with a more non-denominational figure, like Captain Frost-o, the Holiday Demigod.
[The band forms a frowny-face with a slowly descending tear]
Speaking of the Citadel band not being here: hey, we have some extra halftime to kill! The band fills the extra time by playing a game of Capture the Flag that is in no way symbolic. (The band plays capture the flag with large grey and blue flags (on the south and north sides of the field, respectively)) How un-allegorical. But honestly, to avoid any potential controversy, we wanted to make our show less offensive this time around, so we did some research about what the good people of South Carolina enjoy. Things like:
- The Allman Brothers Band
- Taking Stephen Colbert literally
- Grits
- Planting palmetto trees next to tiny moons
- Health care for illegal immigrants… (two-second pause) I LIE!
- Puppies!
- The right to choose… CHARLESTON Chews
- Long walks on the beach
- Long walks on the Appalachian Trail
- Though Andrew Jackson claimed to have fought over a dozen duels for his wife’s honor, at least four of them originated from people calling him “Andrew Jerkson”
- Soul singer James Brown was known to sing his hit song “I Feel Good” EVEN WHEN HE WAS JUST FEELING OKAY.
- Baseball great “Shoeless Joe” Jackson just wore shoes that looked like feet.
- On his album “Oop Pop a Da,” jazz musician Dizzy Gillepsie claimed “skibbity-bop-boo,” although everybody knows that “skibbity-bop-doo-wop.”
- Senator and former Governor Strom Thurmond routinely lied about his age at Washington D.C. petting zoos to get free children’s pony rides.
(The band forms pony bribe.)
Forget it, band. It’s Charlestown.
Note: The last part of this joke, everything below “Long walks on the Appalachian Trail,” was originally very different: it about sexin’ up horses! While this part of the joke (reproduced below) did make it past our censors, we ultimately decided to self-censor it as the only reasonably objectionable/offensive thing left in the show. We would have gladly used this bit in any other show, but in the spirit of gentlemanship we pulled it and replaced it with what you see above. It hurt to cut those formation and come-off lines, though.
And so, CITADEL SHOW ALTERNATE ENDING: And then this other article about a South Carolina man caught our collective eye. Now, Princeton has a very active Equestrian Center, so we know a thing or two about loving horses. But a certain South Carolinan takes horse loving to a whole new level. Roddell Vareen was arrested this week for the charge of “buggering” with a local horse named Sugar. But no need for a long face, friends from the South, the story has a happy ending – it turns out, Vareen was arrested last year on the same charge, with the same horse. That’s true love for you. Because she can’t say “neigh” to anyone with a couple of sugar cubes and a carrot, the band forms horse snacks on the field and plays “Free Ride.”
[The band forms horse snacks and plays "Free Ride"]
Run away, band, and lock your stables tonight – there are South Carolinans about.